Can Anyone Relate To Me?

Im 26 years old and about 10 months ago I found out I have a tumor in my pituitary gland, also "possible Cushing's disease." I found out I had a tumor because we thought it might be my thyroid causing problems with me because my mother had thyroid cancer. Anyway, I have been waiting to see if the tumor is growing so we can proceed on how to go about on taking out the tumor. I am literally falling apart here. I am an alcoholic but 8 months sober with help from rehab. But I thought all of my anxiety and depression and panic attacks would have stopped by now. I am still very shaky and I can't hold a real job. I am always tired but with anxiety. It is hard to get things done. I have problems with my knees, my upper arms are plump but I'm skin and bone on my lower arms and wrists. I'm chubby in my upper legs but then they get really skinny down to my ankles. My weight goes up and down all the time for no reason. Im 5'0, was almost 140 Lbs 2 months ago and it looked like to other people I was prego. I am now 118Lbs. I have the pudgy face and the donut around my neck. Hair on my chin and chest, I have high anxiety, depression and I'm terrified of passing out sometimes when I'm walking, I get dizzy, I get my periods one every like 2,3 months. I have not been able to have a child with my wonderful man. Blurred vision. I wear glasses, I urinate a lot and maybe 3 days a week I will have feelings of a bladder infection and it comes out negitive every time. I have urinated the bed quite a few times. And this is all happening to me still being 8 months sober. I see a therapist and a psychiatrist who have been helping me cope but I feel like putting me on alsorts of pills but maybe its really my tumor and cushings that I need to get medicated for.... But the last time I went to the doctor they said the tumor was too small to take out at the time. I went to the ER 9 times for pannic attacks. I have never been able to concentrate and school and remembering things have always been a big problem. I do smoke cigerets and have been smoking them more since I have been sober. I am near the point of quiting but Its a hard thing to quit so don't think I'm not :) The thing that really bugs me is that I can't hold a real job. I'm suprised that I just got my first 2 A's ever and I'm back in college taking drug and alcohol counceling. I really need to learn more about my cushings. I need someone to relate to me please. I sometimes have feelings like, if I'm flying, I wouldn't care if it crashes. I am in way saying anything about ending my life but it has gotten that bad because my body just feels supper tense and its just really hard to deal with. I am actually hoping the tumor has grown because I want it out so bad. I know the little tumor I have is damaging me even if the doctors say its to small to be doing anything. Anyway, please, please please tell me if anyone can relate to me. I also twitch a lot and I get thumping in my head a lot too.

Thank you
Jahonor Jahonor
26-30, F
4 Responses Jan 12, 2013

Hey I am 24 and was going through the same thing as you at the same time this year. I was miserable and gave up drinking and smoking and I looked and felt soo terrible. I was having panic attacks all the time and depressed. and all the other symptoms. I felt suicidal many times before and after diagnoses and surgery. I was diagnosed by april and had surgery in May. Did you ever get your surgery? Please email me or take some time to check out my blog if you want to read full story and what my recovery experience has been like. I just got a blood test to check to see if my remaining adrenal gland has woken up yet but we will see. I still feel not so good but atleast I am not swelling up anymore. I pray you have or will get your surgery soon! And it really helps to talk to recovered Cushing patients because they can give great advice and tell you that it does it better. It really helped me. I hope we can "get there" together! Take care.

I was diagnosed with cushings a yr ago & had both adrenal glands removed & still have a tumor doctors are unable to find. I have depression & anxiety along with the weight gain & lump on the neck. At one point I had some facial hair but waxed it. & it never came back. Congratulations for being sober especially dealing with this nightmare. I know your pain & feel it daily but you really have to look at the bright side. This disease kills & you are still here & we just need to keep faith in the doctors to keep us here. If you have to seek new doctors than do so. I live in an area no doctors could treat me so I was transferred out of state & do grateful they saved my life

Hey their you sound just like me. They keep telling me the tumour is to small and it's an invasive surgery they want to wait I have all the symptoms you have and it's an awful feeling I don't t know what to do anymore as well I have been told a lot from other dr why are they not putting you on something like a steroid my so called specialist keeps saying its to invasive and cortisol levels are not high enough but I can not function anymore. I feel so let down from my dr's

I tried that but it didn't help my pain. The dr just keep giving me pain meds a d I hate them

I also smoke weed because my anxiety is so bad and out here in California it is legal with a license. But I would rather be normal than having to figure out what's wrong with me.