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Mom Still Controls My Life As An Adult

My mother has been controlling me my entire life. Up until I was 14, she did my homework for me because she felt I was too dumb to know how to do it. She never ever encouraged me to take an extra-curricular activity or make and spend time with friends. Her belief was that I needed no friends - just family. She forbade me from seeing my boyfriend at the time because I got in-school suspension for hugging him (considered PDA). She did not let me get a job, a license, or even a learner's permit because she didn't want me having anything resembling freedom. Nope, she wanted me to be dependent on her.

Thankfully I broke out of the homework cycle and began doing my own work...and I found my grades were considerably higher than when she did my work for me. Then I was forced to go to college; Mom wanted to go to college to become a teacher, but back when she was college-aged, there were no student grants or loans, so she couldn't afford it. So, she chooses to live vicariously through me...I went to art school for four years, looked unsuccessfully for work, and this year, I was forced into graduate school. According to her, going to grad school is "For my own good." Yes, it's for my own good to go $50,000 further into debt. I can't even afford my student debt bills now, paying almost $600 on a $2000 annual income. But who cares, right? Mom should know how bad being in debt forever is because she's been paying for her house for several years.

SHe is also teaching me how to drive so I can get my license...and she is teaching me many incorrect and illegal things, like driving in the middle of the road so as to not hit parked vehicles, stopping in the middle of the road when I have the right of way, and driving 10-15 miles below the speed limit. I don't see myself passing my road test...Mom cares more about her car than about teaching me how to properly drive. I don't know why I bother...if I ever can afford a car, I won't be allowed to drive it anywhere by myself. Mom will likely take my keys to work with her so I can't drive around unsupervised, even if I had a license.

I also have to ask permission to go anywhere...to see friends, to see my boyfriend, to see friends out of town. I'm 23. Contrary to what someone may tell you, being an adult does not mean you can do whatever you want. Whoever said that obviously never lived with a controlling parent. I love my mother, but I just feel so trapped. I can't do anything, I can't go anywhere. And whenever I try to go someplace, like to see my school friend in the city, it always has to include a long screaming ordeal.

I just wish my mother was more normal. If she were, maybe by now I'd be driving, have a job and possibly my own living space. She would forbid me from moving out if I tried. It really sucks, but I can't afford to move, so I have to deal with being controlled day in and day out.
StrawberryPocky StrawberryPocky 22-25, F 62 Responses Aug 10, 2010

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Seriously ; that's financial abuse. And you really need to do something,like get legal help because if you don't you will really regret it later in life.

I am ashamed. I am ashamed because I have "deal breakers". Today someone did a deal breaker, and I did nothing about it. I don't know what to do about it or how to get out of it. It's emotional abuse and definetly tons of physical abuse. They always justify it by saying I did something wrong, I didn't do something to their liking, I deserve it, something about me upsets them, this is discipline, etc. They always put God in it and say it's discipline. So, I always feel that I deserve it, and I'm always afraid to challenge them, because of that. I trust God, I do. I love God, because I know He ABSOLUTELY loves me and cares for me. But at the same time I feel like I let myself down for not leaving this relationship. How do I leave? Where do I go? What's the first step? What do I do? They know EVERYTHING about me. Even if I leave, THEY won't leave me. People say all the time, just leave. That's easier said than done.

im 26 years old male, i have same problem, my problem is more difficult, i live with my parents. i physichally fought with my family and next they called to police, police came here and they made me write a letter that it will never not happen again, so, now i want freedom, i want to move out of home and have my independent life, but my mother is always against of that, my father is agree about that, my mother controls me hard, she does not like when im louder in home when im happy, because sometimes i scream from happiness (she restricts me that), she does not like when i listen music on loud sound (she restricts me that), i wanted to buy a bicycle 3 years ago, and she was disagree and panicked, she was saying if i would buy a bicycle, she would break it, she always insists me to brush my teeth every morning like a little kid, she is againt when i want to buy a car, she says that i will be crashed and she restricts me to buy a car, i dont have a job, she wants me to have a job, but even i will have a job, she will not be agree if i will be going to move out of home for living, she says that if i will move, then she will call police and police will controle me everyday and police will control my house. she calls me crazy in bad way, but im not really crazy, im young just a 26 years old boy and when i do something silly or stupid for fun, then she call me crazy in bad way, she thinks im always crazy and i should not live alone, because she thinks i will do something bad, or i will smoke weed or i will get in trouble, and she says also that if she will let me to move out of home when i will have money, then it will happen front of police, also she says that she will unjoin me forever oficcially from her house, also she says that she will go to my house owner and she will tell her/him bad things about me and they will kick me from house, also she says that police will catch me and police will brick me in jail if i will be outside, she always scares me about those things, she says that she will not let me to go out of home before my 31 years, i ALWAYS should ask her if i want to go outside alone or with my friend, even when i get back home late of 20 minute, then she judges me and fights with me, she always calls me when in outside long time, she never lets me to get drunk with my friends, she never lets me to have relaitonship with a girl, she always says that i will get in trouble in that way, she always wants me to take permission from her before i will do something, she always wants me to go outside with my father and his car, i tell her that she makes my life worse, and she bullies me because she tells me that she will tell that to police what im saying and court will decide if im right or not (if she really makes me life worse or not), i dont want this to happen. when she is mad at me, then she insults me often and sometimes she touches me physichally, and in normal talk she calls me bad words, like stupid, idiot and etc...im 26 years old and i want to be independent and have my own life, i dont want to be controlled, im very shocked and i dont know what to do, i cant live in such big stress 5 years with my mother, i dont want to get to jail, im really good human and im not scary, my mother has diabete, and her nervous system is really bad, but she does not realize that if i will be home with her that 5 years, then our relationship will get worse and worse because of that stress from my mother's side, it makes me always depressed, stressed and sad, PLEASE help me people and give me advices what to do, i want to move out of home as soon as possible.

I realize this is old.....but I'm 26 and we are apparently soul sisters because I have the EXACT same issues.

Hi. It's take me awhile to be able to even write down my store. I am a 43 year old woman with a very over controlling mom. Let me first say I love her with all my heart. But, I just wish I had a little freedom. She lives with me and she controls everything from the music I listen to and how I spend my days off. I am not allowed to have friends or a boyfriend. I am 43 years old and never been on a date in my life...not allowed to. But, I did have a relationship back in my early 20's behind her back while I was traveling for work. But, of course she found out the tears came and how she looked at me with so much disgust I ended it. I couldn't handle seeing my mom like that. I love her so much I just wish so much I could have a life. I missed so much in life the first date, prom, having friends, just simply being free. I have a good job but she has to know each day what time my meetings are and she calls me a few minutes after meeting ends just to make sure I pick up I guess. So, frustrating it is. I dont dare to do anything she doesnt approve of because I dont want to hurt her. I am ashamed to say I have been the other woman for 3 years now to a man I am madly in love with. He is not married just has a girlfriend for 8 years and I am the other one. No, I can never spend the night with him and wake up beside him. We have to sneak around and yes sometimes I meet him when I tell her I have a meeting. He is much older than me and we have had our ups and downs. At first he wanted a real relationship but he understands I think now. I never told him how controlling my mom is. I dont want him to think she is awful. Just this week I had to work from home she was not feeling well. And my iphone went off with a text and she runs right over to see who is texting me. And it was him. Just saying hi and he is working. She drilled me to death I told her he must have texted me by mistake. I am so sick hate lying to her. The next day I was in the office and she called me threating to kill him and herself if I am having a relationship with him. It took me an hour to calm her down and deny everything. I lied I had to she left me with no choice. I havent told him anything. I am so scared I dont want to have to lose him and give him up. I love him and I need him in my life. With him I am happy and free. The only person in my life that I can be like that with. I know I never can marry or have a real relationship I know that because I cant hurt my mom. I just never would treat a daughter like she treats me. I would let my daughter know I would lover her no matter what. I am writing to help hopefully someone out there. I know there is no hope for me. But, maybe someone can feel better about their life by hearing mine. Thanks for listening!

It's frustrating. I know exactly what you mean. It's frustrating because there is guilt (she's family, so how can I not listen to her), and there's anger (she's stiffling me from living life), and there's depression (which has led to suicidal thoughts (and an attempt) on a regular basis).

I absolutely hate it, and the difficulty lies in trying to move out--I have a couple of thousand dollars in savings only, and that is not enough to move out. My part time job pays me around 1200 a month, but it's at a school, so I'll be jobless in the summer. I don't know where to look for jobs in the summer, because I don't know where I'll be living. It's all a clusterfuck, and I just want to be away from my family. As a 22-year-old, it's frustrating to not be able to even hang out with a friend without the permission of my mother.

I wish there was a simple solution to problems like this, but there's not. And that is what is the most disheartening knowledge of all.

There have been some very interesting and depressingly familiar stories. My parents are both complete control freaks, and it's important to realise these people are probably suffering from Narcissistic personality disorder and can't change. They can't even be confronted with an opinion about themselves, in their minds they are perfect people and are simply trying to make inferior people do the right thing by fixing every aspect of their inferior life.

