This Rocky Road I Call Depersonalization

I'm 20 years old. This has been happening for about 8 months now and I can remember the exact date, the exact time, the exact thoughts that were running through my head... hell I ever remember exactly what I was wearing. I was smoking a joint on my day off relaxing with my girlfriend, I came into the house looked into the mirror and my world flipped upside down.
I was thrown into my first anxiety attack ever and never having one before as you can imagine I thought I was going crazy. I called my dad and just kept saying "there something wrong, I feel crazy, I don't feel right" he loaded me up with some litium and the anxiety attack stopped and I took a good nap.
But since that day something just hasn't been right, I feel disconnected from myself, my conversation, my actions, my girlfriend, my family, my friends... I always say I know I love them.. I just wish I could feel it again.
Its been causing some problems in my relationship, which is understandable cause it must be just as frustrating to be with someone who keeps saying there's something wrong but not being able to explain it. She's a champ though, she always listens when. I'm at my lowest and she tries to be. supportive.
I'm learning very slowly to live with it, I wish there was a way to just make it stop, to just feel like everyone else again, but honestly its starting to seem like it will be like this for the rest of my life. Which is kind of s***ty because you only get one shot at life and who wants to live it feeling nothing at all?
I've rambled on a bit lol but thanks for hearing me out, I hope to hear some responses or feedback or anything honestly

Keep on keeping on :)
iknowillmakeit iknowillmakeit
18-21, F
1 Response Sep 12, 2012

Hey man I know exactly how you feel, Im 20 years old about to turn 21 in October and i have depersonlization also, I've had anxiety and depression in my younger years but I'm over it now. I always feel like I'm in auto pilot or something, like everything is fake?? It's weird **** man and were not alone. I've been having this for about 4 months now and it sucks! You can't enjoy anything! Lol and people that dnt have it, dnt understand how we feel. But I've researched and have been told from a doctor in your early 20s a lot of people go through this for a little while cause were just starting life and got a lot of **** on our mind, btw even though it's good ****, weed causes depersonlization too sometimes haha the 2 causes are weed/anxiety . So if you've been stressing out about anything or just smoke a lot those cause it, me personal I dnt smoke but my brother does and he doesn't have it but ive read that it can cause it for certain people. But trust me bro it ain't going to last forever, we just have that mind set right now cause we're thinking about it. Just try your best to not think about it even though it's very hard cause I try too but it doesn't work to great. Well I hope you get to feeling better dude and you will. I know how you feel. BTW- 90 percent of Americans go through it atleast once in there life's. Some usually last longer then others but it happens to millions of people!