My Experiences..

For years I've tried to figure out what was wrong with me. And I definitely have depersonalization disorder. but I also have depression and anxiety problems so I know for a fact that isn't what was bothering me. I've felt this way for since I can even remember... I can't remember the feeling of being normal. Its the worst feeling in the world.

What I feel is whenever I first tried to explain what was going on in my mind, I got very confused and freaked out or started crying. It was too difficult to explain. My body does whatever it wants. I haven't been able to control my actions for years. Same with my speaking. Its like someone else is doing the talking for me and is also controlling my body. Basically the best way I can explain it, is being high ALL the time. Its very dangerous for me to think about my body controlling itself, especially when I'm driving because I get confused and its like my body gets froze. Idk if any of you have had this happen but its happened to me many times.

I've looked at what has "cured" others, but they mostly say to ignore it. That hasn't worked for me one bit. Its sad because my dreams feel like my actual life, and when I'm awake it feels like my dreams. Had anyone figured anything else out?..
speckle456 speckle456
18-21, F
11 Responses Jan 17, 2013

I have experienced the same thing. I try to ignore it and not think about it in order not to 'feed it' because your mind concentrates on whatever you focus on. I have been on depersonalizationrecovery.com and there is some helpful advice there.

I understand you completely. My depersonalization disorder runs rapid when I drive. I am always questioning my actions and ask myself why am I stopping right now, what is making my body press the breaks? I also freak out in the shower when I am washing my hair. I won't drive long distances anymore nor shower in the morning because I fear an anxiety attack and when I have an attack I call out of wk. I'm on a thin line at wk and am scared constantly to drive because I fear I will loose all control one day. I feel like a robot or feel like something or someone else is controlling me. This disorder scares me and I cry every day. I feel better knowing I am not the only one out there that feels like they are going insane. It also feels good knowing that there is a name for this disorder. We are not alone

I know EXACTLY how you feel, and it almost makes me feel better to hear your story, except awful at the same time because I know it is the worst thing ever. 100% of the time I don't feel like myself. Not just that, I don't feel like anyone. I hear myself speak and don't recognize it. I say and do things I would never do. The most dificulty is when I'm with my boyfriend. I have been with him for awhile but feel as if I don't know him at all, I don't even know myself. I can't open up because it doesn't even feel like me, and every time I talk I feel extreme anxiety cause I don't feel as if anything I am saying is really me. It's as if I have to force myself to talk, but the things that come out aren't coming from me. I feel numb and empty and confused and want it to all go away. I really, really hope this gets better for you, as it does for me. Honestly I do not want to go on living if this is how I am going to live

That's exactly it! My dad had theories about my conscious and unconscious sides being switched kinda.. But sleep doesn't make it go away. I hope yours goes away too. I know it's difficult.

Well if people don't understand an illness ( eg diabetes, cancer, addiction ) others will struggle to understand.

I know two women who have a fear of flying. They project in their minds a crash. I don't understand but I do grasp that this is "real" for them.

Early in this em exchange we discussed emotions . You observed that anger is the strongest feeling you are aware of. If "rage" is one extreme form of anger and "irritation" another extreme ...where does anger often lie...in the middle, or up the high end ?

Bob

Hmmmmm.

Why did he suggest that ?

He thinks they'll say I'm crazy

I was wondering if you were isolated......lonely?

Some times there is a connection.

Do your friends know of your disorder ?

One of my friends do. But from what he told me he has it too. He told me I just shouldn't tell anyone about it..

In life (at school, in our families, in the neighbourhood ) there are people we trust.

And people who we are uncomfortable around, so we might avoid them

And others we have no real interaction with.

A "people pleaser" might spend time with people in the second and third group.....because they are lonely.

Which group do you interact with ?

I have a lot of close friends that I stick around with. What does that have to do with dp?

Do you let people take advantage of you ?

What do you mean

Go on....what emotions do you experience.....fear, anger, lust, joy....any of these ? Or other feelings ?

I just feel dead. Blank. Sometimes I do get very angry tho. My friend just passed a couple weeks ago so I'm sad as well. But usually I'm just like a zombie

Tell me more about your HIGH, your euphoria.

I feel like I'm watching a movie. My eyes ate the screen and I can't control anything anymore. Kinda like nothing is ever "clear"

Are*

are you venting....or would you like some suggestions ?

Both