I Think It's An Adaptive Response.

My love interest died (if she had been with me she would not be dead. She liked ********. I would have at least told her to slow down, she drove off a bridge on the way to see one of them), my ex left me and my best friend was propistioning me for money to detox the girl i was falling for off heroin that he got her addicted to. I cracked.

I couldn't even attend Caralee's funeral because it was a 1000 miles away.

That was 3 years ago. I was in raleigh. I had been relocated. I had been uprooted entirely from my support group of friends and and at the time I was just cracking, I was having hallucinations and stuff telling me that this too would pass and that i needed to just let him go. Let the stupid ****** go and let him learn the hard way. I tried to save her, didn't listen. Not right away. She did later.

I had no friends to talk to and no one to cry on. All I wanted was a friend to give me a hot chocolate take me in from the rain so I could cry in her arms and i would have likely slept with her. I know. I know because i am a pretty physical healer for a guy.

Everything would have gotten better only she was nowhere to be found but in my head. I started blogging on EP around the time. Tristin showed up, she took care of me for awhile, via the phone. Only phone. Only a voice on the other end but eventually her presuit of me became my presuit of her and she got smothered. Years have passed. I've been more or less not ignored for 18 motnhs. I care about everything that's happening an awful lot but This new girl showed up and i'm having all of these depersonalized feelings like I can't believe this is really happening to me and not a character in a book i'm reading to escape from this reality etc.

I love her to pieces. I know I do but it's like it's too good to be true almost and I've never really felt this way. My universe is entirely mental and not very physical at all. I go out for groceries from time to time but mostly i'm talking to my sister and living in my head. Sense we're both on social security and paid for by my parents there's no coherent need to be at work or any or in school and no day or night to us. It's 415 am right now and I can honestly tell you this is routine and normal. But we're up at 415 pm all the time too. Sleep cycles don't stay bolted down or consistent and move around the clock and very little ever gets done beyond the cleaning of the apartment.

I want to fly off to whereever this girl is going and be with her because I suspect if i had to deal with things actually happening or day and night mattering again things would get back to normal and we'd be happy but I just feel like right now it feels a little dreamy and too good to be true. She's the best thing that's ever happened to me. I really genuinely mean this but it's so hard to...

sigh...

and i'm so glad.

but still.. Am I really here? The little things keep slipping by. I don't notice them, hear them. i want to...I want to be humble for her. I want to be everything she wants and needs. Care about the stupid things like her favorite color and season.... but the big things i do care about...

I say i feel depersonalized cause caralee is dead it's in the past thoug But i've  stopped caring about it, my friends heroin use didn't shock me and that she said i was right and got away from him had next to no impact-it's like it happened to someone else

I say I feel depersonalized because big **** keeps happening and it's like I don't care. Our relocation to Texas that's upcoming. My sister's change of jobs and that she almost lost care of my niece. I thought  my poor niece would probably be better off without her mom. I could explain. My sister is a handful and yells at everyone and hits them. Highly emotionally abuse and nearly constant about it. 

I say I feel depersonalized because everything that happened before about 2 years ago feels like it happened to someone else and I can report on it so matter of factly.

I Say I Feel deperonalized because my ENTIRE UNIVERSE IS MENTAL. There IS NO PHYSICAL. I am TIRED of that. 
ManifestoOfThePhoenix ManifestoOfThePhoenix
31-35, M
Sep 25, 2012