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Mom Still Controls My Life As An Adult

My mother has been controlling me my entire life. Up until I was 14, she did my homework for me because she felt I was too dumb to know how to do it. She never ever encouraged me to take an extra-curricular activity or make and spend time with friends. Her belief was that I needed no friends - just family. She forbade me from seeing my boyfriend at the time because I got in-school suspension for hugging him (considered PDA). She did not let me get a job, a license, or even a learner's permit because she didn't want me having anything resembling freedom. Nope, she wanted me to be dependent on her.

Thankfully I broke out of the homework cycle and began doing my own work...and I found my grades were considerably higher than when she did my work for me. Then I was forced to go to college; Mom wanted to go to college to become a teacher, but back when she was college-aged, there were no student grants or loans, so she couldn't afford it. So, she chooses to live vicariously through me...I went to art school for four years, looked unsuccessfully for work, and this year, I was forced into graduate school. According to her, going to grad school is "For my own good." Yes, it's for my own good to go $50,000 further into debt. I can't even afford my student debt bills now, paying almost $600 on a $2000 annual income. But who cares, right? Mom should know how bad being in debt forever is because she's been paying for her house for several years.

SHe is also teaching me how to drive so I can get my license...and she is teaching me many incorrect and illegal things, like driving in the middle of the road so as to not hit parked vehicles, stopping in the middle of the road when I have the right of way, and driving 10-15 miles below the speed limit. I don't see myself passing my road test...Mom cares more about her car than about teaching me how to properly drive. I don't know why I bother...if I ever can afford a car, I won't be allowed to drive it anywhere by myself. Mom will likely take my keys to work with her so I can't drive around unsupervised, even if I had a license.

I also have to ask permission to go see friends, to see my boyfriend, to see friends out of town. I'm 23. Contrary to what someone may tell you, being an adult does not mean you can do whatever you want. Whoever said that obviously never lived with a controlling parent. I love my mother, but I just feel so trapped. I can't do anything, I can't go anywhere. And whenever I try to go someplace, like to see my school friend in the city, it always has to include a long screaming ordeal.

I just wish my mother was more normal. If she were, maybe by now I'd be driving, have a job and possibly my own living space. She would forbid me from moving out if I tried. It really sucks, but I can't afford to move, so I have to deal with being controlled day in and day out.
StrawberryPocky StrawberryPocky 22-25, F 55 Responses Aug 10, 2010

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I'm in the exact same situation with BOTH my parents.. a father who is two faced; says hurtful things and look at me little a complete ***** and my mother continuously nagging and agreeing with everything he says. Life atm is hell.. been on antidepressants numerous times, had counselling and was falling behind at university due to my anxiety, stress and depression. I cry all the time and feel overly suicidal living in this house.. i can't do it anymore and if i could leave I would but my dad will only come after me and kill me.