They are so deluded that anything their kids do becomes an excuse to control and they will never stop. They have no boundaries you are a cardboard cut out and they are a god. There will never be a point where they suddenly realise their kids are grown up and can take care of themselves. That destroys their house of cards that passes for a personality and they can't survive that. To them it's like a cat one day becomes the head of a household its just not right. If you let them they will control you until 70 when they die, and then they might manipulate you through their wills. You will always be a useless hopeless inferior to them it is impossible for them to see you otherwise. They need the lie to survive.

When they criticise your BF, or your clothes or your weight its not reality. They need to control you for their fragile fake personality to seem real to them, the superior fixer saviour of all the useless people. The genius, the all knowing wonderful person. If einstein moves in some of these people would try to tell him how to manage his bills. They're not rational and anyone adult living with one who leaves will improve their life 100% of the time.

I'm in the exact same situation with BOTH my parents.. a father who is two faced; says hurtful things and look at me little a complete ***** and my mother continuously nagging and agreeing with everything he says. Life atm is hell.. been on antidepressants numerous times, had counselling and was falling behind at university due to my anxiety, stress and depression. I cry all the time and feel overly suicidal living in this house.. i can't do it anymore and if i could leave I would but my dad will only come after me and kill me.

I know EXACTLY how StrawberryPocky feels and can identify to the T what she is going through. I am 31 years old and my mother controlled me from 1994 to 2013. There was a few years period in which I didn't live with her, but moved back in with her for nearly 1 1/2 years (from April 2011 to August 2012)....it was miserable! She wouldn't let me go out at night, not even to go for a walk or go to the grocery store! She would listen in on my cell phone calls and would SCREAM at me if I wasn't talking loud enough. She said that if I had to go into the bathroom to have a phone conversation, I shouldn't be having the conversation in the first place! When I was growing up, my father's mother would give me clothes to wear...but I never saw them because my mother would THROW them away. In 2003, when I was dating my now ex boyfriend, she would throw the letters that he wrote to me away and I never knew about it until 2 years later, when he told me that my mother was intercepting his letters and not giving them to me. My mother was physically abusive to me from age 11 to 15...and I still have scars on my face to this day, 20 years later. She is so controlling and manipulative that she has chased everyone that cared for her away, my father tried to help her but she tried to kill him when I was 3 and he left her alone. She threatened to call ACS on me many times, because I was supposedly "a bad parent" (she needs to look in the mirror and point the finger at herself!). I paid her cable bill for nearly 3 years due to the controlling factor and finally put an end to it last year after I told her that I couldn't afford it. I was living in mental health housing, and I got an allowance of only $360 a month....and most of that money went to paying her cable bill and my phone bill. Even when I was living on my own, she would make comments about me going out at 10:30pm, saying that If I'm out that late, I must be up to no good. It got to the point where I moved nearly 100 miles away from her to the East End of Long Island, NY...just so she wouldn't be able to visit me and pester me with her poisonous, toxic personality. She even made comments about me moving "so far away from her" saying that I don't make good decisions and I don't think things through. Um....she's not even acknowledging her role in this mess. She says I should move back to Brooklyn, NY to be close to her...I'd rather kick my own butt than to do that. I plan on moving out of state sometime next year...FAR AWAY from NY (like to Nevada, Arizona, Texas or California). I found out from my aunt that my grandmother was controlling too and wouldn't let my mother do anything that required independent thinking. My grandmother would tell me to shut up just because I was laughing at something a comedian did while we were watching TV together. I feel pity for my mother because she will be 57 years old in November 2014...and she's gotten worse over the years. My mother would take my paycheck (when I was working as a teenager for the summer) and not let me keep the money. She would spend it...and would hit me when I complained about it. My mother forced me to wash dishes when I had a high grade fever. I could barely stand and my head was pounding plus I was puking a lot. I once had breathing issues due to my then stove smoking...and my mother told me to SHUT UP when I was complaining of breathing issues and wouldn't let me go to the hospital. I don't even know if I love my mother anymore. My mother treated my landlord like he was a walking disease and that she doesn't like strangers. She criticizes me about not wearing a headband or earrings (I have very short hair) and complained about me cutting most of my hair off due to years of damage...damaged which was cause by a bad perm job of her own doing! My mother doesn't even want me to move out of state, saying that if something happens, she won't be able to help me. Thanks, but I don't want or need your damn help! For 20 years you did nothing to help me. I have a mental illness and I won't let her destroy my happiness. I am moving off the East Coast...whether she likes it or not! My mom once took away my birth control WHEN I WAS 18 and forbade me to get another supply. When I was in junior high, she made me miss out on my senior trip AND prom...even though the principal of the school paid my fees out of his own pocket! I am so sick of my mother. If she were to die today, I'd be the happiest person ever...and that is a sad thing to say about your own parent...but it's true. I would attend her funeral, but I will not shed tears for her, not even one. My mother said that she was heartbroken when I placed my son up for adoption in 2006 and that I should've thought about her before I did it. After 2 decades of lying and deception, I don't believe her. The woman threatened to beat me up when it became apparent that she wasn't getting custody of my son. I got her trifling a** on tape threatening me and turned the tape over to my lawyer, who turned it in to the judge. Needless to say, she lost. She's so whacked out mentally, that she was asking me "Where's your other child? Are you hiding it from me?" I never had a second child, just my son in 2002. Why in the heck would she even ask me that question? She needs help and at this point, I know she will NEVER get it. My mother never taught me how to cook, about sex or finances. She told me when I was 16 that her finances were none of my business. I will be so glad to move out of NY because she still tries to control me...2 years after I moved out of her house and she's gotten worse when I moved back to Long Island in March 2014.

The reason why your mother may not be so normal may be due to a BPD (borderline personality disorder) or some other psychosis. There are many types of them and yes mental issues will get even worse as your parent ages! If you are able to do so, distance yourself from your family and try to get your life together as soon as you can, if even with the help of friends or any other relatives that are sympathetic to your case. Also, being under age, you may be able to imacipate yourself from your abusive parents. I had a friend do this years ago, she was in high school and her parents were horribly manipulative and abusive towards her. If you are a minor, Sadly, if there is undiagnosed mental instability on your mom's part this may not ever be resolved or diagonsed until old age. If you also suspect you might be the byproduct of a household where one or both parents are/were unstable you are going to probably need some therapy. This is not to say everyone living in that environment needs help, however, we as childern owe it to ourselves to be "whole" again after living with someone toxic. Healing yourself will allow you to not repeat those patterns with your own family in the future and to make sure that you also do not carry the horrible legacy of instablity onto your children. Feeling gulity, obligated, fearful of, and giving in to someone with mental problems will not help you in the long run. Establish your own life and an indentiity that is separate, your mother's treatment of you will likey never change no matter what age you are. If there are mental issues in the picture you will get treated the same at 3, 23, 33, and later on in life! Sometimes the family that raised you is in fact not worth your time, energy, nor life! GET OUT AS SOON AS YOU CAN!

I know your situation to a point. I moved out and got married at the age of 23. My mother tried to controll every aspect of our 4 year relationship. My father even screamed at my fiancé when asking for my hand. They kept saying that they loved him which always confused me. Anyways, I had enough and the morning after, I wrote a letter, called my fiancé, and he picked me up. We've been married now for 2 1/2 years to the month. You always have an out if you don't allow your parents to dictate your life. Start living for you and not them. That will get you nowhere in life. Become your own person. And F the "family schedule". Do you.

I had a family very, very similar. What she's doing is actively sabotaging you to keep you prisoner.

If you can file for bankruptcy, or file for hardship to get a grace period on your loans (think that lasts 3 years) - I'd recommend it.

I'd really, really urge you to get out of that place ASAP. There are few things out there that will be worse for you than that place. Hell, there's nothing out there that's worse than being actively and constantly betrayed by someone you're dying to trust.

I'm sorry you're going through this. I hope you manage to escape soon.

I'm 18 and heading to uni in a month. My mother is so controlling, that I have never seen any money which comes into my bank account and not even allowed to have the bank card. In college I got given extra money by them which my mum kept. I wasn't allowed to touch it and was given a limited amount of money out of that for lunch. Also she never gave me any freedom at all, I'm not allowed out of the house even to go to the shops round the corner without her permission, and never hung out with friends outside of school, until I was 17! That's not the part that annoys me, I'm heading off to uni and moving away and have been given a grant, my mother told me that she's gonna have complete control over that bank account!!! Eventhough she isn't gonna live with me! She say that 'I'm gonna control your money cuz your gonna spend it all at once and be left with nothing' eventhough I'm 18 and am more than capable! She also says that I should be grateful for her letting me move away to go uni!!! She says I can commute eventhough it's 2 1/2 hours away!! As other people do, and wants me to come bqco every week to get food as if I don't I won't be able to eat. I tried super hard to talk to her about it but she won't listen!! I live with her only and have 3 other siblings. And am the 2nd eldest. I want to let me control my own finances and control over my bank account as I'm moving away and need it to live!! Help please, genuine help as she is the only family I have left and don't want to cause a rift between us.

What your mother is doing constitutes financial abuse.

