Frustration And Pain...

It has been 5 months since I was diagnosed with Conversion Disorder. My daily episodes have gotten worse. Not only am I now experiencing the loss of my right side but new symptoms have appeared. I can no longer speak at all during episodes and I am forced to communicate with had signals and a notepad. I also have been finding it hard to breathe ..Its like no matter how hard I try i can not catch my breath. This disorder is withering me away piece by piece. I feel as though I am a prisoner inside my own body and that  I have no control over my body. My boyfriend gets so scared during each one of my episodes and I feel guilty because it is putting so much stress on him as well. I am no longer an Independent woman . I need help opening pills, getting dressed, showering, drinking. water, situating myself . I am only 28 years old and yet I feel like I am 80 years old sometimes. My mind is always spinning with different thoughts of how I can make this better. I feel like I am now a bother to my loved ones and friends because they are always wondering about me and if  I am going to be okay. When I venture out to friends house I feel so weird now because I don't want to be the center of everyone's attention and I cannot control when my episodes come on. This disorder has taken away so much in my life yet somehow i continue to have faith that things will work out. I try and stay positive and strong most the time but yet I have my weak moments where I just feel like my life has hit its peak. I have two young boys and I am unable to take care of them on my own because of my episodes. I am going today to visit my children at their father's house and just the stress of knowing I have to be at my ex-husbands house has caused me to have 2 episodes today before 2pm. I know there are other people out there that battle the same issues that I do. I know that there are people that have things worse then I do . But this disorder has taken away my ability to work and with all my medications i am left with limited funds to live on. It is 2 weeks from Christmas and the stress of not being able to provide my kids with a wonderful Christmas is wearing on me because the way I feel is I don't know how many Christmas's I have left. I would really enjoy to hear anybody's comments on this . I could really use a support system that understands during this time