All My Life

All my life I have had an unconscious dislike for men. I had a negative feeling that I could not describe and It seemed to weigh heavy upon me. I fought the sensation because I knew that it was not in my nature, not healthy, and not acceptable to society. I endured alot of trauma as a child from adult males because of sexual, emotional, and physical abuse. I attributed this reality as to the source of my inner conflict. The funny thing about Psych classes is that it gives you the opportunity to look deep within yourself and release into the consciousness what your unconsciousness is repressing. During my studies involving the study of psycho-sexual stages of development I had an epiphany. I got with my Professor and we talked about my new found self awareness and this is what came up as the source of my unconscious dislike for men......As a child I was born in the 70's where drugs, sex, and rock n' roll was at it's peak in the social circuit. At infancy I was living on horse ranch and there were parties and BBQ's almost on a daily bases during the springs and summer months. Along with the parties came alcohol which led to violence between my parents. They fought all of the time. I am talking about knock out drag out fights. I felt the intensity of terror and helplessness towards my mother inflictions. It made me intensely angry at my father. Around this same time at the age of four, my parents also had *********** pictures laying around the house. The pictures were from the media of that time which consisted of cardboard like postcards with colored illustrations. My mom would take the pictures away from me of course but she would place them in a low location and I would only wait for her back to turn before I had them in my grasp again. When I looked at the pictures all I saw was male dominance and aggression by males making females suck them off. It disgusted me because I mirrored the image of my fathers nature and behavior onto those images and I formed my own negative opinion of males. In my unconscious males needed to be stopped because of the helplessness that I felt by watching my mother endure cruelty and torture. Once I realized that all of this was repressed into my unconscious the heavy sensation lifted and disappeared.  I found my relief. The only pain that exists now is for anger in my heart caused by the cruelty that was placed upon me as a child through my endurance to adult sexual gratification. This as well is something that I am going to work on in order to find means of release to that attachment. The whole moral of this story is to promote awareness about how your unconscious suppresses memories and the sooner you find the source like I did, then the sooner you will feel relief--unless you have a physiological or a personality disorder like schizophrenia etc,.

Neutrino38 Neutrino38
36-40, F
Feb 20, 2010