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Mom Still Controls My Life As An Adult

My mother has been controlling me my entire life. Up until I was 14, she did my homework for me because she felt I was too dumb to know how to do it. She never ever encouraged me to take an extra-curricular activity or make and spend time with friends. Her belief was that I needed no friends - just family. She forbade me from seeing my boyfriend at the time because I got in-school suspension for hugging him (considered PDA). She did not let me get a job, a license, or even a learner's permit because she didn't want me having anything resembling freedom. Nope, she wanted me to be dependent on her.

Thankfully I broke out of the homework cycle and began doing my own work...and I found my grades were considerably higher than when she did my work for me. Then I was forced to go to college; Mom wanted to go to college to become a teacher, but back when she was college-aged, there were no student grants or loans, so she couldn't afford it. So, she chooses to live vicariously through me...I went to art school for four years, looked unsuccessfully for work, and this year, I was forced into graduate school. According to her, going to grad school is "For my own good." Yes, it's for my own good to go $50,000 further into debt. I can't even afford my student debt bills now, paying almost $600 on a $2000 annual income. But who cares, right? Mom should know how bad being in debt forever is because she's been paying for her house for several years.

SHe is also teaching me how to drive so I can get my license...and she is teaching me many incorrect and illegal things, like driving in the middle of the road so as to not hit parked vehicles, stopping in the middle of the road when I have the right of way, and driving 10-15 miles below the speed limit. I don't see myself passing my road test...Mom cares more about her car than about teaching me how to properly drive. I don't know why I bother...if I ever can afford a car, I won't be allowed to drive it anywhere by myself. Mom will likely take my keys to work with her so I can't drive around unsupervised, even if I had a license.

I also have to ask permission to go anywhere...to see friends, to see my boyfriend, to see friends out of town. I'm 23. Contrary to what someone may tell you, being an adult does not mean you can do whatever you want. Whoever said that obviously never lived with a controlling parent. I love my mother, but I just feel so trapped. I can't do anything, I can't go anywhere. And whenever I try to go someplace, like to see my school friend in the city, it always has to include a long screaming ordeal.

I just wish my mother was more normal. If she were, maybe by now I'd be driving, have a job and possibly my own living space. She would forbid me from moving out if I tried. It really sucks, but I can't afford to move, so I have to deal with being controlled day in and day out.
StrawberryPocky StrawberryPocky 22-25, F 42 Responses Aug 10, 2010

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To anybody adult being controlled by a parent or another family member....as scary as it may seem..please stand up for yourself and claim your life, freedom, finances etc back...if you dont stop it yourself then it will never stop

I also want to add...if you dont feel you can get you freedlm back by yourself then get help...via a lawyer, citizens advice bureau, police etc...they will help you get your finances back in your control and help you get your life under your own control...no adult should be controlled by anybody...

I know how that feels, I cannot go anywhere without asking my dad first and I am 25. I hate that I have to finish school first in order to move out. I have to ask for money and I barely got my license last year as well as my car. I can't ever have a job because its not a good job. Every job I apply for my dad always says it doesn't fit you. I hate it. I just want out of there.

You are 25...you shouldnt have to ask your dad for money..or foe permission to get a job

Growing up my mother had many disagreements with family members resulting in isolation from the family. More often then not my mother cone to me a young child of 10 talking bad about other family members my friends her friends and even my own father (who she was still married to at this point). If I had get togethers with friends it almost had to be at our house and then most often all she would do was make everyone uncomfortable by finding reasons to scream at me and belittle me infront of friends sometimes id even get hit. After my parents split my mother became more of a tyrant i was made to cook clean hold a job go to school no matter how i cleaned it was wrong i was lazy if i asked my brother for help i was screamed at hi. My brother wasn't made to do much he's still not he's 23 he works at night cones home plays video games all night and sleeps all day she does his luandry and I'm expected to cook for him. she took care of my finanxes until I was 18 never showed me mt bank statements and opened my mail till I was 20. When I needed my birtcertificate and SSN for my drivers license I was told I could pay her 25 for each original copy when I called her rediculous I was kicked out of the house and chased down the street as she threw my belongings at me. I am now 25 a mother myself unfortunatly had to move back in with her and its the same as it always has been just worse because she bad mouths my sons father to eceryone in the home has made it so he's no longer welcome and proceeds to tell me this is my fualt