I know EXACTLY how StrawberryPocky feels and can identify to the T what she is going through. I am 31 years old and my mother controlled me from 1994 to 2013. There was a few years period in which I didn't live with her, but moved back in with her for nearly 1 1/2 years (from April 2011 to August 2012) was miserable! She wouldn't let me go out at night, not even to go for a walk or go to the grocery store! She would listen in on my cell phone calls and would SCREAM at me if I wasn't talking loud enough. She said that if I had to go into the bathroom to have a phone conversation, I shouldn't be having the conversation in the first place! When I was growing up, my father's mother would give me clothes to wear...but I never saw them because my mother would THROW them away. In 2003, when I was dating my now ex boyfriend, she would throw the letters that he wrote to me away and I never knew about it until 2 years later, when he told me that my mother was intercepting his letters and not giving them to me. My mother was physically abusive to me from age 11 to 15...and I still have scars on my face to this day, 20 years later. She is so controlling and manipulative that she has chased everyone that cared for her away, my father tried to help her but she tried to kill him when I was 3 and he left her alone. She threatened to call ACS on me many times, because I was supposedly "a bad parent" (she needs to look in the mirror and point the finger at herself!). I paid her cable bill for nearly 3 years due to the controlling factor and finally put an end to it last year after I told her that I couldn't afford it. I was living in mental health housing, and I got an allowance of only $360 a month....and most of that money went to paying her cable bill and my phone bill. Even when I was living on my own, she would make comments about me going out at 10:30pm, saying that If I'm out that late, I must be up to no good. It got to the point where I moved nearly 100 miles away from her to the East End of Long Island, NY...just so she wouldn't be able to visit me and pester me with her poisonous, toxic personality. She even made comments about me moving "so far away from her" saying that I don't make good decisions and I don't think things through. Um....she's not even acknowledging her role in this mess. She says I should move back to Brooklyn, NY to be close to her...I'd rather kick my own butt than to do that. I plan on moving out of state sometime next year...FAR AWAY from NY (like to Nevada, Arizona, Texas or California). I found out from my aunt that my grandmother was controlling too and wouldn't let my mother do anything that required independent thinking. My grandmother would tell me to shut up just because I was laughing at something a comedian did while we were watching TV together. I feel pity for my mother because she will be 57 years old in November 2014...and she's gotten worse over the years. My mother would take my paycheck (when I was working as a teenager for the summer) and not let me keep the money. She would spend it...and would hit me when I complained about it. My mother forced me to wash dishes when I had a high grade fever. I could barely stand and my head was pounding plus I was puking a lot. I once had breathing issues due to my then stove smoking...and my mother told me to SHUT UP when I was complaining of breathing issues and wouldn't let me go to the hospital. I don't even know if I love my mother anymore. My mother treated my landlord like he was a walking disease and that she doesn't like strangers. She criticizes me about not wearing a headband or earrings (I have very short hair) and complained about me cutting most of my hair off due to years of damage...damaged which was cause by a bad perm job of her own doing! My mother doesn't even want me to move out of state, saying that if something happens, she won't be able to help me. Thanks, but I don't want or need your damn help! For 20 years you did nothing to help me. I have a mental illness and I won't let her destroy my happiness. I am moving off the East Coast...whether she likes it or not! My mom once took away my birth control WHEN I WAS 18 and forbade me to get another supply. When I was in junior high, she made me miss out on my senior trip AND prom...even though the principal of the school paid my fees out of his own pocket! I am so sick of my mother. If she were to die today, I'd be the happiest person ever...and that is a sad thing to say about your own parent...but it's true. I would attend her funeral, but I will not shed tears for her, not even one. My mother said that she was heartbroken when I placed my son up for adoption in 2006 and that I should've thought about her before I did it. After 2 decades of lying and deception, I don't believe her. The woman threatened to beat me up when it became apparent that she wasn't getting custody of my son. I got her trifling a** on tape threatening me and turned the tape over to my lawyer, who turned it in to the judge. Needless to say, she lost. She's so whacked out mentally, that she was asking me "Where's your other child? Are you hiding it from me?" I never had a second child, just my son in 2002. Why in the heck would she even ask me that question? She needs help and at this point, I know she will NEVER get it. My mother never taught me how to cook, about sex or finances. She told me when I was 16 that her finances were none of my business. I will be so glad to move out of NY because she still tries to control me...2 years after I moved out of her house and she's gotten worse when I moved back to Long Island in March 2014.

The reason why your mother may not be so normal may be due to a BPD (borderline personality disorder) or some other psychosis. There are many types of them and yes mental issues will get even worse as your parent ages! If you are able to do so, distance yourself from your family and try to get your life together as soon as you can, if even with the help of friends or any other relatives that are sympathetic to your case. Also, being under age, you may be able to imacipate yourself from your abusive parents. I had a friend do this years ago, she was in high school and her parents were horribly manipulative and abusive towards her. If you are a minor, Sadly, if there is undiagnosed mental instability on your mom's part this may not ever be resolved or diagonsed until old age. If you also suspect you might be the byproduct of a household where one or both parents are/were unstable you are going to probably need some therapy. This is not to say everyone living in that environment needs help, however, we as childern owe it to ourselves to be "whole" again after living with someone toxic. Healing yourself will allow you to not repeat those patterns with your own family in the future and to make sure that you also do not carry the horrible legacy of instablity onto your children. Feeling gulity, obligated, fearful of, and giving in to someone with mental problems will not help you in the long run. Establish your own life and an indentiity that is separate, your mother's treatment of you will likey never change no matter what age you are. If there are mental issues in the picture you will get treated the same at 3, 23, 33, and later on in life! Sometimes the family that raised you is in fact not worth your time, energy, nor life! GET OUT AS SOON AS YOU CAN!

