I Feel So Lucky and Then Again - So Very Unlucky...

Have you ever felt like you have been given a blessing that at the same time makes your life so damn complicated? Well, I feel this way. I consider myself very lucky and at the same time - quite the opposite. It all started more than 5 years ago when I discovered the "wonders" of chatting and meeting people from the whole world. And one day I met this guy from another country. The moment I met him I felt like: could this be true? I hadn't had any serious relationships before I met him so it was all new to me. We instantly connected and started talking for hours. When he asked me to be his gf I said no because I thought it was ridiculous to enter a relationship with a person I had never even seen...Plus, it never crossed my mind he'd actually wanna see me for real. But we continued our intense friendship and even though we were not in a relationship-we sure acted as one.The story is really long so I will just try to cut to the chase. He came to see me in my country after 2 years of online relationship and it went really well. Then I visited him and we have been paying each other such visits ever since. And this whole time we have been acting as if we were in a relationship. In fact, our families are convinced we are. So are our friends. And the thing is-so many things have happened... After his visit he declared his love for me and all that. It made me the happiest person in the whole world. But at the same time, once in a while he kept "reminding" me how I can go on dates with other guys because after all we are not together. And then kept saying how much he loved me again. Confusing, huh? After a year or so he told me that he cared deeply for me but he didn't know if it was really love cuz he gets interessted in other girls too. I thought I'd die when I heard it but I survived somehow and we continued our unofficial relationship cuz nothing has really changed. He's acted like my boyfriend but at the same time kept telling me from time to time how I could date other people and stuff, followed by him telling me how I mean the world to him. This has been going on for 5 years. I have never been so close with anyone and I wouldn't trade meeting him for anything. He's my best friend and I am his. And yet I know he shouldn't be treating me like this: telling me how much he cares and soon after telling me how I can date other people; telling me how he'd wanna wake up next to me every day and soon after telling me how it will probably never happen cuz of the distance between us (two different countries) etc. etc. I feel like he's acting as my boyfriend but at the same time he keeps getting to know girls on chats from his own country and it bugs me so much. I feel like after 5 years I am entitled to something-I would want to plan my future with him, do something about what we have had for the past 5 years. And now that I am graduating from college in 6 months, it could finally happen. But he says no word about it. And I am foolishly afraid to ask because I know he's not ready for such committment. I know what you're thinking: girl! what are you doing with your life? get a life, leave him etc. And believe me-I know I should! I see that as of today it's heading nowhere, I live in constant fear of him telling me that he has met someone...even though he tells me evry day how much he cares for me. I feel like I know what's best for me but I have this stupid hope inside me-hope that this could work and I somehow cannot give up on it...Am I totally stupid or crazy or what... I have been trying to change my attitude towards him and this whole issue-I started meeting new people, hanging out with them, became more open to possible new relationships. But I feel that I will not move on for some reason. I feel like the only way that I can set myself free is for him to find someone and I just don't want it because I do wanna be with him. Why is hope so hard to kill? I know I might sound like a desperate person, hehee. The thing is - he does make me happy, makes me smile like nobody else and if this were to end - I would still not regret what we have had. But I can think logically and I know that I am not helping myself. Whenever I come back from him, I hear my family asking if maybe we got engaged. Such questions hurt me because I dream of it and at the same time know it will very likely not happen. And yet I do nothing. I just thought I'd share my thoughts with you :)
PolishMystery PolishMystery
22-25, F
4 Responses Sep 21, 2007

Why not move to his country? It does seem that there is no reason to save yourself since you have already told him you won't be his girlfriend because of the distance. Perhaps you should tell him you have had a change of heart and wonder how the two of you could come together physically. One person will have to move. Which country would facilitate the move the easiest?

Sounds like you already know what is best for you, and what you really want. Have the courage to stand up for what you believe in. <br />
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One day you will meet someone who will fascinate you and make you feel something. Acknowledge and appreciate it when it happens. Best of luck on your journey. :)

Yeah-unfortunately he knows exactly how I feel about it. I told him that although he claims he have feelings for me and still keeps on chatting with those girls and potentially wants to meet them, I cannot do the same because I would feel as if I was acting unfairly towards my date. But then again, a year ago I was so sick of this whole situation that I decided to change my attitude and open myself to new people and have fun. And it made me feel like maybe I could get interessted in other guys. But the truth and the matter is that I should conciously quit this not-exactly-relationship and mentally start feeling single and meet new people. I just don't know if I will be able to do that and this makes me feel like a very silly-acting person cuz I KNOW what's right for me, you know? I am just hoping that somewhere down the road I will meet someone who will fascinate me and make me feel something. I think that's the only way I'd be ready to give up on that guy. I feel so much "lighter" after having shared this with you and thank you so much for taking time to answer me :)

I think trix has a good point. He may assume that you are ok w/having a relationship and seeing other people. This matter needs to be mutual between 2 people. Otherwise eventually it will drive you crazy I think. Someone who loves you will do their best to meet your needs, as you should theirs. If there is an imbalance, the relationship will not likely sustain. Only balance is sustainable.