Will It Ever End?

I have been in therapy for six years now.. and although I have made vast improvements in many areas... dad issues are still something which need to be worked on. I'm sure my psychologist has been saying this to me the entire time but I just didn't "hear" it, but I realized today I really am just searching for my father through other men I date. I am looking for someone who will love me unconditionally, always be there for me, never let me down, be encouraging, think I'm the most special/beautiful girl on Earth that deserves the best, etc. Are these qualities I am supposed to be looking for in a partner? It kind of sounds like they are. I don't know. But I never had a father who did any of these things, so how does that fit in? I don't know what to do, or what to look for, and I am all confused. 

I know I have abandonment issues as well. I always feel that anyone I am dating could just disappear tomorrow and never speak to me again for pretty much no reason whatsoever.. and it has happened more times than I can recall. It is because I am unconsciously meeting people I know will do this to me just like my father? I now remember my psychologist talking about this constantly, but again I don't think I ever actually "heard" it, understood it, or really thought it was true. Why would I want to be with someone who I know could leave me? Why do I keep gravitating toward these kinds of people? Even now I that I am conscious of these unconscious thoughts.. I still can't stop them.

I just keep dating these guys that cannot emotionally commit over, and over, and over and over and over and over and over and over. And even when it really really really does seem like they can commit, alas, it never happens. How does my unconscious know these people will not commit? WTF? I just don't even know what to do anymore. It really is weird now that I think about it.. I wonder what it is like to have a normal dad. A dad who sits on the couch watching sports with the mom yelling at him to take the garbage out.. who's there for his daughter and tries to get her into sports.. who goes and golfs on sundays with his buddies... haha this is what I think of when I think of a father because I have no idea. My father is such a loser I really can't even go into it, just take my word for it. He made me feel like garbage everyday... and you know what even to this day unconsciously he makes me feel like garbage.. he set the foundation for it. My self-esteem is shaky at best, some days I feel great.. but most other days its a struggle to do anything. 

What makes it worse is my father is a social worker. How could someone grant him a degree in this field? He abused me on a daily basis until I was about 17 years old. With all the knowledge of stages children go through, and how important it is to be loving and accepting of them.. for him to do what he did to me is just outrageous.. how could he not know he was traumatizing me? I don't know any other children who went through I did. He's such a jerk, he has no friends, his own family doesn't like him, and I hate him. 

My psychologist has talked about forgiveness. I obviously can't do it. I'm almost 25 now... he hasn't abused me for 7 years and I still can't do it. He is such a loser he tries to get involved in my life now and ask these dumba$$ open ended questions so I have to say more than 1 word. Ugh I hate him so much... I thought maybe I was getting better with this stuff but I'm obviously not lol.

How will I ever get over these issues? I guess this is something I am gonna have to focus more on. 

UnderneathThaStarz UnderneathThaStarz
Mar 4, 2010