I know your situation to a point. I moved out and got married at the age of 23. My mother tried to controll every aspect of our 4 year relationship. My father even screamed at my fiancé when asking for my hand. They kept saying that they loved him which always confused me. Anyways, I had enough and the morning after, I wrote a letter, called my fiancé, and he picked me up. We've been married now for 2 1/2 years to the month. You always have an out if you don't allow your parents to dictate your life. Start living for you and not them. That will get you nowhere in life. Become your own person. And F the "family schedule". Do you.

I had a family very, very similar. What she's doing is actively sabotaging you to keep you prisoner.

If you can file for bankruptcy, or file for hardship to get a grace period on your loans (think that lasts 3 years) - I'd recommend it.

I'd really, really urge you to get out of that place ASAP. There are few things out there that will be worse for you than that place. Hell, there's nothing out there that's worse than being actively and constantly betrayed by someone you're dying to trust.

I'm sorry you're going through this. I hope you manage to escape soon.

I'm 18 and heading to uni in a month. My mother is so controlling, that I have never seen any money which comes into my bank account and not even allowed to have the bank card. In college I got given extra money by them which my mum kept. I wasn't allowed to touch it and was given a limited amount of money out of that for lunch. Also she never gave me any freedom at all, I'm not allowed out of the house even to go to the shops round the corner without her permission, and never hung out with friends outside of school, until I was 17! That's not the part that annoys me, I'm heading off to uni and moving away and have been given a grant, my mother told me that she's gonna have complete control over that bank account!!! Eventhough she isn't gonna live with me! She say that 'I'm gonna control your money cuz your gonna spend it all at once and be left with nothing' eventhough I'm 18 and am more than capable! She also says that I should be grateful for her letting me move away to go uni!!! She says I can commute eventhough it's 2 1/2 hours away!! As other people do, and wants me to come bqco every week to get food as if I don't I won't be able to eat. I tried super hard to talk to her about it but she won't listen!! I live with her only and have 3 other siblings. And am the 2nd eldest. I want to let me control my own finances and control over my bank account as I'm moving away and need it to live!! Help please, genuine help as she is the only family I have left and don't want to cause a rift between us.

What your mother is doing constitutes financial abuse.

As you probably know... protecting yourself is going to offend your mother. What you may not realize in this eye of the storm is... it's okay. And the earlier you do it, the more likely you'll be able to continue to have a relationship with her rather than losing it entirely out of sheer necessity.

STEP 1: Sneak to your bank with as much proof of identity as you can get. Take out all your money - put it in a new account. Hide it. Never let her get her hands on it again. She's playing with your life here.

STEP 2: Food. There's no shame in food stamps, they're there to help you. Find any nearby food pantries and soup kitchens - some have more stringent standards than others. Homeless shelters also often offer meals to the community. These people are a hell of a lot more reliable than your mother. Do your damnedest to survive independently of her - these people have nothing to gain by sabotaging you. I promise you, this will feel a hell of a lot better than relying on someone who cuts your hands off and expects you to be grateful for her getting things for you afterward.

STEP 3: Have an exit plan. The fact that your mother is willing to let you starve through the week and deprive you of food... so that you'll come back to her... is *really ****** up*. This is an act of violence. No one who truly cared about you would do that to you. If you can survive somehow with her in your life - great. But right now, this woman is hellbent on destroying your life to accommodate her image of how things should be.

Good luck, and be safe.

