I Feel Like I'm Living In A Dream

I feel little to no emotions, I feel disconnected from my sense of self
I used to be the exact opposite I was very emotional and went between feeling cocky and egotistical to hating my self more than anything, I couldn't control my feelings or thoughts, I have heavy ADHD.
I started smoking weed when I was 13, I started smoking daily and became addicted when I was 15, I felt like I needed to have that disconnect from my overwhelming emotions.
I had been taking concerta, but stopped because I liked being high better, I was then put on adderall.
Adderall had me feeling amazing and unstoppable, on top of the world for about a month. I was still smoking weed daily to make my self more sociable and because the the rich, older, party kids would smoke every day so I became freinds with them by smoking with them. The adderall could leave me feeling like a robot and the weed would make me feel good again on top of it.
Slowly the hyper-confidence and feeling good stopped, and I was feeling emotionless, blank. Even when I would smoke, I tried so hard to stop, to feel emotions again, but I couldnt take Amphetamine withdrawls, still cant, I go crazy and can hardly get out of bed.
I switched to vyvanse 6 months afterward, in June and hardly smoke weed, only drank with freinds sometimes.
I am a complete robot/ghost now, its hard to care about anything at all anymore. my mom, my sister, my dad, my best freinds. I have to fake everything, it is like I am an actor and I cant feel the love or emotions that they do, since I cant feel on the inside the outside is absolutely everything to me now, I pretend I'm in a movie, and im the star, and I can make myself into anybody that I want to be and I can just improve my acting skills daily. Is it possible to live your life like this forever?
Kalidiscope Kalidiscope
18-21, F
1 Response Jan 6, 2013

No! PLEASE seek help and thank you so much for sharing what you did. I'm in tears reading this. My husband was on Vyvanse for several years. At one point he'd told me (when he was still speaking to me) that he felt as if he didn't have a soul. He killed himself just a few months before your post. Please, please, please seek help. I know more now. It can take a year to get your feelings back, but it can be done. He gave up. Please don't. *HUGS*