At Least I Think...
At least I think I suffer from depression. Why else does my weight go up and down, I have no motivation to do anything but the necessary things in life (like go to work, etc). My mood swings can be dramatic. One day I'm happy and the next day I don't want to get out of bed. When I do sleep, I sleep for like 10 hours, at least... way too long, in my opinion. Most of my "happy" days are because I'm pretending to be happy so I don't ruin anyone else's day.
I have not sought advice or counsel from a professional. I did seek out online help, which landed me on this site. It helps a little.
Like I commented on another story, I do have the urge to cut myself just so I can release the anger and pain inside of me but I never actually go through with it because I don't want the scars left behind.
Lately I've been thinking about ending it all. I don't know why my thoughts are going that far, but I've been thinking about doing things that may look like an accident like crashing my car or something like that just so I can be done with it all. Then when I realize I'm thinking those thoughts, it freaks me out and I try to stop the thoughts...which I usually do. Now I'm pissed because my guy doesn't want me to be in the house alone anymore. He wants someone to babysit me and that ****** me off because, even though I know I'm fighting an inner battle, I don't think I will ever go that far over my life's stresses. I mean, other people have greater stresses than mine so why end it over that.
But the increasing back and forth in my head is getting to me and I may have to break down and go to a doctor. I just don't want to get on medication. My grandmother is bipolar and she had to go through rehab because she was over-medicated. Plus addiction runs in my family.
I don't know if there is alternative ways to deal with the thoughts in my head, but I need to find out so I can stop all of this nonsense before it gets out of control.
I'm so conflicted at times. Then I mentally get a grip on it and walk around happy. Then I "crash" and have multiple days or some times weeks when I have the "blues" (for lack of a better term) and I have to focus to get myself out of it again.
I'm babbling. I'll stop now.