my family wasn't as bad as yours but I was only ever allowed 2 friends home and if I was to have sleepovers it had to be my Uncle wasn't working (lived with aunt an uncle who never wanted children), I wasn't allowed any friends home after school even it was to do a school project or homework, wasn't allowed to be left on my own at 17/18/19 when they went away cause I was a 'typical teenager who will throw a party and trash the place'. At 16 my aunt forced me into a job and I wasn't allowed to quit when I went to Uni so I had to come home on a 4 hour train journey every weekend to work. I am now 22 in my own flat dropped out of uni due to Glandular Fever and I am not allowed to have a dog and think about having a child cause I will ruin my life forever. Moved out and still being told what I can and can't do. defeats the object right?

i am 25 years old living with my mom and working my boyriend is also working in other parts of the world we have been together for 5 years we are coming home this july . we want to to travel but my mother doesnt allow i dont know what to do. it is very hard im an only child and i dont have any other friend to talk to about this. my boyfriend will try to ask her ermission hoefully we can travel together.

Screw what your mum says...you are 25...if you want to travel then travel....where will the control end?...will you have to ask permission when you want to marry?...will you have to ask permission to have a baby?...

If your mum complains then tell her you are 25......can you imagine being 30 or 40 and still being controlled?

My message to anyone experiencing this is simple. Parents who control or beat their children, especially at an adult age of 25+ Should be put in jail! Why? What parent thinks they have a right to choose the life you live? If they care for you and love you then naturally they want you to be happy and live the life YOU choose. Parents who do this clearly think you were born to be a slave or a puppet... It's nothing short of selfish and evil for a parent to control or beat their children in this way! You have a right to choose who will be your husband or wife, just like your parents chose. YOU have the right to decide how many children you would like and who with! Just like your parents chose. How dare any parent tries to take away a child's freedom, better off them putting their hands around your neck and stopping you from breathing!



But everyone has an option. You stand on your own two feet and run away! Go get the life you want. Dont allow ANYONE to stand in your way, because this is YOUR life. NOT theirs!

I totally agree with you...this should be more publicised..i bet theres alot of young people in their late teens to early 30s being controlled and not knowing how to escape their parents grip and have a life of their own choosing

I am 19, in college, and every time I want to go somewhere with a friend or two its like World War III has started. I feel like she's trying to control every thing. I feel so trapped it feels as if I can not breath sometimes. We fight so much and I have grown to resent her for everything that she does. I can not handle it anymore and I would rather move out, get a job, and barely get by then to live here and continue with college with her controlling my life. I can't imagine even going through what you're going through at your age. Over bearing mothers really have no clue the positive effects a social life can actually have on a growing child... They are the ones who need to grow up in that situation.

My parents have tried to control me my whole life. I have been beat up numerous times by the both of them on several occasions. Welts from belts, black eyes, bruises, hair pulling, and you name it! I still did pretty much whatever the hell I wanted. I got jobs, went to college, had relationships, and got a car which I now make the pay for . I never let them show I was vulnerable and stay strong. However being control left some lasting psychological effects on me. I had my own son who is now three who was deemed disabled but very smart and functioning. Anyways, I got depressed and I rely on my parents to help me take care of my son. My point is test the waters and any boundaries you have with your parents. I still work and have a car, but not having enough money to at the present time can bring a person down. If you want something the go get it, even if it comes with abuse. If your parents love you, then nothing you can do can make the kill you. You will be better off in the long sticking up for yourself then if you didn't stand up for yourself.

