I Don't Know What Compelled Me To Post...

... I guess I needed to vent and have nobody to vent to. So today, I cried myself to sleep again. It's been months since this last happened. I've been stressed out lately and I guess what triggered it this time is my father. Last night, I did something stupid, of course my father wasn't very pleased at it to put it mildly. I can see it in his face again, I've seen it before. His face says "My son is a big disappointment." And before to bed today, I reflected at my life. In my nearly 28 years of existence, I asked myself: "What have I done? What have I accomplished?". The answer I always come up with everytime I ask myself is "Nothing". I've got no life, no friend(s), never been in a relationship, stuck in a job that wont even pay the rent, never left home, never had good relationship with both of my parents and the only woman I've ever opened up to and have feelings for is already spoken for. I'm another product of a broken and dysfunctional family. I've asked myself "What good am I for?" I just feel so worthless and useless. I've been trying to put a sense of direction in my life these past few months. I thought I had something good going and for once. I thought that maybe now I can find a purpose and set a direction in my life. But it wasn't that good at all. That got me down and other little things snowballed and with my father expressing his disappointment in me was the straw that broke the camel's back. Everytime I try to move forward, I stumble and fall back to where I started. I think this is probably the most depressed I've been in my life. Maybe I was destined to be a lifetime loser. I know people always say that the sun will rise again and there is always tomorrow. What if the sun will never rise again for me? What if I don't have another day? I feel like I'm almost at that point. I'm sorry if this rambling post didn't make any sense. I have to occassionally stop as I was typing and trying to fight the welling of tears in my eyes.
thenothingman thenothingman
26-30, M
2 Responses Aug 5, 2010

I haven't lived enough life yet to truly understand what you're trying to convey through this post, but I certainly know what it's like to look in the mirror and wonder how you fell so far. D's in most of my classes at Texas State during the first semester, abusing my ADHD and dropping 20 lbs without a clue as to what I was doing, being called the laughingstock of the family by my own parents. Hell, the only thing that knocked me to my senses before I continued to waste away was a bad acid trip. Now I'm back on track, I improved my grades last semester, I don't overuse my meds, I'm still struggling to gain that weight back, but hopefully I'll get there eventually. I guess what I'm saying is those few months were the absolute lowest I've ever been in my life. If it weren't for my friend, mike, who stayed with me while I was coming down from that horrible, eye-opening acid trip, I probably would've ended up locked up in a mental institution. Oh, also, I had taken 5 tabs of 25-I (a more dangerous psychedelic than acid) which I could've easily overdosed on at my weight of under 110. But yeah, it took work, but eventually, I got out of that horrible place I was in and life is looking good. So, I don't know, man, if I was able to escape that place, maybe you will too. Anyways, I'll shut up now. Wish you best of luck, man.

we live life for God as He needs us to. not what we want for ourselves. count how many times you used the word "I" in this paragraph alone. stop living life for yourself and live every moment with and for God. if we have our way it will always end in disaster. but His way will be filled with his miracles. your life is easy for Him to fix. through prayer and spiritual growth you will find peace within.