As you probably know... protecting yourself is going to offend your mother. What you may not realize in this eye of the storm is... it's okay. And the earlier you do it, the more likely you'll be able to continue to have a relationship with her rather than losing it entirely out of sheer necessity.

STEP 1: Sneak to your bank with as much proof of identity as you can get. Take out all your money - put it in a new account. Hide it. Never let her get her hands on it again. She's playing with your life here.

STEP 2: Food. There's no shame in food stamps, they're there to help you. Find any nearby food pantries and soup kitchens - some have more stringent standards than others. Homeless shelters also often offer meals to the community. These people are a hell of a lot more reliable than your mother. Do your damnedest to survive independently of her - these people have nothing to gain by sabotaging you. I promise you, this will feel a hell of a lot better than relying on someone who cuts your hands off and expects you to be grateful for her getting things for you afterward.

STEP 3: Have an exit plan. The fact that your mother is willing to let you starve through the week and deprive you of food... so that you'll come back to her... is *really ****** up*. This is an act of violence. No one who truly cared about you would do that to you. If you can survive somehow with her in your life - great. But right now, this woman is hellbent on destroying your life to accommodate her image of how things should be.

Good luck, and be safe.

I'm 25 and living with my parents during the summer. They just moved in so I decided to be nice and help them unpack while I searched for an internship in the area. They have over 500 boxes filled with material things. Here's the kicker, after I moved in my mother informed me that we had to empty them all in 2 months due to them hosting a family reunion there this fall. Here's the thing, my mother's idea of unpacking is making little piles all over the house in front of where items should go. Such as, anything that goes upstairs gets put on the steps, to a point where it's unsafe to walk up or down them, and the same goes for the downstairs steps. She never completes the job by getting rid of the piles and always has others do it for her. Being that I'm the only one home on my days off from my internship I'm always the one having to finish her jobs/piles for her. It's really frustrating to me because she's overweight and I feel as though by completing these tasks she'd be helping herself physically as well as mentally. Believe me when I say this, it's not just this tiny incident. There is much more to talk about but I can't write 50 pages so I'll try and mention what I can here. Whenever I have the slightest bit of alone time in the house I get yelled at ,by my mother, to do certain things.. since my/guest room is upstairs. Even if I'm in the middle of something it's never as important as what she want's done. I am never shown love until I accomplish something to her standards. I believe it has led me to become a workaholic and someone who has to gain approval from my parents before I can do anything. I hate it.. but everyone needs to be shown love..right? We both have attention deficit and it's hard for us to get along with each other.. and I fear it always will be but I'm thankful that God atleast gave me one parent who loves me and shows me love without me having to win his approval. I'm a daddies girl at heart.. Speaking about my father, he's become a workaholic too and his attorney from his last job even mentioned it to him in a friendly way. Here he is at his new job with the same job title but less political crap to worry about and yet he's still a workaholic.. meaning.. he brings his work home with him. Since when did family time mean sitting in the living room glued to your laptop while everyone else around you watches tv. Have we forgot to ask each other valid questions about each other's life? I'm afraid that he uses the laptop as a way to seem busy in front of mom because if he wasn't on it she'd put him to work. She often does, even though he's trying to head to bed. Life is stressful and I guess it's something the doctors will never understand. They will not let her take the attention deficit medicine she needs due to her weight, even though she's lost 50 some lbs. I know in this kind of situation it's easy to find someone to blame .. however.. I'm honestly searching for answers as to what I can do.. if I don't figure this out here soon.. I'm going to go insane... I've gotten to the point where if I even have kids ones day I don't want my mom to see them. I don't want her to influence them the way she has me. I'm self conscious and feel unloved.. if that's even a word.. due to all of what has gone on throughout my life. I don't want to see them grow up to be so self conscious.. I feel bad for my father though too.. my parents don't even sleep together anymore and haven't for many years. Mom complains it's because of my dad's snoring and if she can't use that one she throws out the excuse that she stays up later than he does and doesn't want to wake him up at 3 or 4 am when she chooses to go to bed. By the way.. both of my parents don't believe in divorce due to following certain Christian morals.. the only way one can divorce is if one cheats on the other and chooses to continue cheat on their spouse. I for one know my father would and has never done such and for my mom.. well I don't think anyone would touch her.. even if they would we'd all know about it because she hardly ever leaves the house anyway...

Anyway, that's enough for now.. sorry for complaining in an unorganized fashion.. I just needed to vent about the truth..

I understand I live with my father ..I am 20 years old and have a 2 year old daughter and can't do a thing I can't even take her to the park down the street ...I've tryed to talk to him about me getting my own place and well getting a job first then my own place but he don't see it that way.. he thinks it is his job to support my baby but its not that's my job...but the worse part is he trys to get to to smoke weed...drink and do other not father and daughter things ....but he also told me that if I ever moved out to never talk to him again...What should I do??

Leave him.

All my life my parents have been overprotective and controlling. I think it is because I was diagnosed with Aspergers when I was 4 years old and they panicked. They don't even want me to drive a car! My parents especially my dad are always giving me a lot of "can't do" talk. My father currently has skin cancer but I am still very angry at him!

I'm 57 soon to be 58 and my mother smothers and controlls me. I must report to her and she doesnt like me to have friends. I am very resentful and have had enough, I just cant take any more. Im on prozac, was trying to cut down but rage and anger takes over, it's better I be a compliant zombie. I dream of joining my deceased father and his mother soon. Just can't take it any longer.

I am 33 and forced to live with my parents because I'm financially supporting them. My mother is a controlling, abusive and highly manipulative person who has always made my and my father's life a living hell. We cannot have any friends or any kind of normal life. She controls everything - what we eat, where we can or cannot go, how money is spent in the house, even if she isn't the one making them. The worst is that she has a heart condition and for years she has manipulated us with her health issues, always claiming that me and dad want to send her to her grave at the smallest sign of disobedience. She made bank loans behind our backs because she's a compulsive spender and I had to pay for them. She's completely irresponsible. I just want out of this, I don't want to go away because I adore my dad and I couldn't bear to leave him alone with her, but she's killing us both with her lunacy and as she grows old it's only getting worse and worse, more obsessions, more tantrums out of the blue, my dad is very depressed and I feel like I'm getting the life sucked out of me.

I am 26 and pregnant and trying to move out with my boyfriend. My mom wants me to cut him out and only live with her, even tho we want to be a family. She says she hates me because i want to move out, only because moving out would put her in a spot financially. I pay the rent and she cant afford it alone because she has too much debt she is paying off. I feel guilty. but i have a baby to think of and my boyfriend and I love each other and she told me she isnt happy for me and hates this baby and my boyfriend that its ruined her life. Now he is having to rent a place he can afford on his own, just so that I can live with him and continue to pay rent at a place I don't live because she cant afford to move out to another place with her debt to income right now, so I have no idea how much longer I will have to be paying this. Also, I get free cable through work, which I am letting her keep, which is another expense on me with a new child that I normally would not have to pay. My boyfriend makes good money and he is being such a good sport, he just wants me out, but she def has BPD, I know it, Its not diagnosed but I'm not an idiot and she fits the description to a T. She has manipulated and controlled me my whole life because she is the only family I have. My dad walked out and so did his family and my moms has nothing to do with her and my sister pretends we don;t exist. Its hard because I feel so guilty all the time and I'm 26 and just want to start my life, but she doesn't want me to. She wants me to be her roommate forever and never have my own life. I also get severely depressed and i'm so tired of it all. I'm pregnant and having to deal with all this drama on top of it from my mother of all people, I can;t even talk about my pregnancy because she hates this baby so much, I sleep with a kabob skewer under my pillow just because she is so crazy im terrified she might go into a rage and hurt me. She already threatens to take herself out. Its awful, im sad to know other people are going through this too. There is so much more but this is freshest wound

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A message to all you folks aged 20+ who are currently controlled/abused by your parents: Grow a spine and stand up to your parents. They have no right to control you after the age of 18, and they certainly have no right to abuse you at any age. You are an adult, so it's time to act like one and take control of your own life. If you don't do this, before you know it you'll be 35 years old, living in your parents' ba<x>sement, with your parents controlling when and where you're allowed to go out. Do you really want this? If you died tomorrow, would you be happy with how your life turned out? I know the economy is gone in the sh*tter at the moment (I myself have applied to over 150 jobs and received not even one reply), but try your hardest to save enough money from odd jobs here and there to build up a fund to move out. You'll need a deposit and first + last month's rent. Personally, I would much rather be renting a shoddy, tiny room in a shared flat, and barely getting by with a minimum-wage job, than staying with my parents and being controlled and have every aspect of my life scrutinized by them. But that's just me; I actually have a sense of dignity. So to all you 20+ folks dealing with such "parents": Get out there as soon as possible. You shouldn't feel "guilty" about leaving your controlling family behind, because let's face it, they were hardly "family" in the first place.