My parents always tried to control me. I got up

Im 32 took.my.mother in due to financial struggles on her end. She pays very minimal rent and electric. She has her own living quarters, car is in my name, insurance in my name, she doesnt pay tv,cell,food,laundry etc etc. So roles seem flipped BUT she has the nerve to think I owe her an explanation when my husband daughter and I do anything up to and including going outside! She gets ssi and blows it on crap then expects us to take her places, buy her things and take her out to eat. If/when we say no the world crashes down and we are so horrible....she is 53 !! Beyond irratated we told her how we felt and she pouts for a week we dont see her then she comes right back. We have actually thought of moving out of state to get away!

My dad is like that, even when he had a job, me and my aunt are expected to fork out for him and 'help him out' all the time with money he just spends it all as soon as he gets and god forbid we say no, never mind WWIII you'd think a volcano has erupted I live on my own and have my own bills to pay but no cause I have a job I can afford to look after too.

I feel sorry for those of you who feel trapped by your parents, but I also feel a bit better knowing I'm not alone in this. I'm 31 and considering having a job, maybe driving. I brought up driving to my mom and she reacted like, "D-d-d-d-driving?!" So I'm determined to find some way of getting around even if it means having to roller skate to where I need to go. I never was cool in high school, so I figure why should I care about that now lol.

My sister moved out, but she's told me my dad calls her all the time and she's very annoyed by it. I'm thinking it's because he's felt abandoned whenever anyone had a life independent from him, including his own siblings. I know it's going to be difficult, but I have to move forward, and my psychiatrist is really happy I'm moving forward so at least in all of this I'll have his support. My mom is less overprotective than my dad, but they both worry. I'm just working on taking things one step at a time, and the first step is becoming more physically able so I have a choice when it comes to work.

I'm 31 and very much controlled by my mother ..... she will even lay my clothes out for me, and I get smacked in the face if I complain about the outfit. She doesn't let me control any of my money, I've never had a bank account actually ..... I'm so sad all the time.

Wow Mtumbwa, reading that was just as if I read about my own mother, she's exactly like that too! She doesn't hit me but she always throws a hissy fit if I disagree on outfits she chooses for me, this mostly happens if we are going somewhere for a special occasion. I get to wear what I want otherwise, though she sometimes comments on it but I try not to care and dress the way I feel like. I am 32 years old and I don't have a bank account of my own either, my mom controls my economy due to me suffering from dyscalculia. I can sort of get why she does but she will have to realize that in the future, I will have to be able to take care of my finances all on my own somehow and I can only do that by learning, trying and failing until I get it right. And this applies to almost every other aspect in my life that she controls, afraid that I might fail if she lets me free completely, but like I said, how can I grow and mature as a person if I don't get to try things in life, be it by succeeding or failing, no matter what the task may be? I feel as if my life is coming to a hault, it's become stagnant and every day is repeating itself over and over with the same habits. It's as if my parents feel that this is what they're used to, they're afraid of change and in denial that their son isn't a 16 year old kid anymore but an actual grown man with needs and dreams about life. I think if they let me go, they'd be surprised to see what I could be able to do and that I'd be just fine on my own, despite my difficulties with math and complex numbers. I love music, singing and songwriting and those things have always been an outlet for me, an escape from the stagnant everyday life I live. I know they just want my best but sometimes parents don't necessarily know their own children's best, even if they seem to think "this is the way to do things and we know better than you because we're your parents and we're older than you". "Older" doesn't necessarily mean "smarter". They don't think outside the box or in long terms, as far as my life goes. I study linguistics at the university, I've taken many semesters over due to failing exams, I have passed some exams but mostly failed. I do not integrate well socially at school, I'm shy and I have almost no friends but my parents insist that I continue my studies, it's as if they live vicariously through me because of their own academic shortcomings. There are times I wanna study and find the classes interesting but for the most part, I realize that I've bitten over more than I can chew and that it's too much and too overwhelming for me. I dream about moving out completely, getting my own house/apartment (I have an apartment in the basement one floor down from mom and dad where I have all the necessities for now but I still can't decide on my own dinner, I have to join my parents for dinner everyday and they decide the meal for the day), I dream of dating someone, getting married and have kids but how can I even bring a girl home, realizing she will think it's odd that a 32 year old still lives with his parents? That qualifies as a real turn-off, if you ask me. So I'm single...since forever...