I'm 25 and living with my parents during the summer. They just moved in so I decided to be nice and help them unpack while I searched for an internship in the area. They have over 500 boxes filled with material things. Here's the kicker, after I moved in my mother informed me that we had to empty them all in 2 months due to them hosting a family reunion there this fall. Here's the thing, my mother's idea of unpacking is making little piles all over the house in front of where items should go. Such as, anything that goes upstairs gets put on the steps, to a point where it's unsafe to walk up or down them, and the same goes for the downstairs steps. She never completes the job by getting rid of the piles and always has others do it for her. Being that I'm the only one home on my days off from my internship I'm always the one having to finish her jobs/piles for her. It's really frustrating to me because she's overweight and I feel as though by completing these tasks she'd be helping herself physically as well as mentally. Believe me when I say this, it's not just this tiny incident. There is much more to talk about but I can't write 50 pages so I'll try and mention what I can here. Whenever I have the slightest bit of alone time in the house I get yelled at ,by my mother, to do certain things.. since my/guest room is upstairs. Even if I'm in the middle of something it's never as important as what she want's done. I am never shown love until I accomplish something to her standards. I believe it has led me to become a workaholic and someone who has to gain approval from my parents before I can do anything. I hate it.. but everyone needs to be shown love..right? We both have attention deficit and it's hard for us to get along with each other.. and I fear it always will be but I'm thankful that God atleast gave me one parent who loves me and shows me love without me having to win his approval. I'm a daddies girl at heart.. Speaking about my father, he's become a workaholic too and his attorney from his last job even mentioned it to him in a friendly way. Here he is at his new job with the same job title but less political crap to worry about and yet he's still a workaholic.. meaning.. he brings his work home with him. Since when did family time mean sitting in the living room glued to your laptop while everyone else around you watches tv. Have we forgot to ask each other valid questions about each other's life? I'm afraid that he uses the laptop as a way to seem busy in front of mom because if he wasn't on it she'd put him to work. She often does, even though he's trying to head to bed. Life is stressful and I guess it's something the doctors will never understand. They will not let her take the attention deficit medicine she needs due to her weight, even though she's lost 50 some lbs. I know in this kind of situation it's easy to find someone to blame .. however.. I'm honestly searching for answers as to what I can do.. if I don't figure this out here soon.. I'm going to go insane... I've gotten to the point where if I even have kids ones day I don't want my mom to see them. I don't want her to influence them the way she has me. I'm self conscious and feel unloved.. if that's even a word.. due to all of what has gone on throughout my life. I don't want to see them grow up to be so self conscious.. I feel bad for my father though too.. my parents don't even sleep together anymore and haven't for many years. Mom complains it's because of my dad's snoring and if she can't use that one she throws out the excuse that she stays up later than he does and doesn't want to wake him up at 3 or 4 am when she chooses to go to bed. By the way.. both of my parents don't believe in divorce due to following certain Christian morals.. the only way one can divorce is if one cheats on the other and chooses to continue cheat on their spouse. I for one know my father would and has never done such and for my mom.. well I don't think anyone would touch her.. even if they would we'd all know about it because she hardly ever leaves the house anyway...

Anyway, that's enough for now.. sorry for complaining in an unorganized fashion.. I just needed to vent about the truth..

I understand I live with my father ..I am 20 years old and have a 2 year old daughter and can't do a thing I can't even take her to the park down the street ...I've tryed to talk to him about me getting my own place and well getting a job first then my own place but he don't see it that way.. he thinks it is his job to support my baby but its not that's my job...but the worse part is he trys to get to to smoke weed...drink and do other not father and daughter things ....but he also told me that if I ever moved out to never talk to him again...What should I do??

Leave him.

All my life my parents have been overprotective and controlling. I think it is because I was diagnosed with Aspergers when I was 4 years old and they panicked. They don't even want me to drive a car! My parents especially my dad are always giving me a lot of "can't do" talk. My father currently has skin cancer but I am still very angry at him!

I'm 57 soon to be 58 and my mother smothers and controlls me. I must report to her and she doesnt like me to have friends. I am very resentful and have had enough, I just cant take any more. Im on prozac, was trying to cut down but rage and anger takes over, it's better I be a compliant zombie. I dream of joining my deceased father and his mother soon. Just can't take it any longer.

I am 33 and forced to live with my parents because I'm financially supporting them. My mother is a controlling, abusive and highly manipulative person who has always made my and my father's life a living hell. We cannot have any friends or any kind of normal life. She controls everything - what we eat, where we can or cannot go, how money is spent in the house, even if she isn't the one making them. The worst is that she has a heart condition and for years she has manipulated us with her health issues, always claiming that me and dad want to send her to her grave at the smallest sign of disobedience. She made bank loans behind our backs because she's a compulsive spender and I had to pay for them. She's completely irresponsible. I just want out of this, I don't want to go away because I adore my dad and I couldn't bear to leave him alone with her, but she's killing us both with her lunacy and as she grows old it's only getting worse and worse, more obsessions, more tantrums out of the blue, my dad is very depressed and I feel like I'm getting the life sucked out of me.

