I Have Been In Hell.

It is already 5 years ago I left my abusive husband after a marriage of 20 years. I did have my periods of depression in the past five years but it never came to flashbacks before. It totally overtook me. It came with guilt, shame, self-hatred and unbearable pain. I couldn't eat, sleep, cry nor work (well). I became impulsive, suicidal and ended up in self harm to relief the pain. I had self destructive nightmares. I have been in hell.

Once I felt better I reached out for professional help. Until then I just survived by reaching out to a safe and far away friend I was emailing with for already many years. I lost him because of that. I do have c-ptsd but didn't find a treatment so far. The seven-strong practice in my town is not able to do it. It will not be easy to find treatment anyway because the health assurances in my country don't see it as a mental illness but as an injury. The abuser has to pay (or the employer in case it is job related). I did get a phone number I can call if it does come to the point I have to be hospitalized. Then my health insurance will pay for it but I really do not want to be there. I also got the advise to talk about it as much as possible.

I did try to take it as learning time. That did help, I am sure. There was so much in my past I never understood before. Now I do and I am for sure thankful for that. I am doing much better but still am very vulnerable. I easily go back in the self destructive mood that seemingly comes with it. And that is frightening.

Biggest problem is I can not talk about it in my own circle. They have no idea and I really need to keep it like that. The angry ex husband is still around too and I just know too much.

So, I thought, lets pour it out all here. At this point I am not much able to listen to others. It so easily triggers my c-ptsd again. However, I hope that soon will change!
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1 Response Jan 21, 2013

I also left a 15 year abusive relationship. From physical violence, to emotional and psychological torment. It's not easy to heal especially when it goes on for so long, but it is possible. I've been working with a therapist, and she recommended an amazing book called Getting Past Your Past. It talks about flashbacks and has some great techniques to help get through the triggers and symptoms. You might want to give it a shot. Its not something that gets fixed over night, but with time, you will get better. It just sucks that your ex is still around. I had to cut him off completley, and that included all our friends. Good luck and stay strong.