Sorry for writing a novel lol but your comment really struck a chord with me and I can absolutely relate to your situation, given our closeness in age and living with controlling parents. I know it's still early in 2014 and I hope my life will change somehow this year or in the near future at least but I still can't help feeling locked the way things are now.

I'm 24 living at home with my mom. I have been with my fiance for 5 years he was living with me at my parents. My mom said he cheated on me and now we can see and talk to each other, but I cannot stay anywhere with him because she says we can only be friends so I kind of know what its like I don't know what to do because he says that if I cant get away from my parents then he wont be with me can someone help me out what do I do?

hi im 25 years old living also with my mom. i also have boyfriend for 5 years. its the same situation but my boyfirend dint cheat on me.

Thank god that I am not the only one, who's going through this. I'm 40 and living at home with a controlling mother. I graduated college a 3 years ago, and I've been trying to find a job in the field I studied for(administration). Those jobs are very far and few between(at least here in this area). Been trying desperately to find work, anywhere, but can't because I have to stay home a take care of my 85 year old grandfather. I have a few friends, but I am currently in a relationship with a wonderful and caring guy, but its a long distance one(he lives 2 hours away). The only time I get to see him is when he has days off from his job. On the days he has to work, we talk to each other on the phone when-ever possible(3x a day). My mom has no problems having him coming down here to stay when he does, but when I want to go see him, my mom read me the riot act before I go or when I come back. I have my own car btw. My mom puts me down all the time. She blames all my problems on my partner. I even have to ask my mom for permission to go out, even to see my partner(even ask her if I can go out to dinner or a movie when he comes down to see me!!) She's saying that I need a life too. How am I supposed to find work when I have to stay home to take care of my grandfather, even though my younger sister is home(shes living at home too). My mom doesn't control her life, but mine. My partner is so upset and angry because of my mom's behavior toward me. I agree with some posts is that you need move out as soon as possible, whenever possible to get away from the situation; in my case I have to wait til next spring to move out, to where my partner lives. He lives with his mom too, but she's a sweetheart and lets him do whatever he pleases. He wants me to live with him too, but not til she gets a bigger place(hence when I said next spring). In the meantime I'll have to continue looking for work and make the best out of this situation for now.

Hi, I'm very sorry to hear it, the same happen to me, is very hard because I lose any friend I never can go out and meet them and if any come to my home they have to be at living room with my mom over, I was not allowed to visit anyone, I always been bright at school, by the time I was at university and I had group work my mom and that always thought it was a excuse to go out so people start to think I don't want to meet for home works, they also don't want people coming to my home so I have to do the work of everyone a lot of times because I can't have groups. People been very rude at me and stop talking to me, this make me fell very bad, the another students was going to parties, cinema, and having a normal life when I have to go strait to home.

I'm 31 now and I really miss that part of my life that I fell was stolen by my parents.
Now I only have one friend a girl with similar parents. I will love to go out now I did couple weeks ago and guess what everyone was much younger that me , I felt like out of place.
I really don't know what to do.

That's nothing I'm 52 and my mom forbids me to have money. I asked her what she thought I should had I money and she got all upset. Now after a life time of trying to please my mom I found she doesn't want me to have any kind of happiness at all. I don't understand this and am curios as to why this going on while she says she loves me. But and in truth she tries her hardest to sabotage everything I try to do that is good or fulfilling to me I don't know why I'm still trying to please her.

Hi strawberry pocky,
Sounds like my mother. Same thing with control. My father died and she became only attached to me.
She's 55 and on SSI and now is financially dependent on me as well. I'm so stuck and trapped and trying to move out, got a place and going to pay bills there but she don't know that yet. Idk im overwhelmed just like u.
If u still check this site, we should switch email addys and help each other out.

