Nothing New, But It's Still A Struggle

I was diagnosed with CPTSD when I was 16 years old after a very turbulent childhood. I witnessed my father attempt to murder my mother on more than one occasion and we went into hiding after running out of the house. My father had also been near-fatally stabbed by a man and quite frankly, my father completely deserved it.

Even though I've escaped all of that and I'm now safe and secure, I'm still trapped in those years. Flashbacks, horrendous nightmares, panic attacks, anxieties, it's often overwhelming. It often pushes my limits to go through recent things like a murder/arson at my apartment building in a very nice neighborhood, relentless harassment at a dream job, and very recently, a very serious house fire at my apartment building (fortunately, this one wasn't an arson). It's hard, really hard. What's more difficult is encountering people who just don't understand how difficult CPTSD is. My mother makes comments that are maddening in the level of delusion she has about everything. She was there, her life was in danger, and yet she just simply doesn't remember any of it. Well, I do remember it and it forever changed me. What's more, everyone else remembers it. I suppose it's that validation that I've always lacked, just like many others with CPTSD.

I have yet to get very serious about my therapy because it's often something I just have a hard time committing to. I have yet to do EMDR and I do intend to do it someday, but I'm just not ready to make that step yet.
ShadowMonster ShadowMonster
22-25, F
1 Response May 10, 2012

I understand how difficult CPTSD is and had it growing up. It wasn't until much later in life that I finally got help. I encourage you to do the EMDR because you are worth it. You have a whole life ahead of you as a new and healed person. It's true that the trauma and how we feel because of it is all we know, but we have to believe that we were not meant to live that way and are truly meant to be healthy and happy. Have courage. The EMDR (I did that also) and most therapies, have to bring up the experiences to get them out. There is no harm from it. You are in a safe environment. It's the body's way of releasing so you can get it out, heal and have a better life. You will be amazed.

dear shadow monster, i am glad your actively seeking help and i hope you are doing well, at 6-10 years older than you i want to say how important it is to recognize ptsd as part of your life, dont try to hide it or deny it because it will keep haunting. i did my 1st search on emdr after seeing this and i will be looking more into it. take care of yourself