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The Bed In Which I Cry

Laying in my bed at night....I think to myself how large it is. It's too big for me now. It's a king size bed. I remember when we bought it. I smile at the memory. Our three little ones all crammed in one double bed with him and I. He ended up in the livingroom on the couch. I felt so bad. We built a sign in exchange for a kingsize bed after that. Large enough for three little ones afraid of a storm.

Now it's too big. The little ones don't need it anymore....I don't need it anymore. So I lay here in this giant bed and think to myself, "It's time to get a new one. A smaller one."

I remember picking out the bed. I remember sleeping in this bed with you. I think how it's too big for me now and I cry. Why? What size bed should I buy? A single? Even a double would be too big. A single.... is too sad. So I cry sometimes with this thought in my mind. I can't seem to part with my bed... it holds so many memories....good and sad...none are bad. My happiest memories are of the two of us talking and sharing the sadest are the ones.....the one where you started dying and the other when I and the little ones lay there holding each other crying.... I miss you my dear....

theredlady theredlady 41-45, F 20 Responses Nov 23, 2009

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Thank you for your comment. So much has changed since i wrote this. I don't have the bed anymore, I gave it away. I traded it for a new life. Once upon a time I thought I would be alone the rest of my life, but things change. They always do.

i would keep the bed because you have history in that big old bed. ones that can never be replaced. im sorry for your lost. i dont know what your going threw but ti do know how it feels to lose someone that you love.

Yeah, it is.... everytime I think about it....... its just not going to happen right now. I sleep on his side now.I've still got so much of him here......

I didn't NEARLY cry, I used quite a few tissues from that TRL. It's REALLY tough isn't it? I haven't even thought about changing beds or furniture. I want it to stay as long as possible for now.

Aww Em.... I'm speechless.....thank you, it's beautiful! :')

Ahh thank you KingFail. I appreciate your comments.

I'm am glad you liked it. So many times when I write something here, it is my way of ...purging, I guess something inside of me to ease that sense of loss I still feel. Everytime I have to change something in my life that we had done together or bought together, I feel all of that over again, but each time it is a little less because the memories do fade. I feel him in my hearts mind just as you do. Sometimes I just have to let it out.

My heart skipped a beat reading your thread, because I've had to make all those difficult choices too. It's been 15 years sense I lost my wife, and many things have been changed out sense the, sometimes..simply because they were getting old and needed replacing. But with each one, there seems a slight loss...the memories. I suppose its the changing of a chapter in my life, and I know that she would want me to turn the page. So regardless of the material item, the memory still remains, but maybe more distant now. Transition is so hard, and memory does fade concerning all those 'things', whether I like it or not...it just does, but she's still here, in my hearts mind.



Thank you for the post dear friend!!

Thank you T. I do the same. I sleep on his side. I'm glad you understand.... I feel better knowing that.

I think I finally have found that new train of thought Salar. I just have accepted that I will have moments of sadness and hope that by embracing them instead of pushing them away, I will finally find some peace for him and me.

thank you so much for your advice now and in the past.

He is still in your heart and all about you , no need to change the bed RL , just change your thinking ...

Thank you everybody....

Yes, keep the bed and all the memories it holds. It is not too big, but just big enough.

lotsa luv to you!

Keep the bed. Hold onto those memories.

Lucky is right, lots of pillows.

I know you still feel him there.

Hugs & more hugs!

{{{ hug }}} keep the bed ... it's full ... full of memories and wonderful times as well as sad ones ... it's all part of what brings you to where you are today ... good times will come again.

Thanks babe.... Don't know what I'd do without you.

Cherish those memorys...

*hugs you close*

I know Puss....

Keep your bed...keep your memories. Just get lots of pillows...



Love...he never left you...he is still there with you. Just open up and believe.