Yeah..no. Your parents can kick you out. They are not obligated to have you stay with them. This is the sort of catch-22. So when people stand up to them, that could make a lot of these folks homeless. I'm in a similar situation. And only 150 jobs? I've applied to close to a thousand after finishing graduate school a little over a year ago. I look for and apply to jobs every day, and I've gotten a few interviews but no offers. I can't even get a job in a coffee shop or a cashier somewhere because I'm over-qualified. I would be homeless if my mother didn't let me live with her. BUT, at the same time, I'm 30 and she treats me like I'm 5 years old. Just a few days ago, I went to a coffee shop to get out of the house and apply to jobs (with money my mom gave me because I can't even afford a ******* cup of coffee), I got home around midnight after the Starbucks closed, taking advantage of a different environment for as long as possible. My mom got upset when I came home and told me to never scare her like that again! I was out too late! All I was doing was applying to jobs in a coffee shop. This is what finally put me over the edge, and I'm avoiding talking to her since then, hoping she won't kick me out. It's especially frustrating because I'm trying hard to move out, but I can't. I have a two page resume of actual work experience (i.e. my coffee shop and cashier experience isn't even on my resume, and after deciding to put my full 10 year relevant work experience, which is two pages long, instead of sticking to the standard, expected one-page, I finally started at least getting interviews), with promotions, a recent graduate degree, I've never done drugs, or been a bad daughter in any way. I always worked hard instead of having a social life, and now it seems like my mother is punishing me, standing over me, checking up on me, not letting me do anything, as if I did something wrong and I have to pay her back for it somehow. My biggest frustration is that I moved out when I was 18, was independent for 11 years (over a third of my life), and now have had to move back a little over a year ago because of the ****** economy, and she treats me the way she does. At the same time, she can treat me like a 5 year old because I would be homeless otherwise. What I'm saying is that your advice is not necessarily the best advise to give. If I died tomorrow, at least I would be in a bed and not on the street where no one might even know that I died. The only thing to do is work and save if you can, or apply, apply, apply... :/ Oh, and keep your mouth shut until you move out.

At 16 they said when I'm 18 I can do what I want. At 18 they said at 21 I'll be free. Now, at 23 I'm still looking for a way out. I earn my own money, pay my own bills and even give money towards the expenses at home and I'm still not treated as an adult. I have to ask permission for everything, and I never hear the end of all the stuff that they have done for me i.e clothes on my back, food and putting me through university. I mean why have children in the first place if you're going to talk about all the stuff you do for them right? Surely you would know this comes with being a parent. My parents make it seem like I'm obligated to them for doing all of this and hence they want to control what I do and where I go.
Even the way I spend my money is a problem if they don't approve of it. Its basically them wanting me to give them all my money then perhaps all will be well between us. I haven't asked them for anything since I've started working nor will I ever, the only thing is them providing a roof over my head which I pay for. Moving out isn't even an option as they will cut all ties with me, they did this to my brother who didn't speak to them for 10 years. And I don't want it to be like that. Its just becoming really difficult to live in a house in which you're treated as a prisoner.
Since I have a boyfriend now, they blame everything on him. That he's become so important to me. Which isn't the case. We go out once a month for supper and that's our alone time, which they have also brought up to be unacceptable, yet every other day we're at my house with my parents being there. I'm not even allowed to go to his house.
It doesn't matter how much you kick and scream or try to get your point across, controlling parents will never listen to you because in their mind they are right and you are wrong.
I've told my parents that I don't think theirs parents like them around, but after reading this page I guess theirs quite a few, too many in fact, which makes me kinda sad...because I know how I feel living in this house. Something I wouldn't even wish on my own enemy.

Believe it or not, your brother probably got the easier end.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU GUYS!!! You all are way over 18 and you have the rest of your lives ahead of you. Find a 1 bdrm apartment and get some help from the community! I'm 18 years old, I'm married, I have a 3 year old daughter, I rent my own home, my mom lives in my house! You guys can do this don't let your parents ruin you!

You don't get it. With a parent such as those described by others there would be no chance to come to the reasonable arrangement that you and your mother have.

To anybody adult being controlled by a parent or another family member....as scary as it may seem..please stand up for yourself and claim your life, freedom, finances etc back...if you dont stop it yourself then it will never stop

I also want to add...if you dont feel you can get you freedlm back by yourself then get help...via a lawyer, citizens advice bureau, police etc...they will help you get your finances back in your control and help you get your life under your own control...no adult should be controlled by anybody...

I know how that feels, I cannot go anywhere without asking my dad first and I am 25. I hate that I have to finish school first in order to move out. I have to ask for money and I barely got my license last year as well as my car. I can't ever have a job because its not a good job. Every job I apply for my dad always says it doesn't fit you. I hate it. I just want out of there.

You are 25...you shouldnt have to ask your dad for money..or foe permission to get a job

my family wasn't as bad as yours but I was only ever allowed 2 friends home and if I was to have sleepovers it had to be my Uncle wasn't working (lived with aunt an uncle who never wanted children), I wasn't allowed any friends home after school even it was to do a school project or homework, wasn't allowed to be left on my own at 17/18/19 when they went away cause I was a 'typical teenager who will throw a party and trash the place'. At 16 my aunt forced me into a job and I wasn't allowed to quit when I went to Uni so I had to come home on a 4 hour train journey every weekend to work. I am now 22 in my own flat dropped out of uni due to Glandular Fever and I am not allowed to have a dog and think about having a child cause I will ruin my life forever. Moved out and still being told what I can and can't do. defeats the object right?

i am 25 years old living with my mom and working my boyriend is also working in other parts of the world we have been together for 5 years we are coming home this july . we want to to travel but my mother doesnt allow i dont know what to do. it is very hard im an only child and i dont have any other friend to talk to about this. my boyfriend will try to ask her ermission hoefully we can travel together.

Screw what your mum says...you are 25...if you want to travel then travel....where will the control end?...will you have to ask permission when you want to marry?...will you have to ask permission to have a baby?...

If your mum complains then tell her you are 25......can you imagine being 30 or 40 and still being controlled?

My message to anyone experiencing this is simple. Parents who control or beat their children, especially at an adult age of 25+ Should be put in jail! Why? What parent thinks they have a right to choose the life you live? If they care for you and love you then naturally they want you to be happy and live the life YOU choose. Parents who do this clearly think you were born to be a slave or a puppet... It's nothing short of selfish and evil for a parent to control or beat their children in this way! You have a right to choose who will be your husband or wife, just like your parents chose. YOU have the right to decide how many children you would like and who with! Just like your parents chose. How dare any parent tries to take away a child's freedom, better off them putting their hands around your neck and stopping you from breathing! <br />
<br />
But everyone has an option. You stand on your own two feet and run away! Go get the life you want. Dont allow ANYONE to stand in your way, because this is YOUR life. NOT theirs!

I totally agree with you...this should be more publicised..i bet theres alot of young people in their late teens to early 30s being controlled and not knowing how to escape their parents grip and have a life of their own choosing

Wow- I thought I had it bad. What a great place, I had no idea people were going through the same thing I was. I am really routing for all of you. My dad was diagnosed with cancer some years back and I'm in a band and cancelled all our shows to come and help, I will never regret the times I had with my dad before he passed. I feel no guilt and I'm happy I've always put my family first. My siblings though have all sorts of guilt problems because they didn't help. So I decided to stay and help my mom sell the house, getting the outside and inside in shape, and it took a long time but we sold it with little to no help from my siblings. They had no problem going and living their lives while I took care of everything. We all use to get along so well but then my brother married a devil women and she destroyed our family by constantly causing problems. The worst part was I got stuck in the middle of everything trying to be the mediator. It started affecting my health horribly. My mother and me use to have a close relationship- real close. She was always controlling but I never thought it was out of hand until I started comparing stories with my friends and the way their mothers treated them. I slowly got better and have been sponsored by Yamaha as a songwriter and performer. My mom though somewhere along the line turned into a person I can no longer recognize. It's control, control, control. I started to realize i was asking permission for doing normal things. All of this added up to now where she knows how much potential I have as an artist but puts roadblocks up every time I try and leave. She tries and control my finances, opens my mail, listens to my phone conversations, goes through my room with the excuse "I just want to help clean" because I'm always writing and have papers on the piano, guitars, etc. But gradually she's gotten meaner and meaner to the point I don't recognize her. I've given her so much but it's always "I've done so much for you", the typical guilt trip and it's agonizing because we've been through so much together. So I've had it. Not once did she ever say after all I sacrificed that it was time to live my life and she never will (it will always be on her own terms). So I will always love you Mom, more then you'll ever know, but I'm gone.

I am 19, in college, and every time I want to go somewhere with a friend or two its like World War III has started. I feel like she's trying to control every thing. I feel so trapped it feels as if I can not breath sometimes. We fight so much and I have grown to resent her for everything that she does. I can not handle it anymore and I would rather move out, get a job, and barely get by then to live here and continue with college with her controlling my life. I can't imagine even going through what you're going through at your age. Over bearing mothers really have no clue the positive effects a social life can actually have on a growing child... They are the ones who need to grow up in that situation.

Don't be too hard on your parents. Try to see this from their point of view. You see them as possesive, but for them they still see you as the delicate vulnerable infant that you once were and are doing their best as good parents to protect you. Of course now that you are a fully grown up adult and naturally want the same independence and freedoms your parents enjoy your parents will have to re-adjust to the new and for them challenging circumstances. They still love you very much. Your next move is to show them, thanks to your parents, what a strong loving caring thoughtful individual adult you have become. Make friends outside the family, investigate the world about you, allow yourself the freedom of your sole. Plan your destiny, listen to the cravings of your heart and honour them. x

Thank you, mother, for molesting me and painting me as a liar so you could continue to do this 'til the day I escaped by the skin of my teeth.

