I Have Dsps And Chronic Anxiety.

From when I was a kid my anxiety was always a problem. If my parents weren't home when they said they would be, my instant thought was, "Oh no, they're in a car crash". And I always assumed the worse. My head was filled with thoughts of what I would do with my life, or what I would say to people, etc. And it always god worse, I would worry about it every time, even before they left.

This has now carried over to school, relationships, work, etc.

I first developed actual sleeping problems in the 4th grade. It started out with what I thought was insomnia. I would stay up all night, even on school nights when I knew I should sleep. And I would watch showtime kitchen knife infomercials, over, and over, and over again.
Not until recently was I diagnosed with delayed sleep phase syndrome, which the symptoms made more sense.

My sleeping disorder causes me to be completely exhausted at school. I literally cannot function without the use of drugs, Which I'll cover later. But when I try to focus in school, my mind is too adhered on just getting some sleep. I'm constantly getting yelled at by the teachers for not completing my assignments, not paying attention, or not being part of the class. When I was a little younger this was much worse as I was completely frustrated that I could not say anything. The immediate response was "Go to bed at night" or "Stop playing video games all the time". It caused me to hate my teachers, and I despised school. Every day I would go to school only to get more frustrated and angered by the arrogant, ignorant teachers that I should have been learning a lot from.

But I digress, and back to my further point of drugs. I'll make this short because I could ramble on for years with what I know about drugs, but I'd rather not fill up your time with such drivel. I first started taking zoloft for my depression (not mentioned before as it is a part of my anxiety). It didn't do anything at all, so I stopped taking it. I was also taking trazodone at the time, (For my sleep, not for my anxiety). The trazodone worked for a while but then I gained a tolerance to it, so I talked with my doctor. He recommended I take ativan, as it would help me with my anxiety that I had at night. Didn't work to well, so now I'm on ambien. Ambien is pretty much like drinking 100 beers in an hour. It also doesn't help that my dose is 20mg, 2-4 times what an average adult takes to sleep. They are extremely addictive too, and I find it almost impossible to sleep without them, they're like a fix for anyone who has done drugs.

Then there was adderall... They really should mention what its medication class is to people who take it. Adderall is a mix of salts, (I took the xr form), about 4 salts. They are all dextromethamphetamine related. Dextromethamphetamine is medical grade METH. I had to take it to stay awake in class.

Now don't get me wrong, it works, but at a huge price. After 2 weeks of taking it, a clicking noise of your pen was enough to make me want to kill you, I yelled at everyone for the smallest things, and almost got kicked out of school because of my anger from it.

And I'm usually a calm guy.

So lately, I've been dealing with the anxiety I have over the rest of my years in highschool. How am I going to stay awake during the day? Or sleep at night? Or pay attention? Or pass my classes for that matter? Or graduate and get a job so I can support a family. My current anxiety is that I won't, my life will turn to absolute ****, I'll get addicted to oxycodone again (Thank god I stopped doing that ****) and wind up killing myself.

For whoever actually finished reading this, I applaud you for putting up with my terrible grammar, but thank you. And if you have any advice, it would be greatly appreciated. =)

blutkrieg blutkrieg
1 Response Jul 16, 2010

I feel your pain, I really do. I hate medications because of all that drs have loaded me up with because of this disorder. I'm in college now but had soooo much trouble in high school and no one knew what was wrong with me. I was absolutely exhausted all day in classes, so of course I was depressed that I couldn't function, and drs thought I was tired because I was depressed. What a cycle to get into! :( I skipped school all the time and got in trouble because I simply could NOT wake up. All I got was punishment for it. <br />
<br />
I think (well actually know) that the lack of sleep causes anxiety, and that is my biggest problem too. <br />
The important thing to remember is that this is actually classified as a legal disability, and your school/teachers have an obligation to accommodate you. Sorry I cannot provide more advice but I just learned of this diagnosis myself.