Since January I have been seeing a psychologist. All of the abuse during my childhood caught up with me after visiting my abusers in December. I have had to process all those emotions and face those demons inside. There was so much fear there were times I thought I wouldn't make it. However, by God's grace, I did. I was doing this all the while finishing up my Master's program.

I had been posting about being in Domestic Discipline. That changed as of November last year. We dropped all labels, and after I started in therapy, we weren't even Dom or sub. I grew very distant from him emotionally and was frantically looking for someone to latch onto. However, through therapy, I learned that my quest to be a sub was a mask for underlying issues. That I really am a leader and I don't NEED to sub.

Fast forward to June. We came to a crossroads in our marriage on my behalf. A friend mentioned Love Dare. I bought the book and asked my husband if he'd read it with me. To my absolute surprise, he said yes. Then things got real. I had to put aside my bitter feelings and take a chance to open up to him again. I am not saying by any means is our marriage all better. However, it's making imperfect progress with two imperfect people.

This very morning, I hit an all-time low post-abuse-processing. I cried for 2 hours very deeply. During that I reached out to a long-time friend I met on here in my first month I was here. What was said stuck to me greatly. I was told I need to love myself the same way I want others to love me. What? Put myself first? Then I recalled a convo with my therapist about having no passions for anything. He told me to try having passion for myself so I understand what passion is.

I do need to love myself. I've been told most people have the opposite problem where they need to love others like themselves, but not me. Currently I'm working on how to discipline myself so I can have internal motivation but that is going to take time.

Do I miss domestic discipline? terribly. Do I love to sub? absolutely. However, I can live without it now and be an equal to my husband. I am curious where this journey will continue to take me.
ANewCreation4Him ANewCreation4Him
36-40, F
1 Response Aug 18, 2014

Wow, your story is full of life and energy. You invested time and focus to clear the fog of confusion surrounding past and current pain and shame.
You surrounded yourself with a support system of those who care and love you and you were gifted with a hero who showed unconditional love enduring through time.
You feel better, you think better, you enjoy life better and we get to smile with you as you proceed.
Thank you! :)

thanks. :)