Post

Fear

Sometimes I want to laugh at people who are afraid of death because I knew I wasn't. Sometimes people don't want to be near me because I'm different, or because I cut, or because I don't dress in booty shorts, skin tight jeans, or brand name outfits.

My mom works all the time. She works nonstop and when she has vacation time, she uses it to visit my dying grandparents. It's sad, really, seeing that I haven't cried for them once. I feel that numbness whenever I try to 'be happy' or 'be sad'. My mom hasn't gotten over the fact that her parents are going to pass on in less than a year simply because they're old. And I have started thinking about my mother growing old and withering away. It is one of the things that's actually stirred up a reaction in my emotionless monster of a brain.

But everyone dies and will die. It's the loss that's so painful, isn't it? Because that's what my greatest fear is. Not death, not pain, not spiders or clowns or guns, knives, or chipping my nails. It's probably losing the ones I love. And it's always going to be death that takes them away.

But these last couple years, I've grown cold. Cold and numb and heartless. Or is it the fact that I can't feel anymore that's made me this way? I can't cry anymore, I can't get angry, or sad. I used to get so worked up and I would take wine bottles out and smash them to pieces...now that's just gone somehow.

I've started to think that I'm a monster.
5ymph0n1c4 5ymph0n1c4 13-15, F Aug 7, 2012

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