An Aversion To MenTo fall in love is to lose control, and to lose control is to lose your life…
“Dooo do do do dooododo doot doot dodoot dodoot do do”
Mario’s theme song is playing from my cell phone. Another text. How do I say I’m not interested anymore without actually having to say it? I know, sadly, life does not work like that. I Reply, explaining that I assumed he didn’t want to talk to me because he wasn’t texting, and that is why I stopped calling and texting. Am I just giving him reason to think that I’m still interested? Because that is basically how it happened. I just didn’t mention that it was the fact that I really didn’t care all that much that I didn’t attempt to reach him.. He says that he called me, and I didn’t call back. Maybe he did and I saw it and I figured if he really cared that much he’d call back again. This is where my feelings and my reactions start to get tricky.
Sometimes I hafta wonder if there is something innately evil in me. I definitely have an aversion to any kind of commitment, and maybe that isn't evilness but it comes damn close to it when i'm making up excuses for myself. Ok, its either evilness or the voice of god. I say the voice of God because i'm either saving myself mountains of pain, and seething anger when I find out the truth is as it seemed. Viewing the world in black and white makes it easier to choose one and isolate the other.
I just don't want to love him, is that so bad? I don't want to love any man, I want to fight it until it changes everything. Until the world is changed. I guess I just learn more and more, relationship after relationship that men are not to be trusted, not like you would trust a best friend or another women. i have no scientific proof, but I bet if the right kind of research was done it would become apparent that men simply do not feel as greatly and strongly as women do, nor do they feel in the same way for the same reasons. Yes, this is true about everyone, but still there are definite gender differences. Sad pathetic differences that paint both in a weak way.
Anyway I honestly believe there should be mass teachings for women on how to be less sensitive, and how to not care as much and how to focus on oneself. Essentially the world would be more equal if women demanded more often to be treated this way, instead, you cannot defend the women that value there loyal roles as male servants. In fact, I don't believe there is anything wrong with this, as long as its always for ones personal enjoyment. As soon as it becomes more about him than you, of course, it becomes a problem. Maybe women just need to accept that we are this way instead of fighting ever so hard to not be seen like that. This is a man's world but alot of women like it that way and so it makes sense why it is that way. My world, however, is Tanisha's completely.
The question of if i'm lieing to myself isn't as important though, because in the end the behavior is the same, the reaction will be the same, and the meaning doesn't really effect it all in the end. I will be evil when it fits my purpose, and i'll be the reasoning voice of right and wrong when it is necessary. Whatever works to keep me seperate from male control.