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A message to all you folks aged 20+ who are currently controlled/abused by your parents: Grow a spine and stand up to your parents. They have no right to control you after the age of 18, and they certainly have no right to abuse you at any age. You are an adult, so it's time to act like one and take control of your own life. If you don't do this, before you know it you'll be 35 years old, living in your parents' ba<x>sement, with your parents controlling when and where you're allowed to go out. Do you really want this? If you died tomorrow, would you be happy with how your life turned out? I know the economy is gone in the sh*tter at the moment (I myself have applied to over 150 jobs and received not even one reply), but try your hardest to save enough money from odd jobs here and there to build up a fund to move out. You'll need a deposit and first + last month's rent. Personally, I would much rather be renting a shoddy, tiny room in a shared flat, and barely getting by with a minimum-wage job, than staying with my parents and being controlled and have every aspect of my life scrutinized by them. But that's just me; I actually have a sense of dignity. So to all you 20+ folks dealing with such "parents": Get out there as soon as possible. You shouldn't feel "guilty" about leaving your controlling family behind, because let's face it, they were hardly "family" in the first place.

At 16 they said when I'm 18 I can do what I want. At 18 they said at 21 I'll be free. Now, at 23 I'm still looking for a way out. I earn my own money, pay my own bills and even give money towards the expenses at home and I'm still not treated as an adult. I have to ask permission for everything, and I never hear the end of all the stuff that they have done for me i.e clothes on my back, food and putting me through university. I mean why have children in the first place if you're going to talk about all the stuff you do for them right? Surely you would know this comes with being a parent. My parents make it seem like I'm obligated to them for doing all of this and hence they want to control what I do and where I go.
Even the way I spend my money is a problem if they don't approve of it. Its basically them wanting me to give them all my money then perhaps all will be well between us. I haven't asked them for anything since I've started working nor will I ever, the only thing is them providing a roof over my head which I pay for. Moving out isn't even an option as they will cut all ties with me, they did this to my brother who didn't speak to them for 10 years. And I don't want it to be like that. Its just becoming really difficult to live in a house in which you're treated as a prisoner.
Since I have a boyfriend now, they blame everything on him. That he's become so important to me. Which isn't the case. We go out once a month for supper and that's our alone time, which they have also brought up to be unacceptable, yet every other day we're at my house with my parents being there. I'm not even allowed to go to his house.
It doesn't matter how much you kick and scream or try to get your point across, controlling parents will never listen to you because in their mind they are right and you are wrong.
I've told my parents that I don't think theirs parents like them around, but after reading this page I guess theirs quite a few, too many in fact, which makes me kinda sad...because I know how I feel living in this house. Something I wouldn't even wish on my own enemy.

Believe it or not, your brother probably got the easier end.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU GUYS!!! You all are way over 18 and you have the rest of your lives ahead of you. Find a 1 bdrm apartment and get some help from the community! I'm 18 years old, I'm married, I have a 3 year old daughter, I rent my own home, my mom lives in my house! You guys can do this don't let your parents ruin you!

You don't get it. With a parent such as those described by others there would be no chance to come to the reasonable arrangement that you and your mother have.

To anybody adult being controlled by a parent or another family scary as it may seem..please stand up for yourself and claim your life, freedom, finances etc back...if you dont stop it yourself then it will never stop

I also want to add...if you dont feel you can get you freedlm back by yourself then get help...via a lawyer, citizens advice bureau, police etc...they will help you get your finances back in your control and help you get your life under your own adult should be controlled by anybody...

I know how that feels, I cannot go anywhere without asking my dad first and I am 25. I hate that I have to finish school first in order to move out. I have to ask for money and I barely got my license last year as well as my car. I can't ever have a job because its not a good job. Every job I apply for my dad always says it doesn't fit you. I hate it. I just want out of there.

You are shouldnt have to ask your dad for money..or foe permission to get a job

my family wasn't as bad as yours but I was only ever allowed 2 friends home and if I was to have sleepovers it had to be my Uncle wasn't working (lived with aunt an uncle who never wanted children), I wasn't allowed any friends home after school even it was to do a school project or homework, wasn't allowed to be left on my own at 17/18/19 when they went away cause I was a 'typical teenager who will throw a party and trash the place'. At 16 my aunt forced me into a job and I wasn't allowed to quit when I went to Uni so I had to come home on a 4 hour train journey every weekend to work. I am now 22 in my own flat dropped out of uni due to Glandular Fever and I am not allowed to have a dog and think about having a child cause I will ruin my life forever. Moved out and still being told what I can and can't do. defeats the object right?

i am 25 years old living with my mom and working my boyriend is also working in other parts of the world we have been together for 5 years we are coming home this july . we want to to travel but my mother doesnt allow i dont know what to do. it is very hard im an only child and i dont have any other friend to talk to about this. my boyfriend will try to ask her ermission hoefully we can travel together.

