Help?

I am undiagnosed, and refuse to seek documented treatment due to my career choice. I've managed to get on a THC regimen, which has really helped stabilize my mood, however I feel like I should share my stories et cetera.. Since I was about 13 I have had depression issues, a lot of it is environmental but there is 2 alcoholics in my family now so I think it has some genetic source. When I was only a couple years younger my disease took a turn for the worst, and I took several online tests, sure enough I had cyclothymia. Admittedly my manic states are easy to manage, but my depressive states got worse and worse as time went on. I used to smile a lot, I used to be happy, but unfortunately 4 years of high school with an undiagnosed mental abnormality took a lot of that away. as I said I have been using THC therapy, due to a previous smoking habit I DO ingest by smoking, and it helps, my depressive cycles have become more subdued, it levels my mood out, and I see many of my symptoms reduced even in periods where I am not medicated. but my life still feels like it is missing something... I get up every day and wonder what my moods will do to me, and I have suicidal thoughts, never anything specific I just think like my life has been long enough and nothing is ever going to improve, people have told me about the future but a larger load of responsibility with a family and a career and all that jazz.. it depresses me, just working and going to school kills me, everyone expects so much of me, why would I want an infant in my life? Or a child? They would expect me to be a father and I barely know how to be a person, I guess why I came here is to ask if there is a way to opt in to a more comfortable lifestyle (one without massive responsibility but no stigma) or I guess how do you people give your life something worth... I don't know waking up for everyday? I feel so broken and lazy.
DepressiveImbalance DepressiveImbalance
18-21
Dec 1, 2012