Thank you, parents, for criticizing me at every turn, and demanding the contact info of everyone you knew I ever spoke to so that you could pull them into the family drama and do your damnedest to turn them against me.

Thank you, extended family, for siding with the rapists, thieves, and dog-beaters.

I'm not sure you understand what a controlling family really looks like, nongenderbias9. These are people that prohibit the very things you suggest: making friends outside the family; seeing the outside world; allowing any sort of room for individual thought let alone freedom. These types of families systematically break down that soul of yours.

If someone's still viewing an 18 year old as a "delicate, vulnerable infant," after that child's needs have been drastically changing and needing addressing for a decade, there's something seriously wrong with that someone.

Hi. If you want things to change you have to change yourself. Things will always be the same for you unless you decide to do things differently. Waiting for your parents to change just because you think they should aint going to change anything. Try acting as one who is grown up and independent. If you are over 18 you should be out there fending for yourself and helping other people less fortunate than yourself. Good luck.

The parents described here are not able to see their children for anything other than a resource to be used and controlled. They are jealous and threatened when their adult children start spreading their wings and will do anything to gain the upperhand even if it means destroying their "loved one's" self-esteem. No words are too cruel and no deed too damaging. The parents you are thinking of have a rational reaction to their child's independence. Being rational people they are able to make the adjustment. Not everyone who is a parent is deserving of your sympathic reply. Some are very damaging.

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My parents have tried to control me my whole life. I have been beat up numerous times by the both of them on several occasions. Welts from belts, black eyes, bruises, hair pulling, and you name it! I still did pretty much whatever the hell I wanted. I got jobs, went to college, had relationships, and got a car which I now make the pay for . I never let them show I was vulnerable and stay strong. However being control left some lasting psychological effects on me. I had my own son who is now three who was deemed disabled but very smart and functioning. Anyways, I got depressed and I rely on my parents to help me take care of my son. My point is test the waters and any boundaries you have with your parents. I still work and have a car, but not having enough money to at the present time can bring a person down. If you want something the go get it, even if it comes with abuse. If your parents love you, then nothing you can do can make the kill you. You will be better off in the long sticking up for yourself then if you didn't stand up for yourself.

My parents always tried to control me. I got up

Im 32 took.my.mother in due to financial struggles on her end. She pays very minimal rent and electric. She has her own living quarters, car is in my name, insurance in my name, she doesnt pay tv,cell,food,laundry etc etc. So roles seem flipped BUT she has the nerve to think I owe her an explanation when my husband daughter and I do anything up to and including going outside! She gets ssi and blows it on crap then expects us to take her places, buy her things and take her out to eat. If/when we say no the world crashes down and we are so horrible....she is 53 !! Beyond irratated we told her how we felt and she pouts for a week we dont see her then she comes right back. We have actually thought of moving out of state to get away!

My dad is like that, even when he had a job, me and my aunt are expected to fork out for him and 'help him out' all the time with money he just spends it all as soon as he gets and god forbid we say no, never mind WWIII you'd think a volcano has erupted I live on my own and have my own bills to pay but no cause I have a job I can afford to look after too.

I feel sorry for those of you who feel trapped by your parents, but I also feel a bit better knowing I'm not alone in this. I'm 31 and considering having a job, maybe driving. I brought up driving to my mom and she reacted like, "D-d-d-d-driving?!" So I'm determined to find some way of getting around even if it means having to roller skate to where I need to go. I never was cool in high school, so I figure why should I care about that now lol.

My sister moved out, but she's told me my dad calls her all the time and she's very annoyed by it. I'm thinking it's because he's felt abandoned whenever anyone had a life independent from him, including his own siblings. I know it's going to be difficult, but I have to move forward, and my psychiatrist is really happy I'm moving forward so at least in all of this I'll have his support. My mom is less overprotective than my dad, but they both worry. I'm just working on taking things one step at a time, and the first step is becoming more physically able so I have a choice when it comes to work.

Good for you. I'm so glad you have someone in your corner. That's important. Good luck.

I'm 31 and very much controlled by my mother ..... she will even lay my clothes out for me, and I get smacked in the face if I complain about the outfit. She doesn't let me control any of my money, I've never had a bank account actually ..... I'm so sad all the time.

Wow Mtumbwa, reading that was just as if I read about my own mother, she's exactly like that too! She doesn't hit me but she always throws a hissy fit if I disagree on outfits she chooses for me, this mostly happens if we are going somewhere for a special occasion. I get to wear what I want otherwise, though she sometimes comments on it but I try not to care and dress the way I feel like. I am 32 years old and I don't have a bank account of my own either, my mom controls my economy due to me suffering from dyscalculia. I can sort of get why she does but she will have to realize that in the future, I will have to be able to take care of my finances all on my own somehow and I can only do that by learning, trying and failing until I get it right. And this applies to almost every other aspect in my life that she controls, afraid that I might fail if she lets me free completely, but like I said, how can I grow and mature as a person if I don't get to try things in life, be it by succeeding or failing, no matter what the task may be? I feel as if my life is coming to a hault, it's become stagnant and every day is repeating itself over and over with the same habits. It's as if my parents feel that this is what they're used to, they're afraid of change and in denial that their son isn't a 16 year old kid anymore but an actual grown man with needs and dreams about life. I think if they let me go, they'd be surprised to see what I could be able to do and that I'd be just fine on my own, despite my difficulties with math and complex numbers. I love music, singing and songwriting and those things have always been an outlet for me, an escape from the stagnant everyday life I live. I know they just want my best but sometimes parents don't necessarily know their own children's best, even if they seem to think "this is the way to do things and we know better than you because we're your parents and we're older than you". "Older" doesn't necessarily mean "smarter". They don't think outside the box or in long terms, as far as my life goes. I study linguistics at the university, I've taken many semesters over due to failing exams, I have passed some exams but mostly failed. I do not integrate well socially at school, I'm shy and I have almost no friends but my parents insist that I continue my studies, it's as if they live vicariously through me because of their own academic shortcomings. There are times I wanna study and find the classes interesting but for the most part, I realize that I've bitten over more than I can chew and that it's too much and too overwhelming for me. I dream about moving out completely, getting my own house/apartment (I have an apartment in the basement one floor down from mom and dad where I have all the necessities for now but I still can't decide on my own dinner, I have to join my parents for dinner everyday and they decide the meal for the day), I dream of dating someone, getting married and have kids but how can I even bring a girl home, realizing she will think it's odd that a 32 year old still lives with his parents? That qualifies as a real turn-off, if you ask me. So I'm single...since forever...

Sorry for writing a novel lol but your comment really struck a chord with me and I can absolutely relate to your situation, given our closeness in age and living with controlling parents. I know it's still early in 2014 and I hope my life will change somehow this year or in the near future at least but I still can't help feeling locked the way things are now.

Did you get out of there and move on?

I'm 24 living at home with my mom. I have been with my fiance for 5 years he was living with me at my parents. My mom said he cheated on me and now we can see and talk to each other, but I cannot stay anywhere with him because she says we can only be friends so I kind of know what its like I don't know what to do because he says that if I cant get away from my parents then he wont be with me can someone help me out what do I do?

hi im 25 years old living also with my mom. i also have boyfriend for 5 years. its the same situation but my boyfirend dint cheat on me.

Thank god that I am not the only one, who's going through this. I'm 40 and living at home with a controlling mother. I graduated college a 3 years ago, and I've been trying to find a job in the field I studied for(administration). Those jobs are very far and few between(at least here in this area). Been trying desperately to find work, anywhere, but can't because I have to stay home a take care of my 85 year old grandfather. I have a few friends, but I am currently in a relationship with a wonderful and caring guy, but its a long distance one(he lives 2 hours away). The only time I get to see him is when he has days off from his job. On the days he has to work, we talk to each other on the phone when-ever possible(3x a day). My mom has no problems having him coming down here to stay when he does, but when I want to go see him, my mom read me the riot act before I go or when I come back. I have my own car btw. My mom puts me down all the time. She blames all my problems on my partner. I even have to ask my mom for permission to go out, even to see my partner(even ask her if I can go out to dinner or a movie when he comes down to see me!!) She's saying that I need a life too. How am I supposed to find work when I have to stay home to take care of my grandfather, even though my younger sister is home(shes living at home too). My mom doesn't control her life, but mine. My partner is so upset and angry because of my mom's behavior toward me. I agree with some posts is that you need move out as soon as possible, whenever possible to get away from the situation; in my case I have to wait til next spring to move out, to where my partner lives. He lives with his mom too, but she's a sweetheart and lets him do whatever he pleases. He wants me to live with him too, but not til she gets a bigger place(hence when I said next spring). In the meantime I'll have to continue looking for work and make the best out of this situation for now.

