One Crazy Broad...

I was born with a passionate fire inside me. Unfortunately, both of my parents carried an industrial-sized fire hose. I was raised as a pacifist by a misguided, former brawler in search of a new enlightenment, and a former prom-queen, forever trying to find her previous glory by raising a perfect, un-erring child. So far as they were both concerned, anger, opposition or dissension were ungrateful and unattractive qualities for a perfect, sweet-faced little girl to express. Any outpouring of undesirable sentiment, and a great sermon filled with guilt and shame would be extolled. Subsequently, I developed more than one personality (though not in the Sybil fashion) to deal with the opposing worlds, and they now fight constantly over who gets to drive this bus.

I strongly believe that peace, patience and tolerance are the answers to most problems...in my head. And when I observe those practices, I must admit that I do find a cerebral satisfaction and eventual success. There's no doubt that diplomacy is the strongest tool. But in my heart, I fight a raging demon that constantly wants to gain its way thru force. I mean RAGING. Flashing danger signs, gamma radiation, ripped jeans, RAGING demon. When I see what I believe to be an injustice, I'm moved to irritation, anger, and the desire to correct the problem with swift, righteous vengeance. I don't use my fists (thank you pacifism), but I've hurt many a human with the crushing slam of my words, and burned more than my share of bridges. I've been compared to Samuel Jackson as he recites the bible verse from Ezekiel 25:17 in Pulp Fiction. And it's been said that if words could kill, I'd be a mafia hitman.

But now, I'm a step-parent, and I take my role as the prevalent woman in my children's' lives very seriously. Now I worry constantly about the example I'm setting. I've gone from a sassy, mouthy Julia Sugarbaker to a flustered, floundering Laura Petry. How do you set an example of peace and amity when every fiber of your body tells you to embrace iconoclasm and raise your voice? I want my kids to learn the beauty and power of patient diplomacy, but I also want them to be able to stand up for themselves and others in the face of adversity. I admire so many strong women, I want to honor them as I raise more.

In addition to that madness, the Crohn's Disease I've carried around for 2 decades has progressed to a point that dictates my life choices. I've met what seems to be an insurmountable foe. A hundred-foot-tall, bullet-proof juggernaut that is elusive and shapeless, but capable of doing great damage. I find that when the hulking beast inside me wins out, my body suffers. The anger takes physical form and hurts me, literally. I need to find peace to find healing, but there is a residue from SO MUCH ANGER that has passed thru my soul and psyche, that I can't seem to change my attitude, despite how hard I push and try.

Can a tiger really change her stripes, or just go broke on all the hair dye?
lightninbug lightninbug
31-35, F
Dec 7, 2012