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Tonight Is Just Another One Of Those Nights

I've cried myself to sleep several times just within the last several weeks. Ever since my best friend has stopped coming to school, I've been really emotional all the time and I cry a lot. She is my best friend in the entire world and we've been friends for going on 5 years now. I seriously can't live without her and my greatest fear in life is losing her and being alone. So now that she's been gone since November 26, I've basically been totally alone and it hurts more than I can begin to express. That's why oftentimes, the only thing I can do is cry.

About 2-3 weeks ago, I was texting her about school what she's doing as far as school goes. She had already missed nearly a month of school at that point. She said she was pretty behind and couldn't keep up and just wasn't able to do the work. See, the reason she stopped coming to school was because she got extremely depressed and basically snapped. So she couldn't do much of anything and that's why she was at home all the time. After about a month of being gone, I was slowly starting to worry that she wasn't going to come back. So that's why I asked her what she was going to do with school and she told me just in a brief sentence, as more of a thought, that she might do school online. I know it hadn't been decided on at that point, but I felt like that's what was going to happen for sure when she told me that. I tried to keep it together until the night when I could cry without my family around. But honestly, as soon as I read that text I nearly broke down. That was the first point where I realized that I very well could lose her. I sat up that night for two and a half hours just completely crying. I was thinking about the rest of my school year without her and I just couldn't even handle that thought. I got to a point where I couldn't even cry anymore and then I sat in my bed completely numb. No more thoughts, no emotions, I was just numb. I didn't fall asleep that night until about 4:00am and I had to wake up for school the next day at 6:30am. So yeah, that was a very rough night.

Now tonight I've already been crying for about an hour and as I get closer to actually trying to fall asleep, I'll probably cry some more. Right now I'm on here and listening to music to help keep me from crying again. I texted my friend earlier today and I asked her about what she was going to do with school. I asked her if she was going to come back next week, since next week is when school starts up again. She said "probably not." I asked her if she was going to come back at all this year. She said "I don't think so." Basically, that means a no and a no. She said she is starting online school on Monday. As soon as I read that I actually did start crying and I couldn't even hold it back. I was in the kitchen with my family and we had a guest over, so I quickly wiped my eyes and held the rest inside. I totally lost it though as soon as I read that, but I managed to stay pretty collected on the outside. Now tonight, as soon as my family went to sleep, I just sat and cried. The thoughts just hit me about what it really means now for me to be alone and to never be with her at school anymore. It's a reality now, she's not coming back.

Now I know she's not coming back. Now I really have lost her. Now the rest of my school year I have to do on my own. I'll never have another class with her. I'll never walk down the hallways with her. I'll never joke around with her. I'll never help her with homework. I'll never eat lunch with her. I'll never stay after school with her. Never again. It's all gone. I just can't believe that. I still don't think the whole situation has hit me yet. I still don't think I can really grasp going the whole rest of my junior year without her. We've been together for 5 years, we've had classes together for 5 years, we've always been together. I have no idea what to think now that we'll be apart for nearly an entire school year. We were together for the first quarter, and now she's leaving for the other 3 quarters. We're best friends, we're supposed to stick together forever. What happened? Why is this happening? What went wrong? Why can't I help her? Why can't I bring her back?

I think what's really hard for me is that now the rest of my school year will be just like those almost 4 weeks before Christmas break, only worse because now I know for sure that I'll never see her walk through the doors again. Ever since the first week she's been gone, I've been having a miserable time at school, and it only got worse as time went on. Well what about now? Time will go on now for months and months and I'll be in the same misery. If anything it'll be worse. She was the only reason that I still woke up and went to school on most mornings. She was the only reason why I held on and tried to do a little bit of schoolwork. She was the only reason why I didn't do anything stupid when I was feeling really low. She was the only source of motivation I had left and that was only because I thought for sure she would come back and then my waiting and holding on would all have been worth it. But now I guess it wasn't worth it.

I don't know if I'll be happy again. Seriously, I don't know if I can do this. I probably sound completely stupid to most people, but I've never been so heartbroken before. I'm going to cry all the time now. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if I cry at least once next week when I go back to school. I can't live without her. She's everything to me. I need her. And now I can't have her again. I don't even know what's going to happen next year because that's so far out. All I know is that right now, she's not okay and she's left me alone, I'm not okay and I'm totally alone, and I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm actually crying while writing this now. I wish this wasn't happening. This is seriously my worst nightmare and I can't seem to just wake up or snap out of it, because it's real life. I'm living with my worst fear and I'm just a total wreck. I wish things would be okay again and she would come back. I need her.
skyhook2612 skyhook2612 18-21, F 3 Responses Jan 6, 2013

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This actually made me cry. It takes a lot to make me cry. I know how it is to have a best friend who is basically your other half & then have them taken from your life without a moments notice and you don't even get a say in the matter. Trust me I've been there & I know how insanely awful it is but trust me when I say that it does get better sweetheart & you wrote this a few months ago so I'm really hoping it already has, at least a little bit. I'm here if you ever want to talk or anything. Best wishes xo

Thanks, I really do appreciate it<3 At least you know what this feels like, because most of the time I feel like I'm the only one. It's horrible having your other half suddenly leave without warning, without goodbye, and you know that there's nothing you can do to bring them back even though the one thing you really want is for them to come back. Yeah I guess it has gotten better a little bit. She still isn't coming back and probably won't come back next year either. We used to not talk much and then we started talking again and now we don't really talk anymore. We don't hang out at all and I haven't seen her in a few months. I still miss her and I'd do anything to have her come back and just spend time with her again. But, I guess the only improvement so far is that it doesn't hurt as much. I'm not crying all the time and thinking about her every minute of every day like I was. So it's just not as difficult now to be without her as it used to be, although I still don't like living like this and I just want her to come back.

If you ever want to talk, I am here for you. <3

I hope things get better. I really do