My Parents Control Really Turned Me Into A Insecure Woman

I grew up with what you would call loving parents. I was an only child, so they mostly spoiled me by buying me anything that I wanted. They also made sure I got what I needed and took care of me when I was sick. We also shared laughs and had fun.

This is where it gets confusing. While they were good to me and every need was met, they were also pretty mean to me as well. For example, when I was a teenager, we went to the lake and my dad was kneeboarding behind the boat. It was pretty much my mom's first time driving a boat and she was nervous and she can be neurotic when she's this way. I had never watched anyone behind a boat before and that was my first time. My dad is behind the boat giving a "thumbs-down" signal, meaning to slow down. I didn't know what it meant, so I didn't tell my mom and my dad fell off the boat. My dad yells at me and tells me that I almost killed him and that I lack common sense and goes "duh" at me. I felt so bad and felt like I was an inch tall. Also, we had to leave because of the rain and my mother was a ***** the entire weekend and yelled at me for everything and called me stupid. So I am nearly 30 years old, and I call myself stupid for everything.

Also, I was diagnosed with autism as a young child and I had a hard time making friends. I also suffered from self-esteem issues due to my parents. They always told me my hair looked really bad and they wouldn't help me fix it. They told me that I needed a makeover and that I was chubby. Due to this, I had a brief bout of anorexia. I was also called a snob for not being able to make friends because of my autism and my shyness. To this day, it is hard for me to have any self esteem.

My parents discouraged me to move out to go to college. Instead, they convinced me to live at home and go to a nearby college. I wanted to move out a couple of times, but they wouldn't let me. When I tried to, they guilt tripped me into staying and saying that I didn't appreciate what they have done for me. I finally got to move out when I was 25 with my fiance because I was simply sick of their crap and their constant fighting. They would hardly ever let me cry around them. When they would fight around me, i would start to cry and they threatened me with a spanking. They violated my privacy and they barged in my room as they pleased without knocking, EVEN when I was undressing. They also thought I was looking at ****, so they regularly barged in and checked my computer and they accused me of doing so when I didn't want them to see what I was doing on the computer. When I tried to explain that I wasn't, they called me a liar. This was all when I was over 18 and in college.

My mom would also have her outbursts and she took her moods on me. We used to have dial-up internet and I was online talking to my boyfriend because calling him was too expensive. She came in my room and screamed at me and told me that I was very inconsiderate and she was pissed that I took up all of her phone time. The thing is, she never came into my room and asked me to get offline so she can talk to someone. I tried to explain things to her and she goes "I DIDN'T ASK YOU TO SPEAK!" My opinions were never valued and she never wanted to hear me out.

I am out of the house now and my parents still use ways to control me. If I don't come to visit them, my mom claims that I don't care about her anymore. My mom calls me 5 times a day to check up on me.My mom will get my dad to manipulate me and make me feel awful to do what they want me to do. I feel like I am still a little girl. My privacy is always invaded. She always has to throw her two cents into things. She always criticizes my fiance's weight and calls him lazy. But all that she does is sit around and play on her Facebook all day.

I am ready to cut them off and not see them again. It is a good thing that I never see them or I would be crazy. I am currently considering counseling and reading the book "Toxic Parents". My parents became they way they are with their parents and I feel like it's my responsibility to break the cycle. I am confused as to whether they abused me or not because we have had some nice moments. 

capricorndreamgirl99 capricorndreamgirl99
26-30, F
1 Response May 5, 2012

I can understand where you're coming from. There is a book that I read called, 'If You Had Controlling Parents'. It really helped me to understand the situation better. I think what you're experiencing...besides the totalitarian rule, is the need to individuate yourself. I didn't have contact with my mother for six months. Many people handle this in different ways. Some express how the control is too much to their parents and try to work it out that way. Some, like yourself, want nothing to do with them. I had gotten to the point of not wanting to have contact for a time being. I had expressed myself in a very nice and civil way but there wasn't any change. As you can surmise, with the controlling parent, there are heavy penalties for that type of ex<x>pression towards them. They view it as a direct assault by a subordinate. I wish you the best of luck, it sounds like you're very aware of the shituation. If I may say from my experience with this, realizing you're an adult with your own absolutely deserve to live it the way you've sc<x>ripted it, not someone else, because then you're just an actor in their drama. Best of luck to you.