The Heart Is Hard To Translate, It Has A Language Of It's Own

We all know there are things in life that change us. For better or worse, that's for us to decide, but there are times when we look at who we are and we realize we are so far from the person we used to be that we don't even see them in the rear view mirror. In April of last year, I found my "thing". Or rather he found me.

In a silly pathetic romantic comedy way to say it - I've found love since the last time I wrote. I've found someone who appreciates me, loves me and sees something in me that I or anyone else doesn't. He's changed me in a major way and it's a real blessing to have him in my life. At the same time, it couldn't be worse. Why? Because he changed me.

The thing is - I like the change that has happened and I don't condemn the fact that he did change me. I used to be this completely closed-off person that didn't trust a soul and kept running away from real relationships and people in general. I was a girl who thought that talking about anything real, or even just things that happen in my everyday life, was impossible. But now he's teaching me that it's acceptable to trust someone and talk about what you think and how you feel and rely on somebody other than yourself. And I love that, I love actually feeling close to someone.

BUT.

The problem is in the way that change has affected me. With the change in my behavior came also a change in me that has been more dramatic that it would be good for me. When I was alone, I may have been unhappy but at least I knew how to deal with it. I knew I could always rely on myself and nobody could take that away because you can't really split with yourself. The difference now is that I'm constantly scared and insecure, really fragile and wondering, and doubting everything my guy says. When he says he loves me, I know that he does but there's still a little voice in my head saying "nobody can really ever love you, you disgusting little creature. Don't even dare believing it". And I can't shut it off, and I can't shut it up, because I don't believe I deserve him or I'm good enough to "keep" him.

The insecurity is driving me crazy. I mean, I have never been so diffident and doubtful about what I feel and what I should do or how I should act. And that comes with this enormous amount of overemotionality that just seems so unreasonable and irrational. It's like when it all takes over, I lose all sense of reason and just... don't know what to do. And worst thing is that I feel like that is going to become enough reason for him to leave me someday. At least it would be for me - I catch myself thinking very often that if I had to put up with me I would've left myself months ago, and yet, he's still here and I really can't figure out why. I know he loves me, everything about me including the craziness but I just don't know how to make myself believe it and him for real.

Most of all, I can't change the way I feel, as much as I'd want to. It's just there. But the thing that seems more backward than anything, is that I feel so incredibly guilty for feeling like that. It's just that... He's amazing and he's doing everything right, and he loves me, he actually loves me!, so how can I ever feel like that? How dare I doubt him and not believe what he says? That's what hurts the most really and that's why I'm writing about it here rather than talking to him about it. Again. I just don't want to sound like a broken record saying the same thing over and over again and making him feel inadequate for not being able to make me believe. I'm hoping that just like time heals all the wounds, it will also be the cure for this .

Overall, I'm happier than I've ever been and I truly love someone in a way I've never loved anyone and that's probably the reason why it's all so scary and why I'm so terrified of doing something wrong and driving him away. But we'll be good, I know it.
snorre snorre
22-25, F
Jan 10, 2013