Screw what your mum are 25...if you want to travel then travel....where will the control end?...will you have to ask permission when you want to marry?...will you have to ask permission to have a baby?...

If your mum complains then tell her you are 25......can you imagine being 30 or 40 and still being controlled?

My message to anyone experiencing this is simple. Parents who control or beat their children, especially at an adult age of 25+ Should be put in jail! Why? What parent thinks they have a right to choose the life you live? If they care for you and love you then naturally they want you to be happy and live the life YOU choose. Parents who do this clearly think you were born to be a slave or a puppet... It's nothing short of selfish and evil for a parent to control or beat their children in this way! You have a right to choose who will be your husband or wife, just like your parents chose. YOU have the right to decide how many children you would like and who with! Just like your parents chose. How dare any parent tries to take away a child's freedom, better off them putting their hands around your neck and stopping you from breathing! <br />
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But everyone has an option. You stand on your own two feet and run away! Go get the life you want. Dont allow ANYONE to stand in your way, because this is YOUR life. NOT theirs!

I totally agree with you...this should be more publicised..i bet theres alot of young people in their late teens to early 30s being controlled and not knowing how to escape their parents grip and have a life of their own choosing

I am 19, in college, and every time I want to go somewhere with a friend or two its like World War III has started. I feel like she's trying to control every thing. I feel so trapped it feels as if I can not breath sometimes. We fight so much and I have grown to resent her for everything that she does. I can not handle it anymore and I would rather move out, get a job, and barely get by then to live here and continue with college with her controlling my life. I can't imagine even going through what you're going through at your age. Over bearing mothers really have no clue the positive effects a social life can actually have on a growing child... They are the ones who need to grow up in that situation.

Don't be too hard on your parents. Try to see this from their point of view. You see them as possesive, but for them they still see you as the delicate vulnerable infant that you once were and are doing their best as good parents to protect you. Of course now that you are a fully grown up adult and naturally want the same independence and freedoms your parents enjoy your parents will have to re-adjust to the new and for them challenging circumstances. They still love you very much. Your next move is to show them, thanks to your parents, what a strong loving caring thoughtful individual adult you have become. Make friends outside the family, investigate the world about you, allow yourself the freedom of your sole. Plan your destiny, listen to the cravings of your heart and honour them. x

Thank you, mother, for molesting me and painting me as a liar so you could continue to do this 'til the day I escaped by the skin of my teeth.

Thank you, parents, for criticizing me at every turn, and demanding the contact info of everyone you knew I ever spoke to so that you could pull them into the family drama and do your damnedest to turn them against me.

Thank you, extended family, for siding with the rapists, thieves, and dog-beaters.

I'm not sure you understand what a controlling family really looks like, nongenderbias9. These are people that prohibit the very things you suggest: making friends outside the family; seeing the outside world; allowing any sort of room for individual thought let alone freedom. These types of families systematically break down that soul of yours.

If someone's still viewing an 18 year old as a "delicate, vulnerable infant," after that child's needs have been drastically changing and needing addressing for a decade, there's something seriously wrong with that someone.

Hi. If you want things to change you have to change yourself. Things will always be the same for you unless you decide to do things differently. Waiting for your parents to change just because you think they should aint going to change anything. Try acting as one who is grown up and independent. If you are over 18 you should be out there fending for yourself and helping other people less fortunate than yourself. Good luck.

The parents described here are not able to see their children for anything other than a resource to be used and controlled. They are jealous and threatened when their adult children start spreading their wings and will do anything to gain the upperhand even if it means destroying their "loved one's" self-esteem. No words are too cruel and no deed too damaging. The parents you are thinking of have a rational reaction to their child's independence. Being rational people they are able to make the adjustment. Not everyone who is a parent is deserving of your sympathic reply. Some are very damaging.

