Bleeding Inside

This group kind of sums up my problems. I have been depressed for almost 2 years, i suffer from severe anxiety, and i self-harm. i have had a lot of crap happen in my life and i just can't find a way to deal with it. i always blame myself for things that go wrong, and i always put myself down. saying that i hate the way i look is an understatement, just looking in the mirror makes me want to self-harm. the depression has pushed away my family and some of my friends. the anxiety keeps me from doing things and going places. i suffer from panic attacks and it sometimes screws up my school work. the part that is worse is that my family doesn't know any thing about my depression, anxiety or my struggle with self-harm. i am completely alone besides one friend who knows about the self-harm. i can't find a way to express my feelings, because they get so big and jumbled up in my head, self-harm helps push down the pressure. i go through everyday trying to keep calm and stay alive, because sometimes life doesn't even feel worth it to me. i feel strange, that at 15 i am constantly worried about everything going on around me. that at 15 i sometimes can't even find the need to get out of bed, to eat anything, or speak to anyone. at 15 i can only express my emotions through self-harm, destroying my body just to get rid of the pain inside of me. school sucks and i hate having to go and deal with the crap there, just to come home to different crap. i find that i am hanging on to life by a single thread, and life wants to keep pulling on it till it is barely enough to hold me up. my friend tries to get me to stop self-harming, but she doesn't seem to get that without it, i don't think i would be able to make it. i am sick of the judgment i get for not being peppy and excited about things. i hate that i don't seem to fit in just because i would rather wear basketball shorts instead of short shorts. i hate having to live with these problems, and then people go and tell that my life isn't that bad. those people have no idea what my life is like, or the things i have been through, but they still feel the need to judge me on what they think my life is like. i wish these problems would go away so i could feel normal again.
darkness101 darkness101
18-21, F
1 Response Sep 16, 2012

Hello, thank-you for sharing your story. I've shared my story of self -harm and how i recovered here http://truefeminismnaphtali.blogspot.com. I hope it helps you. Peace and Love.