Hi, I'm very sorry to hear it, the same happen to me, is very hard because I lose any friend I never can go out and meet them and if any come to my home they have to be at living room with my mom over, I was not allowed to visit anyone, I always been bright at school, by the time I was at university and I had group work my mom and that always thought it was a excuse to go out so people start to think I don't want to meet for home works, they also don't want people coming to my home so I have to do the work of everyone a lot of times because I can't have groups. People been very rude at me and stop talking to me, this make me fell very bad, the another students was going to parties, cinema, and having a normal life when I have to go strait to home.

I'm 31 now and I really miss that part of my life that I fell was stolen by my parents.
Now I only have one friend a girl with similar parents. I will love to go out now I did couple weeks ago and guess what everyone was much younger that me , I felt like out of place.
I really don't know what to do.

That's nothing I'm 52 and my mom forbids me to have money. I asked her what she thought I should had I money and she got all upset. Now after a life time of trying to please my mom I found she doesn't want me to have any kind of happiness at all. I don't understand this and am curios as to why this going on while she says she loves me. But and in truth she tries her hardest to sabotage everything I try to do that is good or fulfilling to me I don't know why I'm still trying to please her.

Hi strawberry pocky,
Sounds like my mother. Same thing with control. My father died and she became only attached to me.
She's 55 and on SSI and now is financially dependent on me as well. I'm so stuck and trapped and trying to move out, got a place and going to pay bills there but she don't know that yet. Idk im overwhelmed just like u.
If u still check this site, we should switch email addys and help each other out.

Take care,
Heather

I'm 27 years old , I live far away from my mom

My teenage was a nightmare , I couldn't do anything , couldn't go out , meet friends , have a social life, boyfriend etc ...

I thought it would me solved when I move out , but it didn't ...

She still control me , and I'm having so much stress because I don't have a life , I'm so unhappy ..

She calls me all the time , she want to know what time I'm home , what time I'm going to sleep, what I'm doing , she wants to know everything ...

How can I start a relationship with somebody if I'm not free ? I feel so insecure and I don't have power to face her ...

I think I never get close to anybody because I'm too aftaid of the reaction of my mother about me giving attention to somebody else , she would made me feel guilt and selfish ..

And I just don't know how to tell her without hurting that she needs to let me go , and I need to make my life ..I love her , and she is toxic for me, still I care and don't want to cut off her of my life

She lives alone , divorce and I understand she feels lonely , and I don't want she feels unloved and depressed ...plus she have problem with alcohol ....

That's complicate ,

Dude, I\'m the same exact way. My Mom got involved with my relationship with my first love, controlled me, read all my emails between me and her. It\'s like she wanted to have sex with me, like she was jealous. I ******* hate her so much. She contributes nothing good to my life, she attributes to my lonliness. She is a burden and I would be so much happier if she was dead. I\'m so embarrassed by my parents, they are alcoholic and hard to deal with and live with. Everything is negative that comes out there mouth, I\'ve spent my whole ******* life trying to get approved by them. Trying to feel validated. Everybody sides with them! Nobody understands me, or what I\'m going through. They drive nice *** fancy cars, I\'m so plagued by alcoholism and anxiety that\'s it\'s so hard for me to drive. They don\'t have to deal with any of this, and still they kick me out of the house. I\'ve slept on the streets, in a tool shed, all because of what\'s happened to me. They are such ****** up people I wish I could ******* kill them. They don\'t mean **** to me.

Hey, people, you basically have two choices- either sit back/live with your parents and complain about how bad it is, or move the hell out and stand your ground. Even if you do not have money or a job. If that is not what is preventing you, then it can be harder. My mother is a control freak. I am 24, and recently was "forced" to live with my parents because I did not have a job and could not afford an apartement. I still do not have a full time job, and now I don't have a place to live, but hell even if I have to stay at a homeless shelter, it will be better than dealing with her insanity. She would do stuff like break into my room in the middle of the night and yell that I did not vacuum the floor for a long enough time, WTF? She is very manipulative, but NOT ANYMORE. Yesterday I left and while my future is uncertain, I feel so much more freedom already. I gave my parents back their car which they claimed was a "gift" for me and my son, yet they made up all those rules about me using it (no bumper stickers, no certain people in the car, etc) . My mother would also complain that she had to babysit my son (yep, just like one person posted below, "Am I being paid for this"?) , YET when he was taken away, she would moan about how I am not letting her be a grandmother, etc. She contradicts herself constantly. So anyways, I just got fed up with her, so I left.

I'm 34 and my mom likes to control/manipulate when or how often she can babysit her own grandchildren... she says wierd things to me like I need to find a different babysitter, or how often I can work cause of her busy schedule. She says wierd remarks to family like I don't get paid to watch the kids. You aren't alone, I'm becoming more aware of the wierd comments though

I'm 22, married with a baby and my step- mom tries controlling my life! She follows all my online things, guilt trips me if I say anything that isn't praising her, and keeps trying to get me on gov't assistance even though my husband is in the Army. She even told him if he moves abroad, me and the baby HAVE to stay with her, because I "don't know what I'm doing." I've tried explaining that I'm an adult and not in the nest anymore, but she doesn't understand. You may just need to work on getting out of there as soon as you can and let her see you're an adult. Best of luck.

IM 22 i'll be 23 in may and I still live with my mom and her boyfriend my mom is 40 and will be 41 in april her boy friend is 26 and we can't stand each other they do things very disrespectful and don't respect me what so ever I hate it here I have to ask my mom promotion to go spend time with family I have no friends or boyfriend she always puts me down and betters herself my father past away when I was a baby I have a job and no license or car i'm so,tired of it she beats me up when she drinks her boyfriend always expects me to clean up after him he is such a loser and they plan on getting M, they make me sick!!!!!!

THANK YOU FOR THIS! Exactly what I needed to hear, someone who goes through the same. At least the 1st step is we acnkowledge that there is a problem.

Well, I'm, just about 3 years older than you, and I have the same issue, aside from a few different minor details. For example, I do have a job and a license. She basically cons me out of my own money, and I can't drive HER car, and having no money prevents me from buying my own. She only even let me get my license, so I could go into places for her and let's say get her lottery tickets or cigarettes, so she didn't have to go in.

I can't get away from all this

I know my mom is the same way except I have kids

you should try and talk to her about these concerns that you have you also have to explain that you are no longer a child.
some parents actually think that they are doing it for our own good but they do not realise that they are doing more harm than good and for some reason they dont realise.
see my mother is controlling and she likes to have both of her boys close but we cant fall into her cycle like im going through a divore and shes almost forcing me at satying at her house where i have to sleep on the couch but sorry i am a grown man i have a house i rent and i like my independence and when i try to explain it to her she gets all frustrated and pissed off and then tries to make me feel guilty but i dont instead i simply explain to her that i am not her 5 year old anymore i can make choices of my own and if these choices get me in **** well the best way to learn a lesson is by learning from your mistakes and not compensating theirs.
yes it may get hard but theres a point in life where you just have to take a stand and have your parents realise they may want to protect us but their not they are hurting us and making us feel like useless wastes of skin which we obviously are not and that we want to get out there and live a life and experience on our own its not because it didnt work out for them that it wont for us.

@jeremie519: Your strategy would work if the mother were rational and un-NPD. I am middle-aged, and was raised with the same type of mother. From what all I have read about this mothering style, few of them listen to reason and respect their childrens' requests to be treated as the adult they are. Grown kids still want their parents involvement and concern, but also want to be respected as having enough of a brain to make their own decisions about their own lives, as you suggest the author should point out to his mom. Some moms, like ours, have gone haywire, and they continue to infantilize, insist that we need mommies help/money/decisions even if we draw boundaries, request/insist that she stop doing so, etc. People who haven't lived it will blame the victim and say that we "allow" our moms to bulldoze us, or say that we haven't got the confidence to break away. (Pfft) The reality is: you can move away and distance yourself from your mom, and she is likely to take it poorly, OR you can choose your battles. Best of luck.

Honestly, rebel. That's the best advice I can give. stand your ground. Don't tell your parents where you are going, you are adults and can either do what your parents want to keep the peace, or you can fight and be happy. I don't have the same exact problem as most of you do. My mother lives across the street from me, but I am married with a child and its a constant battle with her. She screwed her life up and now that she moved close to me she uses me for a car, laundry, pretty much whatever she wants and is dragging me and my family down financially. Misery loves company. I just cut her off today literally hours ago. Locked my gate, made her return my key (basically put my foot down). I am terrified of course because she is the black cloud when she is upset and everyone hears about it. Sometimes you have to hurt the ones you love or go the tough route in order to get the point across that they do not own you. In fact, why don't you remind them that you're the one who chooses their nursing home. ( I hope I didn't offend anyone with this post whether it was grammatical or just the whole picture. I just wanted to offer my perspective on the situation and hope this helps in some way.)

Im so sorry, I have the same issues as well but they do let me drive

you are dependent on your mother. The fact that you have gotten this far into adulthood and are still controlled by your mom indicates that this has gone from a cute-sy family dynamic into the realm of a psychologically, neurotic, co-dependent relationship. If you don't believe me, watch the movie "Black Swan." You sound just like the girl in that film; totally driven to the point of breaking because her mom controls her career, her choices, her life.

