Will It Ever End????

I am not sure when these issues started, but I have always bit my nails down to the nub. When I was around preschool age I started getting injured on purpose so I could rip off my scabs, and continued to do it until it scarred. I was a child who never smiled, barely talked, and stayed in my room alot. When I was in 5th grade I made my first real friend who was a year or so older then me. She took me under her wing, but after some time she became physically and mentally abusive towards me, I guess just being a kid. I still think about her even today. I was always more physically developed then other girls my age, and got negative sexual attention from older boys who scared me. I was also chunky and unpopular during my preteen years, and thats when the anorexia started. I just wanted to look like the other girls, and I always had a fear of growing up. By the time I was 17 I was 5'4" and 84 lbs, scared my family and boyfriend at that time. I didnt care, I didn't want to give it up, but somehow I survived it without treatment. I still to this day miss being at that weight and looking like that. I am not sure what happened afterwards, but at 19 I got pregnant and at 20 had my son. He was healthy, I wish i could have said the same. Sometime during my 20's I turned to alcohol, first started really controlled with 1 or 2 drinks, but it didnt take long to get out of control. I was also very sexually permiscuous with the guys. Also during this time, I had anxiety, panic attacks at work when I was working as an RN in a hospital. they didnt happen often but they did happen. I also started to punch myself in the face giving myself black eyes and fat lips on several occasions. I dont know why, or exactly when it started but I felt a compusion to do it.This lasted on and off for aproximately 8 years or so, and only about a dozen times during this time period. I was always changing jobs, changing residents, changing hobbies, and had always had short term relationships with males. Then in 2005 when I was 30 and in a bad relationship, part him part me, I gave birth to an extremely premature boy who only lived for 5 months. A few weeks after his death, I met a lesbian woman, and we got together on and off, and eventually married. My flighty job situation never changed, but right after we got married I continued to punch mysellf in the face, and drinking and short term drug use still was in play. Somehow that ended about 4 years ago. I am in a relationship with this woman that is mentally and emotionally abusive, she is an alcoholic, and I quit drinking. Normally I would have left this relationship afew months after it started, but its been 7 years now and I have alot or resentment towards her and myself so maybe thats why I stay. I still have anxiety attacks when I work as a RN, so I found teaching alot less stressful. But thats pretty much my story.
tempestuousprincess74 tempestuousprincess74
36-40, F
Sep 22, 2012