Take care,
Heather

I'm 27 years old , I live far away from my mom

My teenage was a nightmare , I couldn't do anything , couldn't go out , meet friends , have a social life, boyfriend etc ...

I thought it would me solved when I move out , but it didn't ...

She still control me , and I'm having so much stress because I don't have a life , I'm so unhappy ..

She calls me all the time , she want to know what time I'm home , what time I'm going to sleep, what I'm doing , she wants to know everything ...

How can I start a relationship with somebody if I'm not free ? I feel so insecure and I don't have power to face her ...

I think I never get close to anybody because I'm too aftaid of the reaction of my mother about me giving attention to somebody else , she would made me feel guilt and selfish ..

And I just don't know how to tell her without hurting that she needs to let me go , and I need to make my life ..I love her , and she is toxic for me, still I care and don't want to cut off her of my life

She lives alone , divorce and I understand she feels lonely , and I don't want she feels unloved and depressed ...plus she have problem with alcohol ....

That's complicate ,

Dude, I\'m the same exact way. My Mom got involved with my relationship with my first love, controlled me, read all my emails between me and her. It\'s like she wanted to have sex with me, like she was jealous. I ******* hate her so much. She contributes nothing good to my life, she attributes to my lonliness. She is a burden and I would be so much happier if she was dead. I\'m so embarrassed by my parents, they are alcoholic and hard to deal with and live with. Everything is negative that comes out there mouth, I\'ve spent my whole ******* life trying to get approved by them. Trying to feel validated. Everybody sides with them! Nobody understands me, or what I\'m going through. They drive nice *** fancy cars, I\'m so plagued by alcoholism and anxiety that\'s it\'s so hard for me to drive. They don\'t have to deal with any of this, and still they kick me out of the house. I\'ve slept on the streets, in a tool shed, all because of what\'s happened to me. They are such ****** up people I wish I could ******* kill them. They don\'t mean **** to me.

Hey, people, you basically have two choices- either sit back/live with your parents and complain about how bad it is, or move the hell out and stand your ground. Even if you do not have money or a job. If that is not what is preventing you, then it can be harder. My mother is a control freak. I am 24, and recently was "forced" to live with my parents because I did not have a job and could not afford an apartement. I still do not have a full time job, and now I don't have a place to live, but hell even if I have to stay at a homeless shelter, it will be better than dealing with her insanity. She would do stuff like break into my room in the middle of the night and yell that I did not vacuum the floor for a long enough time, WTF? She is very manipulative, but NOT ANYMORE. Yesterday I left and while my future is uncertain, I feel so much more freedom already. I gave my parents back their car which they claimed was a "gift" for me and my son, yet they made up all those rules about me using it (no bumper stickers, no certain people in the car, etc) . My mother would also complain that she had to babysit my son (yep, just like one person posted below, "Am I being paid for this"?) , YET when he was taken away, she would moan about how I am not letting her be a grandmother, etc. She contradicts herself constantly. So anyways, I just got fed up with her, so I left.

I'm 34 and my mom likes to control/manipulate when or how often she can babysit her own grandchildren... she says wierd things to me like I need to find a different babysitter, or how often I can work cause of her busy schedule. She says wierd remarks to family like I don't get paid to watch the kids. You aren't alone, I'm becoming more aware of the wierd comments though

I'm 22, married with a baby and my step- mom tries controlling my life! She follows all my online things, guilt trips me if I say anything that isn't praising her, and keeps trying to get me on gov't assistance even though my husband is in the Army. She even told him if he moves abroad, me and the baby HAVE to stay with her, because I "don't know what I'm doing." I've tried explaining that I'm an adult and not in the nest anymore, but she doesn't understand. You may just need to work on getting out of there as soon as you can and let her see you're an adult. Best of luck.

IM 22 i'll be 23 in may and I still live with my mom and her boyfriend my mom is 40 and will be 41 in april her boy friend is 26 and we can't stand each other they do things very disrespectful and don't respect me what so ever I hate it here I have to ask my mom promotion to go spend time with family I have no friends or boyfriend she always puts me down and betters herself my father past away when I was a baby I have a job and no license or car i'm so,tired of it she beats me up when she drinks her boyfriend always expects me to clean up after him he is such a loser and they plan on getting M, they make me sick!!!!!!

