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Thank You

hey everyone, i first have to say thank you to you all..just by reading this chat i have got up enough courage to talk about my problem at least on here- knowing i will get others who will stick behind me, knowing were never alone.

im 18 years old just short of my nineteenth birthday..

this all started in my grade 11th year of high school when i went to my ex boy friends prom. i was so embarressed.. i was 5'3 and weighed just short of 130. which now i think about it and maybe i was a "LITTLE' heavy a LITTLE but nothing bad at all. i was very stong and petite because i was a competitive gymnast for many years before. but being at this prom made me feel huge compared to everyone.. all the girls were TWIGS! i tell my self i dont want to be like that, but in the back of my head i see that as what every one wants,maybe what i even want?but i loved to party..i love smoking weed with my girls and having a pizza(munching i couldnt stop) and drinking all the time with my friends..i didnt want to stop anyof this! so after the prom in a bathing suit i started staring..and i mean staring at myself.. i hated the way i looked..i was scared because i didnt want that, and i didnt no how to loose the weight..i wanted to be smaller..110 maybe.. so instead of stop eating,i cut out fast food..pop..and alot of smoking weed..but everything else still seemed so much in my system..so i started perging. the difference is i wouldnt eat TONS of food then do it.. just what ever i ate i would try and bring back up..it was so scary at first..i felt so odd..embarressed of my self for doing it.. but a year later i am 114..and i look great. i have a boyfriend who tells me everyday i am perfect and i SNAP back to never call me that.. but he is giving me a compliment..and all i can think of is the guilt in me.. im only perfect for the wrong reasons..

i cant stop my self anymore..i am trying so hard sometimes i wont do it one day and just eat small amounts..but still eat. and the next day once..maybe twice..

everyone on my teams tell me i look great, i weigh a feather,my brothers friends always flirt with me..tell me im so pretty..everyone thinks of me as "perfect" and i hate it? isnt that EXACTLY what i was reaching for? a perfect figure? for everyone to like me that way..

but in my head i hate myself, its so wrong.. so  so so wrong.. and i dont want to continue but its taking over my mind..i hate the feeling in my stomach when i eat a whole dinner, it is getting to the point it feels so good to be empty when i eat soup im full..?THAT SHOULDNT HAPPEN!

obviously all you girls have these problems..and im sorry this was so long but i had to let it out to someone..even if i dont know any of you..

im going to help myself..i dont perge more then 3 times a day.. but perging in general is going to hurt me..so I am going to try SO hard to start just eating better..and amounts that make me feel ok, girls&guys do what ever it takes.. 

lifesunexpected lifesunexpected 18-21, F Apr 6, 2010

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