I Have Never Been More Confused

Once Upon a Time... Sounds like  the beginning to some cheesy children's story right? Well, every one's life starts off once upon time and this just happens to be mine...
Last July, in 2010, I started working at the local Subway, the workers of this Subway consisted of the young and the old and quiet a few kids from my grade. Well there's one kid in particular that I had known since I first started attending the school in 7th grade because he was part of my home base, so I saw him every Wed-Friday for the next two years before we started high school. In high school, up until 12th grade he was always in one of my classes, but that was okay because he happened to work at the Subway I had just been hired at. Now Jake, that's his name, and I always got along, but working together we really got to know each other. He was going into the Navy after graduation and I had plans on going to college for teaching.  One day, I brought cookies into work and he and one of out best friends were working, he later texted me saying he felt obligated to pay me back for the cookies and said we should go to a movie. I asked if it was a date and he said no, just two friends going out. Well before we went to the movie Valley Scare came up between my friends and I and I needed a second driver since I had to be back by a certain time so I decided, hey why not ask Jake I knew he wanted to go. So he agreed to, and then he decided that he did want the movie to be a date and for it to happen before we went to Valley Scare. So the day before  we went, we had our date and decided that we should date. Well, a month later he broke up with me, for a week, because he didn't want to have a relationship before going into the Navy, but then decided that that was a lame reason and we got back together. Well everything was fine for the next 9 to 11 months. I spent the holidays with his family, he surprised me at work with flowers on Valentines day, we went to prom together, made it to each others graduation parties, and two weeks before he left we went up north over the 4th of July weekend and spent time with his cousins family. I broke down horribly in tears that last week he was home, every time we got together I almost always teared up. Well, I went with his family to drop him off for Bootcamp and we both had our teary goodbyes... We wrote letters to each other the next 8weekd while he was there, he told me how I was the reason he made it thru bootcamp, that he couldn't wait to start a family with me, to marry me. I went with his family to his graduation, again we both teared up as we said hello and kissed goodbye at the airport. Then out of the blue my boyfriend broke up with me. About two weeks or less before our one year he told me he didn't think he loved me anymore and that he wanted space... The next day he sprained his ankle which out him in medical holding and pushed him back about a month. So now instead of graduating 11/10 he was now graduating 12/2... While in holding he told me that he was wrong and that he still loved me and told me to never forget that he did no matter what he said or did. Then for a while everything was wonderful... we were talking almost every night and texting each other. He even had me look at engagement rings and told his grandfather that he would be getting one shipped to their home and not to tell anyone. But one night after he had been so happy in the morning and texting me, I texted him that night and he went off how it had been a bad four months and that his was sick of everything. He didn't respond the next day and I had found out he hid his relationship status on Facebook. So I understood that he wanted space and I told him that. then a couple days ago I checked my emails and everything and saw that I was in a relationship with no one so I texted him that we needed to talk. That night while I was done with work, and telling him he needed to call me and tell me not text me, he told me he didn't think that it was going to work, that he didn't want the relationship anymore.... That it was too hard.... He told me he didn't love me... and I blew up at him and told him how hard it has been for me and how no one ever bothered to ask how I was doing and all the sacrifices I made for him... later I texted him I was sorry for the blow up and that I'd like a face to face conversation with him when he comes home in December.. He just said he was sorry and that he understood the blowup and that if I still wanted a hug from when we talked that I could have it and that we could still be friends... I talked to his best friend, who is also one of my closest friends and he informed me that my boyfriend had been worrying about me and that he hated that he wasn't there to do anything about it... and that night my boyfriend thanked me for giving him space that he needs it...   He cried on the phone when he broke up with me, he didn't even say that it was over or that he was breaking up. Just that he didn't want it anymore, that it was too hard.
While  He came home on leave the 3rd, and he knew we needed to talk and that I needed to give him his things so I could move on, but we both broke down crying after we told each other how we felt and we talked the 2hrs before I had to go into work... he wanted to watch a movie that night, but we were both busy so we watched one later...  we ended up talking and  talking and he made the comment, "it's funny you're dat-..."  and got very quiet and finished it off "Was dating..."he'd been home for 4 days and we ended up having sex twice... he said he loved me right then and there and that he wants to be my boyfriend again and that he couldn't stop thinking about me and that he's very confused.
Well last Sunday, the 11th,  he left to go to Michigan for a week to visit his friend that got discharged because she has a heart condition before he goes to Washington.. But while he was here we got together and talked 4 times, the first time to talk about the break up and the other three just to hang out. Well... the three other times we hung out, we ended up having sex each time. He told me the entire week while he was here that he still loves me, and that he'd never do anything to hurt me like he did when he broke up with me. The Friday night before he left we got a hotel room so we could have time to ourselves with no one interfering. Only a few people know about it, not his family nor mine though, and the entire night he held me in his arms. In the morning when it came to leaving because I had to work and he had to be somewhere he didn't want to let me go, he kept pulling me back to the bed saying he just wanted to be close to me a minute longer.... That night, since it was the last night he was in town he came over to say goodbye to me. We hugged, we kissed, and I asked him the question I already knew the answer to. I asked him if he thought we would ever be boyfriend and girlfriend again eventually, he responded with he didn't know. That he didn't want to say no and regret it later and that he didn't want to say yes and not want it. I told him I wasn't expecting an answer for anything and that I understood his reasoning... As he was about to leave, we were standing on the front steps, he held my hands in his and gently cupped my chin between them, he told me that no matter what happened I will always be his best friend, he then drew me in closer, looking me in the eyes, he gave me a kiss, and I  kissed him back,. He then whispered to me, " I love you Jaclyn," and hugged me one last time before he left for his car to go home and finish packing...
So here I am now, sitting in my room while he's in Michigan, not knowing if I'll have my happy ending, missing my prince charming, wanting him back, just as confused as he is... wondering if I'll ever be able to call him my boyfriend again.
jh3557 jh3557
18-21, F
1 Response Dec 13, 2011

If you ever need to talk please let me know. I had a break up a lot like yours once and it completely shattered me for a while. I know exactly how you feel, and all I can say is hang in there. Lean on your family and friends and don't be afraid to talk about it, because bottling it up really just make you more miserable. Please, please message me if you want to talk!