THANK YOU FOR THIS! Exactly what I needed to hear, someone who goes through the same. At least the 1st step is we acnkowledge that there is a problem.

Well, I'm, just about 3 years older than you, and I have the same issue, aside from a few different minor details. For example, I do have a job and a license. She basically cons me out of my own money, and I can't drive HER car, and having no money prevents me from buying my own. She only even let me get my license, so I could go into places for her and let's say get her lottery tickets or cigarettes, so she didn't have to go in.

I can't get away from all this

I know my mom is the same way except I have kids

you should try and talk to her about these concerns that you have you also have to explain that you are no longer a child.
some parents actually think that they are doing it for our own good but they do not realise that they are doing more harm than good and for some reason they dont realise.
see my mother is controlling and she likes to have both of her boys close but we cant fall into her cycle like im going through a divore and shes almost forcing me at satying at her house where i have to sleep on the couch but sorry i am a grown man i have a house i rent and i like my independence and when i try to explain it to her she gets all frustrated and pissed off and then tries to make me feel guilty but i dont instead i simply explain to her that i am not her 5 year old anymore i can make choices of my own and if these choices get me in **** well the best way to learn a lesson is by learning from your mistakes and not compensating theirs.
yes it may get hard but theres a point in life where you just have to take a stand and have your parents realise they may want to protect us but their not they are hurting us and making us feel like useless wastes of skin which we obviously are not and that we want to get out there and live a life and experience on our own its not because it didnt work out for them that it wont for us.

@jeremie519: Your strategy would work if the mother were rational and un-NPD. I am middle-aged, and was raised with the same type of mother. From what all I have read about this mothering style, few of them listen to reason and respect their childrens' requests to be treated as the adult they are. Grown kids still want their parents involvement and concern, but also want to be respected as having enough of a brain to make their own decisions about their own lives, as you suggest the author should point out to his mom. Some moms, like ours, have gone haywire, and they continue to infantilize, insist that we need mommies help/money/decisions even if we draw boundaries, request/insist that she stop doing so, etc. People who haven't lived it will blame the victim and say that we "allow" our moms to bulldoze us, or say that we haven't got the confidence to break away. (Pfft) The reality is: you can move away and distance yourself from your mom, and she is likely to take it poorly, OR you can choose your battles. Best of luck.

Honestly, rebel. That's the best advice I can give. stand your ground. Don't tell your parents where you are going, you are adults and can either do what your parents want to keep the peace, or you can fight and be happy. I don't have the same exact problem as most of you do. My mother lives across the street from me, but I am married with a child and its a constant battle with her. She screwed her life up and now that she moved close to me she uses me for a car, laundry, pretty much whatever she wants and is dragging me and my family down financially. Misery loves company. I just cut her off today literally hours ago. Locked my gate, made her return my key (basically put my foot down). I am terrified of course because she is the black cloud when she is upset and everyone hears about it. Sometimes you have to hurt the ones you love or go the tough route in order to get the point across that they do not own you. In fact, why don't you remind them that you're the one who chooses their nursing home. ( I hope I didn't offend anyone with this post whether it was grammatical or just the whole picture. I just wanted to offer my perspective on the situation and hope this helps in some way.)

Im so sorry, I have the same issues as well but they do let me drive

you are dependent on your mother. The fact that you have gotten this far into adulthood and are still controlled by your mom indicates that this has gone from a cute-sy family dynamic into the realm of a psychologically, neurotic, co-dependent relationship. If you don't believe me, watch the movie "Black Swan." You sound just like the girl in that film; totally driven to the point of breaking because her mom controls her career, her choices, her life.

You need to suck it up, move your stuff and leave. This will only get worse and you will find yourself an old maid/bachelor living at home nursing his/her vituperative mother all alone.