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My parents have tried to control me my whole life. I have been beat up numerous times by the both of them on several occasions. Welts from belts, black eyes, bruises, hair pulling, and you name it! I still did pretty much whatever the hell I wanted. I got jobs, went to college, had relationships, and got a car which I now make the pay for . I never let them show I was vulnerable and stay strong. However being control left some lasting psychological effects on me. I had my own son who is now three who was deemed disabled but very smart and functioning. Anyways, I got depressed and I rely on my parents to help me take care of my son. My point is test the waters and any boundaries you have with your parents. I still work and have a car, but not having enough money to at the present time can bring a person down. If you want something the go get it, even if it comes with abuse. If your parents love you, then nothing you can do can make the kill you. You will be better off in the long sticking up for yourself then if you didn't stand up for yourself.

My parents always tried to control me. I got up

Im 32 in due to financial struggles on her end. She pays very minimal rent and electric. She has her own living quarters, car is in my name, insurance in my name, she doesnt pay tv,cell,food,laundry etc etc. So roles seem flipped BUT she has the nerve to think I owe her an explanation when my husband daughter and I do anything up to and including going outside! She gets ssi and blows it on crap then expects us to take her places, buy her things and take her out to eat. If/when we say no the world crashes down and we are so horrible....she is 53 !! Beyond irratated we told her how we felt and she pouts for a week we dont see her then she comes right back. We have actually thought of moving out of state to get away!

My dad is like that, even when he had a job, me and my aunt are expected to fork out for him and 'help him out' all the time with money he just spends it all as soon as he gets and god forbid we say no, never mind WWIII you'd think a volcano has erupted I live on my own and have my own bills to pay but no cause I have a job I can afford to look after too.

I feel sorry for those of you who feel trapped by your parents, but I also feel a bit better knowing I'm not alone in this. I'm 31 and considering having a job, maybe driving. I brought up driving to my mom and she reacted like, "D-d-d-d-driving?!" So I'm determined to find some way of getting around even if it means having to roller skate to where I need to go. I never was cool in high school, so I figure why should I care about that now lol.

My sister moved out, but she's told me my dad calls her all the time and she's very annoyed by it. I'm thinking it's because he's felt abandoned whenever anyone had a life independent from him, including his own siblings. I know it's going to be difficult, but I have to move forward, and my psychiatrist is really happy I'm moving forward so at least in all of this I'll have his support. My mom is less overprotective than my dad, but they both worry. I'm just working on taking things one step at a time, and the first step is becoming more physically able so I have a choice when it comes to work.

Good for you. I'm so glad you have someone in your corner. That's important. Good luck.

I'm 31 and very much controlled by my mother ..... she will even lay my clothes out for me, and I get smacked in the face if I complain about the outfit. She doesn't let me control any of my money, I've never had a bank account actually ..... I'm so sad all the time.

Wow Mtumbwa, reading that was just as if I read about my own mother, she's exactly like that too! She doesn't hit me but she always throws a hissy fit if I disagree on outfits she chooses for me, this mostly happens if we are going somewhere for a special occasion. I get to wear what I want otherwise, though she sometimes comments on it but I try not to care and dress the way I feel like. I am 32 years old and I don't have a bank account of my own either, my mom controls my economy due to me suffering from dyscalculia. I can sort of get why she does but she will have to realize that in the future, I will have to be able to take care of my finances all on my own somehow and I can only do that by learning, trying and failing until I get it right. And this applies to almost every other aspect in my life that she controls, afraid that I might fail if she lets me free completely, but like I said, how can I grow and mature as a person if I don't get to try things in life, be it by succeeding or failing, no matter what the task may be? I feel as if my life is coming to a hault, it's become stagnant and every day is repeating itself over and over with the same habits. It's as if my parents feel that this is what they're used to, they're afraid of change and in denial that their son isn't a 16 year old kid anymore but an actual grown man with needs and dreams about life. I think if they let me go, they'd be surprised to see what I could be able to do and that I'd be just fine on my own, despite my difficulties with math and complex numbers. I love music, singing and songwriting and those things have always been an outlet for me, an escape from the stagnant everyday life I live. I know they just want my best but sometimes parents don't necessarily know their own children's best, even if they seem to think "this is the way to do things and we know better than you because we're your parents and we're older than you". "Older" doesn't necessarily mean "smarter". They don't think outside the box or in long terms, as far as my life goes. I study linguistics at the university, I've taken many semesters over due to failing exams, I have passed some exams but mostly failed. I do not integrate well socially at school, I'm shy and I have almost no friends but my parents insist that I continue my studies, it's as if they live vicariously through me because of their own academic shortcomings. There are times I wanna study and find the classes interesting but for the most part, I realize that I've bitten over more than I can chew and that it's too much and too overwhelming for me. I dream about moving out completely, getting my own house/apartment (I have an apartment in the basement one floor down from mom and dad where I have all the necessities for now but I still can't decide on my own dinner, I have to join my parents for dinner everyday and they decide the meal for the day), I dream of dating someone, getting married and have kids but how can I even bring a girl home, realizing she will think it's odd that a 32 year old still lives with his parents? That qualifies as a real turn-off, if you ask me. So I'm single...since forever...