You need to suck it up, move your stuff and leave. This will only get worse and you will find yourself an old maid/bachelor living at home nursing his/her vituperative mother all alone.

The key to this IS control, and learning about it. LEARN all you can about the disorders of CoDependency, Narcissism, Borderline Personality Disorder, and learn about sexism and gender role conditioning. There are classic stories about this: Cinderella, Snow White, Rapunzel, those are all female, but that's just because it's more common for parents to do it to daughters. Parents who are controlling are usually not aware of what they're doing, not really; a lot of them have issues from their OWN childhood, and they may never tell you any of it. They may not even realize anything happened that wasn't perfectly normal.
"Few people realize that those who are under the thumb of controlling parents have often been groomed their whole lives to just shut up and listen, and that it will take a lot of effort, work and sometimes money to undo years or decades of damage done by crazed mothers and fathers."
The worst thing we can do is wait for them to change. We have to learn about them, the situation we are in on on intellectual level, and heal OURSELVES. It is literally the only way. Much love to everyone here. Oh and DO NOT hook up with people outside the family as a way to get out, we usually just pick MORE controlling people, because they seem familiar. Look that up too. Relationship Patterns. It's doable, and it's easier than it seems, but emotionally we have to rewire our brains to be able to feel like capable, normal, strong individuals.

YES! THANKS!!!

I agree a 100%. It took me a long time to realize that my parents are the controlling type. Actually, it took me years - I am 24 now. Finally, I realized that they won't change. But I will.

And I just wanted to say to everyone who has controlling parents: Do what EverythingsAlright said. Take the time you need. Realise that the problem was and is real, even if no one else will ever see or understand the situation you were in. It might be hard, but take yourself and your feelings seriously, put yourself before your parents. Many controlling parents are great at stopping you from doing exactly that. But you will get through it and you will be a free person. More importantly, you will be your own person. You are already a very brave and strong person for getting through childhood and still having your own will, even though you grew up with over-control, no matter what form it took!

I'm 26 and still live at home. I strongly believe that my mum suffers from some sort of disorder because she has faked illness to gain sympathy, relives her glory days, doesn't attempt to make friends as she finds people annoying to her, stresses about everything, needs to control everything in my life and nothing I do is good enough. I have been dating my boyfriend for 5 yrs and I am receiving constant pressure to marry him. I am studying law (I don't even know if I want to do it!) but it is one of her approved courses. The other one was medicine. Not kidding. I don't know what other careers are like and I'm not allowed to apply for those jobs let alone explore them. I have no money to move but I feel so trapped. These are the yrs where I should be living my life not hating them and having suicidal thoughts. Everything has to go her way. I don't eat and I have no motivation to go out. I don't want a bad relationship with her but my life needs to change.

Btw it's comforting that we can unite but is there anyone out there that has advice that can help us? I'm desperate for help...

Do you have good credit? Enough to get you a loan? It's time to start making a plan NOW.

My mother is controlling too. I've just turned 20 living in Australia (technically I'm legal to move out of home as of 18yrs) I asked to get a tattoo a few months ago and she lectured me and made me change my mind. I wanted to dye my hair certain colours, she wouldn't allow it. I wanted piercings, won't allow it. I can't even sleep over at my best friends house. My dad says I can't make life decisions till I'm 31 and if I grab my keys to even go to the shops it's always "where are you going?" "don't be out long" "who will you be with?"<br />
So now I just sit at home, hardly any friends and play games to pass time for the next 11 years. I'd hope to be married in the next 5 though. Won't happen.<br />
I'm glad I'm not the only one with a controlling physco mother

Hi, I can identify with whats being shared here. I went through a similiar experience and I know how difficult it is to dealt with controlling parents. I'm reading a book right now that I've found very useful, it's called, Toxic Parents - Overcoming their hurtful legacy and relaiming you life, by Susan Forward.

I think my mom's parents were abusive too...not physically, but her father was very angry and verbally abused everyone, and her mother was emotionally abusive to my mother. We lived with Grandma for over a decade, so Mom definitely got messed up. Basically, she tries to live vicariously through me...she wanted to go to college, but couldn't afford it, so she forces me to go. If she wants me to do something, I am forced to do it. I think this is from a lack of control in her own life for most of her life, so she raised me in such a way that I would listen to whatever she says and that I should be scared of the consequences if I disobey.<br />
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She was married, but got a divorce when I was still an infant. She only has the best things to say of my father, so I'm guessing it was not a bitter separation. I still don't know why they divorced...I think it was because he was accused of abusing me or something.<br />
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Mom has hobbies, but nothing that would require her to leave the house...she likes to garden, cook, and read. She never goes anywhere with friends and she never invites anyone to her house. She doesn't go to parties or out for a drink or shopping with friends, so she digs her claws into me even more if I try to go do things. In short, she is very messed up and I'm the only one left she can control because she can't control much else.<br />
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And I did have money saved up from my last job to buy a car, but when I was told I would not be getting a loan for college, all the money I had was taken for school against my will. I don't even have a bicycle.Mom fails to realize that sheltering me and turning me into a "late bloomer" has done me more harm than good. Most people are where I am now when they are teenagers. I cannot even describe the rebel soul that rests beneath my stifled and emotionally abused exterior...I'm someone who wants to be an artist, have exotic pets, dye my hair weird colors, have lots of piercings and tattoos, stay up late, do spontaneous things without needing to ask permission, see my own family...the list trails. I can only be part of who I really am at home without being yelled at.<br />
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Sometimes I do try and be understanding of my mother...she was messed up by her parents and that's the only way she knows how to live, so she's messing me up now AND preventing me from escaping the damage because SHE couldn't do that. Part of me hopes one day I go truly insane because of her so she can see just what she has done to me...maybe she'll feel bad, but odds are she will blame someone else because nothing is ever her fault.

I definitely understand what you mean, LifesABeech. And I think it can be worse for only children because the parents don't try and divide their control over several children. It's just the one. My mother has been bitching at me left and right to get a job, but she fails to understand that there is very little to do where we live. I have no job history beyond freelance work, and the job I used to have I refuse to admit I had because the company was so unethical. I can't get experience even in the most entry-level jobs because no one will give me a chance.<br />
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I was forced into undergrad, grad school currently (of course I have to pay for it), was made to give up my savings for a car for school, and now my mother feels I'm too fat, so she has been forcing me to diet. Now this in itself is not entirely bad, but when I get screamed at for every single thing I put in my mouth, it gets on my nerves. Today I was yelled at for eating two sandwiches for dinner - sandwiches made with "healthy" cold cuts and diet bread. I'm still not allowed to see my family.<br />
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I was also recently run off another site for grad students...I was accused of being a troll because I guess my life is just so unbelievable that it can't possibly be true. This is just more proof as far as why I so rarely reach out and try to find someone to just listen - people think I'm a liar who wants attention. Those quickest to judge almost always are people who have never had to deal with controlling parents, or if they did, things worked out really easy for them and they were able to leave. It's not easy like that for everyone - if I were to move out now, I'd have no job, nowhere to go, no vehicle, no money for a deposit on anything, no food, and a bunch of pets. I don't even have a car I could live in.<br />
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Few people realize that those who are under the thumb of controlling parents have often been groomed their whole lives to just shut up and listen, and that it will take a lot of effort, work and sometimes money to undo years or decades of damage done by crazed mothers and fathers. I'd love to be on my own, be out of grad school and maybe try to get on my own two feet. Even if I were poor, I'd probably still be happy. At home under the lock and key of my mother, I'm depressed, moody, lazy, tired, and have zero desire to do anything. Of course my mother tells me I'm a lazy bum because she doesn't know or care that it's HER making me feel that way. Whenever I'm not in her house, I feel better.

Hey,
I'm in the same situation as you. I'm 22-years-old, and I don't even have access to my credit card. Why? It's in the possession of my mother. She controls all of my financial resources, EVEN when I've had a job for five years. I can't argue with her, or else she will start screaming and accusing me of liking my Aunt (My paternal Aunt) better than her, which is ironically the truth. My mother and father divorced when I was five-years-old, and she's held a bitter grudge against his side of the family eve since. Even though this post is two years old, feel free to reach out to me if you need someone to talk to.

I want to start this off by letting you all know I am NOT being sexist at all. But lets accept the fact that in life no matter what your culture or religion is or what country you live in, Males have more freedom than Females, right? Well I'm 23 year old Male, and i have 3 little sisters, and a baby brother, and my MOM AND DAD, control everything in my life. Sure I work, and i did graduate from college and university with 2 diplomas and a bachelors degree. They tell me how to spend my money, when to spend it, where to spend it, basically they control my finance life. (BY THE WAY, i graduated from university taken Finance). you may think "why dont you find a good job and move out?" well i wish it were that easy, the city i live in doesnt have much potential, and when i try to apply to other jobs outside the city and bring up the fact that success is more likely to happen outside the city, they go stupid over the conversation, the conversations go on for like a few hours.<br />
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So basically welcome to the life of controlling parents, how do you please them? NO ONE KNOWS, its mean and really bad to say this but anyone in a situation like this or worse, your gonna have to wait til they either change themselves, wake up, or pass on.

