I'm 18, and my mom has always controlled my life. Every time I was relaxing at home, she would always urge me to do my homework. But instead of nagging, she made it seem like it was a big plan for the day or weekend: "Now you just have to make sure that you do the dishes and your homework, and everything will be fine."

I would always tell her that it was my life, but her memory is so awful that she would never seem to listen. And it went on like this, every day of my life.

I should probably mention a few things: one, I have crippling anxiety/OCD. Not the "count three times" type of OC, more of the "if you move my books out of their normal spot I literally lose the ability to function" type. Two, my father is emotionally abusive. My parents are divorced because of this, but I don't see him, so I don't focus on that much. And three, I haven't gotten a hug from her in 11 years.

Getting anxiety attacks is the worst thing- not just because it feels awful, but because I get no support at home. My mother once decided to put away all of my laundry. If I were anyone else I would consider it a kind favor, but she organized my entire wardrobe differently than I do, and I spent 3 hours on my bed sobbing, unable to think or even move. And again I told her (through shortened breath) that I NEEDED my wardrobe to be organized my way, and "PLEASE. DONT. EVER. TOUCH. (sharp breath) MY. SYSTEM." I was messing with my hair, hugging my pillow, thinking the world was over. Her response? "Stop."

Even thinking about it tears me up. Hearing that made me lose the ability to speak, and that was even worse than the original reaction. I had similar experiences like that in the past few years, from (my own) birthdays to school life. When I was feeling brave I would tell her that a lot of her actions (trying to control my every move, using guilt to try and keep me home from college, etc) could be considered abuse. Knowing my father's power of hurt, she would always brush it off as an afterthought. I honestly thought it would all change when I went to college. I was wrong.

Her first argument was on the drive up, when she insisted that i call every day. I said I wouldn't, and it was my life. She yelled. When I had put everything into my dorm room, I ushered her out, only to have her yell at me for being so rude. It's in my "conditioning" that I started to cry, and she insisted that it was because I was "scared for college." I wasn't. I wanted the freedom of college more than anything.

Now here I am, one week later. The school forced me to change dorm rooms after settling in for a few days, and (in a brief call) my mother gave me no support, insisting that the school had its rights and when should she come up to help with the move? She also never acknowledged my roommate's efforts to contact Res Life and protest, just "Maybe we could go out for lunch afterwards?"

On my first Saturday night, I hung out with some new friends and we played some classic late-night games: truth or dare, would you rather, and even spin the bottle. Most people chose to be kissed on the cheek, but one guy I landed on opted to make out with me (which, for a semi-sheltered) super-virgin, is absolutely amazing. In her most recent phone call, my mother coaxed me into revealing such private information. What was her comment? "Was he in a relationship?"

And I like my classes, but I took the liberty of complaining of one professor, and her response was "As long as you get good grades in his class and get a job, you'll be fine. No sex."

I called her out on it for the last time. She told me she knew it was my life. Bullshit.
She's never told me she was proud of me, cooked a meal herself since I learned to make toast in 1st grade, and never given me the support I want or need. But she's complex, and because of that, I haven't found a way to break free. I'm an adult, and my mother controls my life.
graduallyventuring graduallyventuring
22-25, F
1 Response Sep 1, 2014

Tell her you need and want help so that you can at least get to see somebody once a week who will listen and understand you and be there for you and she can pay up and smile, or not. :)