Sorry for writing a novel lol but your comment really struck a chord with me and I can absolutely relate to your situation, given our closeness in age and living with controlling parents. I know it's still early in 2014 and I hope my life will change somehow this year or in the near future at least but I still can't help feeling locked the way things are now.

Did you get out of there and move on?

I'm 24 living at home with my mom. I have been with my fiance for 5 years he was living with me at my parents. My mom said he cheated on me and now we can see and talk to each other, but I cannot stay anywhere with him because she says we can only be friends so I kind of know what its like I don't know what to do because he says that if I cant get away from my parents then he wont be with me can someone help me out what do I do?

hi im 25 years old living also with my mom. i also have boyfriend for 5 years. its the same situation but my boyfirend dint cheat on me.

Thank god that I am not the only one, who's going through this. I'm 40 and living at home with a controlling mother. I graduated college a 3 years ago, and I've been trying to find a job in the field I studied for(administration). Those jobs are very far and few between(at least here in this area). Been trying desperately to find work, anywhere, but can't because I have to stay home a take care of my 85 year old grandfather. I have a few friends, but I am currently in a relationship with a wonderful and caring guy, but its a long distance one(he lives 2 hours away). The only time I get to see him is when he has days off from his job. On the days he has to work, we talk to each other on the phone when-ever possible(3x a day). My mom has no problems having him coming down here to stay when he does, but when I want to go see him, my mom read me the riot act before I go or when I come back. I have my own car btw. My mom puts me down all the time. She blames all my problems on my partner. I even have to ask my mom for permission to go out, even to see my partner(even ask her if I can go out to dinner or a movie when he comes down to see me!!) She's saying that I need a life too. How am I supposed to find work when I have to stay home to take care of my grandfather, even though my younger sister is home(shes living at home too). My mom doesn't control her life, but mine. My partner is so upset and angry because of my mom's behavior toward me. I agree with some posts is that you need move out as soon as possible, whenever possible to get away from the situation; in my case I have to wait til next spring to move out, to where my partner lives. He lives with his mom too, but she's a sweetheart and lets him do whatever he pleases. He wants me to live with him too, but not til she gets a bigger place(hence when I said next spring). In the meantime I'll have to continue looking for work and make the best out of this situation for now.

Hi, I'm very sorry to hear it, the same happen to me, is very hard because I lose any friend I never can go out and meet them and if any come to my home they have to be at living room with my mom over, I was not allowed to visit anyone, I always been bright at school, by the time I was at university and I had group work my mom and that always thought it was a excuse to go out so people start to think I don't want to meet for home works, they also don't want people coming to my home so I have to do the work of everyone a lot of times because I can't have groups. People been very rude at me and stop talking to me, this make me fell very bad, the another students was going to parties, cinema, and having a normal life when I have to go strait to home.

I'm 31 now and I really miss that part of my life that I fell was stolen by my parents.
Now I only have one friend a girl with similar parents. I will love to go out now I did couple weeks ago and guess what everyone was much younger that me , I felt like out of place.
I really don't know what to do.

That's nothing I'm 52 and my mom forbids me to have money. I asked her what she thought I should had I money and she got all upset. Now after a life time of trying to please my mom I found she doesn't want me to have any kind of happiness at all. I don't understand this and am curios as to why this going on while she says she loves me. But and in truth she tries her hardest to sabotage everything I try to do that is good or fulfilling to me I don't know why I'm still trying to please her.

Hi strawberry pocky,
Sounds like my mother. Same thing with control. My father died and she became only attached to me.
She's 55 and on SSI and now is financially dependent on me as well. I'm so stuck and trapped and trying to move out, got a place and going to pay bills there but she don't know that yet. Idk im overwhelmed just like u.
If u still check this site, we should switch email addys and help each other out.

Take care,