Hi I recently came upon your post. Im 30 years old and i live with my mom with my seven year old daughter. My mom controls every aspect of my life. My money, I drive her car because she talked me out of getting my own.she will wake me up by banging on my bedroom door complaining about god knows what. Im engaged to be married, and I have to clean the house top to bottom , just to have my fiance stay over. We cant sleep in the same room. We have to sleep in the front room.my younger sister moved out.I wish i had the freedom she has.my mother is almost 50.I wanted a tattoo and my mother acted like it was her body .anyway im just so frustrated. Hope you get this.

"My mom controls every aspect of my life".

That's is what your mother conditioned you to believe. IS it really factual that she controls every aspect of YOUR life? Can she legally do that? No.

I am 24 and starting to think this. I can NOT wait for her to accept who I am and the changes that I am going to make next year. That is like abusing myself to wait for her love when all this time I can mother and love myself. YOU allowed her to be abusive to you still. You just don't realize it and it's ok. Awareness is important. Once you are aware of her tactics and who you are you'll start to heal. I live with my mom still and AM planning to leave Spring 2015 and she'll say "Why not BUY a house instead of renting an apartment"? Well I obviously caught her manipulated suggestion. She just doesn't want the responsibility to fend for herself when my sister and I move out. She in her own mind thinks she's going to live with me and sis if I bought a home. Nope. lol.

STOP telling her that you are going to do this or that for YOUR life. DON'T tell her your plans. I made a mistake telling her a plan last summer and she was upset and it ruined my plan but NOW I know better. You don't have too tell her anything. I want a tattoo also but have NO need to TELL her that. Because I know her reaction will be negative. I am planning to do something next month that I know will rock her world but I don't care. I don't because I own my body, mind and spirit. She can't legally tell me what I can't do anymore.

Get your own bank account. I did an have a lot of money saved up for my sister and I and we have enough to move out. If my mom asked how much money I have I tell her it's none of her business. Then she'll make assumptions that I have $30,000 when I don't. She is just jealous but I don't...care. (:

Ive been going thru the same situation for years now, I just turned 20 and ive decided its time to move out on my own and start living my life for my sanity sake. cnt take living with a manipulative/overcontrolling mother anymore..

I know exactly how you feel and Im going through it now. Instead of it being my Mum its my Dad. I never realised that there were others like me out there. <br />
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My Dad and I have never had a good relationship. Ive never gelled with him so to speak because he was never around. He was always working and I understand that. He may of thought that he was doing what he could to keep his family affloat but he was never around in the emotional department neither. <br />
At 16 I developed Anorexia and now, at 23, I am "recovered" I feel I may have gotten my life back together. I have a boyfriend he dont know about because I know he will disapprove and probably call me a **** even though we've been together for 2 years and I have never slept around like that. Infact my boyfriend is my first. But I believe, to him, that just having a boyfriend makes me a **** nomatter how you dress it up because its not what he's approved. He was sitting there today telling me how he was going to hook me up with one of his friends sons around the time I fell ill. I thought, "you cheeky little bastard" <br />
My boyfriend lives out of the city and I got to see him every month for 2 weeks. Like your Mum does, everytime I want to go, it ends up in a screaming match. (though he think i am just seeing friends) <br />
He says, "Why are you always going up to so and so's place? Don't you know that I miss you? You say their your friends but Ain't I your friend aswell?" its almost like I am a child and I am incapable of looking after myself. Shouldnt it be my right to see whomever I want to see? Ain't I allowed a life? <br />
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To him my choices are wrong. His are right. It makes me feel so depressed because I feel like I am a prisoner of my own life. And it hurts. Sometimes, I think that maybe if I end it all, would he get it then? Would he change? I want to tell him about my boyfriend. I want to tell him that Im inlove and that I have found someone who loves me and cares for me back as I do. I don't want to have to leave home on bad terms. Id like to leave home knowing that everyone is happy for me. I don't know. Maybe my Dad could have some kind of mental/emotional disorder. He just doesnt seem to get it. he doesnt seem to get the fact that I am an individual and that i have a life that I need to lead and not be led by others. He doesnt grasp the concept that my desicions are mine alone. either if they maybe be wrong but they are MINE. <br />
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As I said, at the top of my response, I never knew there were others who go through the same thing. I honestly thought I was the only one. Thank you for highlighting this as I am sure many others are going through the same. <br />
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I do hope you and the other responders here have gathered strength from this and hopefully found peace. Im praying for the same.

My mother also never taught me anything domestic. Never was I shown how to wash dishes, do laundry, mop the floor, cook...nothing. But boy, she sure loved to point out how OTHER kids my age could cook and clean, and how I was just lazy and stupid. I mean it wasn't anything difficult and I did learn all this stuff on my own, but the thing is I was never taught to do anything, most likely as a way to keep me helpless and independent. I was also never taught anything about sex, I guess because Mom figured if I was kept ignorant, I would never have sex and get pregnant. I also taught myself about sex extensively (birth control, pregnancy myths, etc.) before I even had a boyfriend because I knew I never wanted to have children and I wanted to learn how to keep it that way.<br />
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I don't have too many friends, but my mother sometimes screams when I want to visit certain ones. One good friend lives out of town and I go see him via carpooling with another friend. Basically, I tell my mother I will give her gas money if I can have a ride 40 minutes away to meet with the carpooling friend. Every single time I want to go see this friend, there is screaming and sobbing involved when it is in no way necessary. Last time I made this trip, I told my mom - not asked - that I was going, and if she could not give me a ride, that I would take a cab. It would be $100+ for that cab ride, but I wanted to see my friend badly enough.<br />
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I got accused of being "N-word rich" - whatever that means. Basically how I have money to spend frivolously while she can't even afford her bills. And I always hear about all her reasons why I can't go - school, homework, someone MIGHT call me for an interview, etc. Basically, I need to put up a fight every single time I want to do something. I hate it, though it is worth it for my friend.<br />
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I almost want to say I am not a "typical" emotional and verbal abuse victim in the sense that I am not convinced that the things I am told are the truth. More or less, I have the capacity to understand what is a lie and what is real...which also causes a toll on my sanity because I know the cost at which this imprisonment comes and I understand it, yet I feel powerless as far as how to make it end.<br />
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It's a lousy place to be, and very few people understand because the ones who often offer "advice" also often are people who have never ever been in an abusive living situation, or they feel if abuse leaves no marks or bruises, then it's not real abuse. I will be absolutely honest - I am considering writing something like an autobiography. Unfortunately, there will be no happy ending like many life stories - but I would like to really address emotional and verbal abuse, control, and more coping mechanisms for people who cannot escape. Because that is what I have - ways to deal with it rather than trying to escape. Not ideal, but I really do want to reach out to others, let them know they aren't alone, and offer any advice I can. If I can make one person go, "I'm in the exact same situation," then I feel my goal will be reached. Knowing someone else is experiencing the same thing you are can really make things a little more bearable because you always worry you're the only one with an uber-controlling parent (or other issues).

Thanks for sharing this, as I (and many others) have been in the same situation. The problem is that we're too scared or in denial to share with others what's going on. You're brave for telling your story, because some would never understand why an adult can't just get up and leave. <br />
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Your mom may have narcissistic personality disorder, as does mine. They don't want their kids to be independent, because they see their kids as instruments or extensions of themselves. They say they want what's best for their kids, but they don't see their kids as their own person with feelings. Standing up to them can be hard, because you're attacked with verbal insults that rob you of your self-esteem, constant guilt to make you feel like a bad daughter/son, manipulation, screaming..the list goes on. No wonder many of us go back into fear and just do what our parents want.<br />
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Up until I was 25, I "allowed" (not like I had a choice) my mom to contorl who I was friends with, what I wore, how I was supposed to feel and the list went on. When I wanted to move out, my mom laughed and said how I don't know anything to move out on my own. She was somewhat right, as she never taught me how to cook or any basic life skills. I could have learned on my own or from someone else, but I had no confidence.<br />
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I hope things work out for you. Please seek some counseling.

My story is similar. She's still trying to control and manipulate…even lies to her friends about how "rotten" I treat her if I reply to her insults with HUMOR! This when she's 76 and I'm 56, ferchissakes!

Oh my god! Do we have the same mother??? Haha! No, really. You're upbringing sounds very similar to mine. (Check out my story under I Don't Get Along with my Mother and you can see.) I did not get my liscence until I was 20 because they refused to teach me to drive and I pretty much taught myself. Plus, my mother was a bit biploar. Being overly affectionate half the time and abusive the other half. I got married though and left home at 21 and I have lived halfway around the world from them and now 300 miles away. But she still trues to control me now and I am nearly 27. She wants to know the details of mine and my husband's financial situation, did not want me to stay in a hotel alone when I traveled by myself, etc. It sucks, I know. The only thing I can tell you is you eventually have to take a stand and if they refuse to respect that you are an adult now you may have to leave. I would suggest going to a college far far away too. Or they may want to come get you every weekend as mine wanted to do when I was going to go to college the first time. You're 23, its time to start setting boundaries because that's the only way you will get your freedom.