.........thinking It Over Again.........

Originally a blog 12-13-2009

As most of you know my life has taken an turn although not unexpected but still...... But I finally told my brother last night who is the last person in my immediate family that I needed to let him know and he was wondering about it cause when they came down to visit there was a great amount of tension there... She didn't want them to come down and she has never liked my family namely my mother since she has said so many things against her. Yes my mother and part of what I got to get over is the fact that my mom said to my sister in law about her is "the only good thing that will come out of my marriage is my daughter." I was told this years ago back when we were still happy together.

In talking to him (I'm the oldest so it feels like I'm the stupid one) I found out for me is that what ever we had got lost, don't know where it went but we don't have it anymore. It also isn't about me not being there and doing a job for her or providing for her or being a best friend to her.

It is about her, where she doesn't feel like that she can't provide to our relationship like she feels like needs to be, I don't know if I am on base here or way off but it fits in what she was saying in that she says that it is her and not me, I don't know if I fully believe that in my heart but it goes with what she has said....

I have my problems and this didn't help me get over my self esteem issue, I still blame me for what all went wrong although I know that it is a two way street and I can't do it all by myself, and maybe I have failed her in a spot that I thought I was doing a good job at but she isn't telling me about it....

I don't know I am still trying to not feel that it is me and to have the view that I am available to do what I want now outside of my kids, and not care what she does with her relationships in her life and hope that whoever she finds is good for the kids, which I don't doubt that she will cause will protect the kids at all costs.

SO after all this............

Is there a real blame to be had? I don't think so....

But it doesn't help how I feel about it.

Is there something that I could have done different? Maybe but don't know what that is.......

Just want to know what I did wrong so that I don't make the same mistakes again with another relationship......









So in moving on in my life, no I am mot walking yet but I am lifting my head and breathing instead of being sprawled out on the floor wishing for less than non-existence.

I am wary of another relationship right now cause I want it to be so different from what a quarter of my life has been.

SO what do I want in my life-------- Good deep question......

On the surface I want what I have been missing..... I am sure that there is a group for this on EP but I am playing this close cause I just want you my friends to know what I want for now....

I want to be welcome...... When I walk into your line of sight I want you to smile at me cause you are happy to see me and not be laughing with someone else and then get all serious when you see me.......

I want to be desired..... I want to have a woman want to hug me or hold my hand cause she wants to not cause I prompt her to do it or cause it is we are parting ways maybe never to see me again...

Want to know that I am trusted by a woman... Know that if I am gone somewhere and that I have promised to be with you and only you that although I may look at another woman walking by it doesn't mean that I am wanting to be with her instead of you.

If I watch some **** ( yes guys look at **** - like a lot of the Girlfriends in my circle don't know that already ) it isn't that I don't find you attractive and that I don't want to screw your brains out and be able to have you body as my playground but I might be trying to pick up a new idea or some other way to try and keep it different or at least that you would be interested in.

I don't expect a woman to always to come up with the romantic ideas, I spend a great amount of time planning a date with a woman and I consider how you will react and if you would even like it. I stress a lot over that and try to just relax and just have a good time, it helps if you don't get upset at me if things don't go right or if I am just a dork and step on my own feet when I mess it up....

If I go all quiet on you it isn't cause I am upset or mad or anything..... It is cause I am trying to think of the right words to say and be true to what I have to say, and that is the other part of it if I say something that you disagree with then lets just disagree on it or discuss it if you want, don't get hurt by it and want to move away....

I want my next relationship where ever I find it, to be a fun relationship that some spur of the moment stuff would happen and not worry about what is around me..... If I wanted to hold you on the pier and kiss you and hold you tight, that you would be alright with it and not worry about the people around you.....

Want the relationship to be based on several things that we have in common that we can go do together and enjoy doing.

Want a relationship not to be based on if we are married or not, just to be with you.

If you want to go out and do stuff with the girlfriends, just let me know and I will always let you go cause I trust you enough to keep to what we promised each other.

If I ask you about something I just want to know how you feel about it.

These are just a few things that I want in my next relationship if I have one.....
mtvlm mtvlm
41-45, M
1 Response Jul 21, 2010

I hear a lot of hurt in your story mtvlm. It's hard when you've had a difficult time in a relationship not to let that colour the way you view all future relationships. It's only natural that we are wary, if we've had a negative experience. But it really won't be the same again - how can it be? Not all women are identical ... we don't all carry the same prejudices, mannerisms and hangups. I think you are wise to have a clear idea of what you do want - and also of the things that you don't want ... but I'd be a little careful not to over-analyse everything ... there still needs to be breathing space and spontaneity ... if you try to prescribe things and have too much of a formula in mind ... you might stifle the creative part of the friendship. Love can be a minefield, but if you tread too carefully you may never have any of the explosions which make it so much fun!!