The Train

               I live in a small town population 300 or something close to that anyways. There are 3 different sets of railroad tracks that go through our town and the trains always pass through going 80+ miles an hour or at least is seems like it. This past Sunday I decided to go for a little walk to clear my head . Normally I wouldn't dare venture out by myself because of my episodes but that day it was different. I felt suffocated by the air I was breathing and the thoughts going through my head were beginning to be to much to bare. So I walked the two blocks to the center of town and found a seat on a step outside the old abandoned bank . Do any of you all remember those moments in movies where cars are zooming by and everything seems likes it fast forward around you. That was the feeling I was having that day. I sat on that step as I have many times before and watched life happen all around me. I watched as dad helped his little girl ride a bike. I watched as the little old lady on the corner tended to her tulips. I watched the many cars zooming around me wondering why they were in such a hurry. The trains came through about every 20 minutes or so and it felt like a wave of rushing wind would explode through the town as each rail car passed by. The noise from the trains would envelope the town and you wouldn't be able to hear a scream.  As I sat on that step I began to feel more and more alone in this world. I felt like I was disappearing and had been for quite some time. I was feeling the range of emotions that only a suicidal person feels. I began to think of my children and how I just wanted to hold them one more time. Like that one last time would be enough to make it ok for what I was contemplating doing. I began to think of my boyfriend who had taken off that morning to do something with his friends. I was trying to rationalize every aspect of my life and why what I was thinking was my only option. As I sat on that step and thought all these horrible thoughts a moment of rage came over me and I began to cry. I was angry that I had let myself get to this point . I stood up from that step and began to walk towards the tracks . My whole existence flashing through my brain and everything had brought me to this moment. I could hear the train in the distance and I knew if I was going to do this it had to be now. I placed one foot on the tracks and as I was about to place the other a moment of clarity consumed me. It felt as if god himself reached down from the heavens and stopped me. I dropped to my knees and began to cry. I sobbed for at least an hour with people walking by wondering why this crazy lady is crying by the tracks. I texted my boyfriend and he rushed to meet me. Once he got there I explained to him the story I just explained to you and I told him that if he felt the need I would be  more then willing to admit myself to get checked out . I thought he would respond with anger but he responded with compassion. He told me he could not imagine the agony I face daily and that I put on such a strong face that he had not noticed the severity of my emotions and concerns. He made me realize that he does truly whole heartedly   love me and that I can voice my feelings to him so that I might never feel like this again. I have been  battling with severe peaks and valleys of depression since I was a small child but I have never got to the point of that day with the train. I am so thankful for that moment of clarity , I sincerely felt as though something went through me like a big burst of breath that helped me breathe the biggest breathe I ever have. Whether it was god or just my heart pushing me back. I am here today for a reason and I plan to find out what that reason is. My life is a big ball of mystery but I lost my faith and I found it that day on the tracks..It jumped up and bit me in the ***...So have faith people...No matter what problems or battle or hurdle you all are facing...HAVE FAITH
cookietiff2009 cookietiff2009
26-30, F
May 15, 2012