Loved, But All Alone
I know that the fact that SOMEONE loves me is better than not being loved, so I suppose I can consider myself lucky in that respect. An explanation for the title is the following: I have been with my current boyfriend (Who I'm going to call Mr. Y.) for almost four years. I was madly in love with him for the last two and a half years. However, the beginning of my complicated relationship problems began when I went to an out-of-state job, being eighteen at the time with no previous work experience, it was the only job I could get. I have to admit that my relationship with my boyfriend hadn't always been ideal, we fought on a constant basis, especially during the first two years. As a side note, many of our first fights had nothing to do with me as a person, or that I did something wrong, my boyfriend had issues with his dad, and sometimes would take that anger and vent on me. Thus, one of the reasons our relationship wasn't perfect. Anyways, continuing on.....I went to the east coast for the job and met quite a few new friends. (By the way, I am a minority and there aren't too many people around my age group of the same ethnicity. So it explains why I made strong connections so quickly, though that may sound a bit racist?)These new friends of mine are all older than I am, by a range of 3-6 years. The main point is that one of those "new friends" developed feelings for me, and after a drunken night of my going away party, it got out of hand and cheated on my boyfriend. (NOTE: This is just the catalyst of all of my problems now.) So, fast forward to 2008, I have recently turned twenty-one, so I basically no longer have any boundaries in becoming an "adult". But apparently I am still very naive about the dreaded thing called LOVE. So basically I used to date a guy from high school who was a year older than me, we can call him Mr. X. Mr. X and I only dated a couple times, then he asked me to be his girlfriend. At this period of my life I was still a junior and seventeen who only had one previous boyfriend that "broke my heart", which, by "breaking my heart", I decided to "rebel" and got busy with exploring sex, alcohol, and breaking some other rules (like doing things with guys that were older than me and pushing legal boundaries.). Keep in mind, it had been a good amount of time since my very first breakup, so I decided that it was about time I got into a new one. BIG MISTAKE. Mr. X heard about all the things I did before we started seeing each other through friends and called it off about two weeks into the relationship. I can't say that it broke my heart, but it definitely had an impact on my life, and damaged my feelings and self esteem/worth. I felt like I didn't deserve a relationship because everyone was always breaking up with me. Yes, I know, this is tedious, but I promise I'll get to the heart of my problem once I put out all the facts that started in my adolescence. And so, life continued on, we went our separate ways, and then I met Mr. Y, my current boyfriend. At first it was all the things a teenage girl would care about, good looks, he had a car, he was older (therefore, a manly man in comparison to weak little boys my own age.), and he had already graduated from high school,plus a job (therefore, money, which most kids in high school lack, unless mommy and daddy pay for everything.). However, as the years went on, it developed into a long term, committed relationship. I was head over heels for this guy! However, like I mentioned, he had some anger issues (not abusive, but still....eh). So when I met the guy (one of the "new" friends I picked up at my job on the east coast), I thought to myself, "Damn, I'm only eighteen, I should be dating a bunch of guys, a little fling won't hurt, right? People do it all the time.". Uh, yeah, talk about stupidity and oblivion. Fast forward a year later (2006). I met Mr. X again, after I came back from my summer job. It turns out he had joined the army, left for Hawaii for about a year, and had to come back because he injured himself with a flash grenade. At this point, our previous relationship meant nothing, I was still with Mr. Y, and had no feelings whatsoever for Mr. X, besides simple friendship. As life progressed, we hung out often, strictly as friends, I would complain and discuss my many problems, including times when I had gotten into a fight with my boyfriend. Then slowly, or maybe it was under my radar, Mr. X developed feelings for me. I don't know when it started, or if it had always been there, but it didn't become evident until this year. Then, as the months rolled by I became more and more dissatisfied with my current relationship, but refused to cheat on him (again). Until one day, after a particularly nasty fight over something stupid, I realized, that Mr. X, who never makes me mad, or is inconsiderate might have been the one I was supposed to be with. Also, after hanging out with Mr. X more and more often I came to realize how he really felt about me, although he never said anything. So, we started seeing each other, but I didn't sleep with him until I broke up with Mr. Y. However, after about two weeks of separation, we got back together because he didn't want to lose me and was sorry for everything. (SIDE NOTE: The reason we broke up at the time was because the original conflict was between him and one of my friends from high school while I was in Seattle...basically having nothing to do with it.) So, since then, and now in October of 2008, I've been seeing Mr. X, which I know is wrong because I am/ was cheating on my now current boyfriend. So, my most recent relationship problem is that: (1) I've been cheating recently with Mr. X. (2) I and Mr. Y broke up recently and got back together..as of the 24th because I told him the whole truth about my fling during the summer of 2005. (3) Mr. X really loves me, loves me enough to marry me and is leaving for the marines at the end of the month where I won't see him for almost a year at least. (4)Mr. X is currently trying to forget about me because he's gone through alot of trust issues and conflicts with previous girlfriends, but I'm hurting because I do care about him and the cold shoulder is driving me crazy. (5) Mr. Y is currently trying to "forgive" me and "fall in love with me again" because I broke his heart.... I'm so confused that writing this damn thing is probably a mess. But hopefully someone out there might be able to process all of this junk and give me an opinion. Constructive criticism, please. Enough with bashing. Sometimes love doesn't go through a straight path. I'm still young, and definitely naive.