Well, Not Necessarily.

My life came tumbling down, or maybe im just a drama queen who over exaggerates a LOT. I tend to be very afraid these days, and I dont even know what of! maybe people will "know" how i spend my time. Or, waste it. Or maybe People will just stare at my breasts annd not at my face. (this is the most annoying of them all) its like, people with large breasts are automatically assumed as "*****" I hate this fact. Especially when I am faultering. All I really want is for someone to hold me and be there for me with love and support. But I suppose IM the one who is supposed to be doing the cradling of my own self. Attempting radical self-acceptance. Because Ive definitely put on many a facade over the years, many many personalities have shown through me..But the one that I could be sure of was the true part of me, my essence..was when I believed I was truly in love. Only to lose the boy who I was in love with. Where we did not have good communication at al. After Our friendship ended (it was a bunch of twists and turns) I suppose it ended due to my scene of blubbering addmitance to my underlying fear of rejection/ and saying "I love you" And what does he do? He tells me this back. Only to leave. And fish out some other girl. What does this girl have that I dont? NOTHING! It was hilarious! she was ACTING LIKE ME! when this is not humanly/inhumanly possible. So, I just decided to let it go. if it is or was meant to be, Maybe I shouldve ran after him, (im not one to chase boys, ever) 

But thats all in the past and now im looking forward, to which i cannot see, and it scares me. Alone, and wandering. and wondering. And lost. With confusion out the ying yang. 
Right now Im a bedroom dweller, a computer junkie, a chain smoking mindless girl with lack of knowledge about how the world works. I mean, Ive learned many things over the years, but ive pretty much shoved all of my memories into a little corner of my brain that I hope doesnt come unravelled ever again. Not saying my past was bad, but I have done A LOT of stupid things. But its now time to do the right thing and keep on truckin. Because all this worrying about what could have been is really starting to give me anxiety. 
Im a loner. Im a joker. Im fake serious. Im wild and out of control. I self-sabotage daily. I replace negative thoughts with uplifting ones and repeat them in my mind as a mantra. It sometimes seems like im trying to escape reality (which, i think I am!) I dont so much care what others think of me, or how they view me, ive realy just given up. I feel empty inside. Like, my heart is stangnant and I can no longer hear its whisperings. I wish To the heavens that I could feel free and purified again like a babbling brook. (i know, thats how I sound) 

But right now, my roots are in a state of stagnance and I have no one to help pull me out of this hole of my own making. 
Thats why I joined EP. Not to complain, but to get help. 
I share too many feelings and need to learn to be more assertive with myself and others. I need to be more at peace with myself, spiritually, sexually (especially) , physically and mentally. 
I sleep too much to know the difference between dreams and reality. I am a dreamer. And the cause of my own nightmares. 

Not giving a damn is really a bad Idea. I mean, my goal is to inspire and touch the hearts of others. Right now, im not too fond of men, because I dont want to get hurt again. Even though I know there are many, many different types of men. I just seem to cast my net in the wrong areas. So right now, Im going to marry myself and love myself fully. Therefore, I wont be waiting to be adored, when I can adore myself! Sounds wonderful. 
dontneedanyoneortwo dontneedanyoneortwo
18-21, F
4 Responses Apr 25, 2011

Right on.

You are very welcome, I am glad you got something from this. If you need help or just want to chat you can talk with me and ask me something anytime you want. :) ~ see ya around

thank you so so so very much What you said here is truly amazing and inspiring and I wish you all the best in your many endeavors

It's absolutely true that being positive is trying to escape your "reality" because what's real is what you believe in the most. Of course this is entirely subjective and you may be wondering what you can really rely on as true if reality is just something made up in the mind. Well the truth is that you have the power to believe what you will and if you want to be happy, you can be, and If you want the world to be a happy, cheerful place, well, now it is, in your own eyes, and that is all that matters. <br />
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If he can't love you, that just means that you have a chance to prove him wrong and love yourself all the better. -- Love is about being vulnerable, that is what makes it so precious, you become like a child again. Yet this is what makes it so hard when our love is not reciprocated. When you have that stable foundation and protection of loving yourself enough that it doesn't matter if other people do or not you have a lot more security than going out there and relying only upon another's whims. <br />
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It's better to find a new future than to fix your broken past, which like an eggshell will shatter into many shards making repair a futile effort. It's made that way so we will move on and learn from what we did, and realize it's silly to hold onto the pain of what we have experienced.<br />
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Ahh, Peace is just wonderful. I have been working on that.. Still haven't fixed my loner, isolated, afraid to do new things self yet. So I have a lot of empathy with ya there. ;]<br />
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Glad your here on EP! wish you well.