I Cant Live With Myself Any Longer

My mom just forced me into getting an abortion. I know im too young but there are other alternatives now to where i shouldnt have to kill my baby. Ive lost total control of my life. Ive lost focus. I have lost civilization. I cry every day randomly when i think about what that childs life...my childs life could have been. All my mom wanted was to keep her fake perfect mother image to her family...noone knows the side that i see daily. Shes a *****. She takes my money...money she takes from me being in her care alone. She doent even care for me. she'd get the money and the next week, no food. No matter what i do all i can think about is that day in the abortion clinic with at least thirty other girls with their mothers and i was sitting alone. I am alone. My mother has it to where she says i cant see any of my friends. Im at a new school now so i barely know anyone. the people i do know are not who i want to be with. I miss my best friend and people i actually like. Im lost and alone and shes punishing me more and more as if me giving up a life for her wasnt enough. i feel so ****** and i dont know where to go and who to talk to. The guy i was in love with helped me with all my problems but now he went into the airforce. My mom and sister keeps saying its my fault and blaming me and making me feel guilty... he was the only person that knew and never changed the way they looked at me. im so sad. i have to take sleeping pills to sleep at night but during the day all i can do is sleep. i cant keep on like this. im thinking of leaving on my birthday november 25th when i turn seventeen. im a smart girl and i know that this is a dumb idea but i dont know what else to do. i just feel like im being choked by the thoughts and dreams about my baby. everytime i dream its about a little girl that called me mom and told me shes happy. i just want all of it to be over.