A Trigger, To Be More Accurate

For reasons I'm not going into here, one of my worst triggers was the church song "Do Lord".  You know the one.  It goes "I've got a home in Glory Land that outshines the sun (repeat a couple times)...Oh do Lord, do Lord, do remember me (repeat 3 times) Awaaaaay beyond the blue!"


Not all that long ago, even hearing the instrumental part of that song would throw me into a flashback.  Every.  Single.  Time.  Even just a few notes were often enough to trigger the flashback.

I was sick of it.  I was sick of running out of churches/gatherings/whatevers in a blind panic when I heard that song.  So I killed the trigger.

I found it on YouTube.  Then with a friend ready to talk me down, I hit play.  Needless to say, I lasted barely five notes before panicking and closing the YouTube tab.  My friend M talked to me, got me firmly grounded and balanced.  The next day, I did it again.  Twice.

Slowly I pushed myself to listen to that song.  When I could handle the first version, I surfed YouTube 'till I found a version that was an even bigger trigger.  Repeat the process of listening, closing tabs whenever I needed to.  Within a few days I could listen to the whole song in any version I found.

I added it to the playlist I ran constantly.  The first couple times it came up, I freaked and skipped it.  Before long, I didn't have to.  Finally, the song played and ended, and I didn't even notice.

Fast-forward a few months.

I was at a church breakfast.  A man with a guitar played to keep us entertained while waiting to eat.  He played "Do Lord"

I hummed along.
Plaid Plaid
31-35, F
May 10, 2012