Recent Discovery

I have just come to the break through realization that I have a major commitment phobia problem, regarding life(decision making) work and job's. love as well but i want to talk about the work job aspect of it. I would love to hear from others that are going through this as well especially relating to work or job.

Ive lived in NYC for over 12 years, and i remember one year i think i moved 3 times. I lived in so many neighborhoods in Brooklyn, Queens, and Manhattan. Many of them for only a couple of months, because i am afraid it won't last and in turn i don't put in effort in making my apartment a home. So in a way ive already made that decision myself, and sabotaged my living situations already. A big reason for moving, is because of finances. I have never been able to hold down a FT job, Ive been freelancing since 2003 and have worked at more then 30 companies! I was hired my first FT job at one company 3 years ago but lost it because of my fear to commit(it wasn't exactly what i wanted to do and i was a no show one day) and that was only 2 months into it. I was offered a FT position at a a different place i had been freelancing at for 4 months, but because my tardiness, they wanted to wait another 2 months i had to prove myself and step up to the plate as a team player and be accountable to my co workers. This frightened me soo much and gave me anxiety and panic attacks. I ended up doing the opposite and sabotaged that position. my most recent job started out in freelance, they wanted to hire me but again my tardiness held things back. They decided to hire me after all but my salary was docked down, My fear to commit, and not step up and be accountable had me terminated 4 months later, they still kept me on however as freelance, and have now hired 2 new full time people, and recently saw that they are looking for another ft person to replace me. Ultimately my work load has been reduced to barely anything now, I'm shocked that they are still holding on to me. So i have managed to hold on to this job for over a year( the longest ive held a job). My fear to commit gives me sooo much anxiety i even get panic attacks which makes me run from the situation all together, or look for distractions which usually leads to going out and having fun, drinking , dancing and pursuits of pleasure, or i just watch endless hours of tv episodes to try to get through and distract me from the anxiety that turns into depression from my actions. either way I make it very difficult for me to wake up on time and be fresh each morning, so i am there for I'm sabotaging my position. This has been going on since i can remember. I would always miss the bus for school, I never got my college degree, because I had too many NA's and i didn't want to commit to trying to take the courses over again. I kept making excuses for my reasoning why id don't want to commit when ultimately it's fear. fear of failure, but then i also have fear of success and then having to maintain it. In exchange I sabotage potential opportunities, rather then deal with the fear and anxiety i get if i was to commit

I wonder if my fear is rooted back in 1990 when my dad got laid off his well paying job that he liked(he was the only one), and has never had a good paying job since. He settled for whatever job he could get, and was never happy with any of them. I think that is my deep rooted fear I don't want to be like that so i have a problem committing but in turn I am really hurting myself, struggling all the time scraping the bottom of the barrel, because i don't want to be stuck in a job i don't care for, even if the money is i stop the wheels when they have barely even gone in to motion.

I have a new job interview for a company I don't really care for, but money and stability will be really really good, I love my apartment ive been living in for 4 months now and don't want to loose it so i need a stable income I'm scared though because even in my apartment I have artwork but it's just leaning against the wall, I haven't even been able to commit enough to hang anything on the walls. This job, though it's not a dream job in any way, and i probably won't relate to my co-workers, will give me stability
,health care and I can start going to a gym(another commitment that i still haven't been able to uphold but have wanted to do for years), and that is want I need and want! I want to get married and have a kid...The longest relationship i had was 3 1/2 years but that ended 8 years ago... since it's just been a 10 month relationship, a "he's perfect for now" lover like relations, and dating...I have commitment issues in all aspects of my life. But i think the job and work one is my biggest hurdle

I guess why i'm writing all this, (which is a commitment in itself. i have to say i had to pep talk myself into doing this, i'm better at talking then writing) besides the fact it's a therapeutic to put this in writing I'm sure there are other people out there that understand or can relate to some degree. I'm looking for support I need to kick this thing I'm in my early 30's I need to overcome my commitment phobia, and so this year of 2013 I am committing myself to beating this, and any advice or guidance will be most enthusiastically excepted.

Thanks for actually taking the commitment to read my ramblings.
An Ep User An EP User
Jan 19, 2013