Please Read My Story

Looking back at my childhood you would never guess that I would turn into who I am now. I was a happy person who used to be daddy’s little girl. I could spend all day outside and love every minute of it. I used to take every moment in and live it to the fullest. What happened? What did I do to deserve any of this?

Not sure where to start so I’ll start with my family. My mom came from a very abusive home. My grandpa was a mean alcoholic and took his raging anger out on his kids. The stories my mom told my siblings and me were sometimes horrifying. As a child though I never saw that part of my grandpa. He was my hero and I loved him from one side of the earth to the other. I didn’t get to know my grandpa that long though because or what I think is the grief of life finally set in for him. His neighbors found him hanging in the garage. I can remember the night so clearly as my mom came to my room to wake me with tears strolling down her face. When I went to sit in the living room my usual babysitter was sitting there as well as a cop stood behind the counter. That night I lost my favorite person. Saddest part my sister was so young she did not understand anything so she just watched us as we all cried our sorrows. Man do I miss that man. You could say mental illness ran in my mom’s family. I had relatives farther in my family tree who were diagnosed with schizophrenia and it was always thought that my grandpa had some undiagnosed problem. My grandpa’s rage always came hardest on my uncle who was the oldest. My mom told us stories of things he would do to animals, which were as well sickening and sad. I never got a chance to meet my uncle because when I was one he took his life as well. From there my mom’s life crumpled as well as my grandmas. My grandma means well, but she herself has some unresolved issues, but that’s a story for another time. My mom parenting you could say turned out a lot like my grandpas. She could be loud and raging when she wanted too and sometimes verbally abusive. My dad resembles the same things you could say. As a kid my dad had horrible anxiety attacks. My mom told me of a story one time when they were sitting in a theatre and he had an attack and my mom rushed him to the hospital thinking he was having a heart attack. My dad always took his frustration and anger out in yelling and screaming at us kids. Mostly at my brother, who is a renowned troublemaker even as a kid. My house has always been loud and there’s always a ton of screaming. I had friends who would refuse to come to my house cause they were terrified of my dad and they had reason to be. Half the time I was terrified of him as well. As well he could be very verbally abusive. My brother has pretty much dedicated his life to being a troublemaker. When he was young he would do stuff like say light a shed on fire with a friend and argue constantly with my dad. As he got older he go into stealing and his trouble making escalated into dealing with the cops. He would steal dirt bikes quads, even one time a cash box and fireworks. He would constantly over cross his probation and not listen to his curfews. He would run from the cops every chance he could. One time he even told my cousin he was going to break into a school. Her doing the smart thing called the cops and they were waiting there for him. He came and took off in a high-speed police chase. Of course they knew my brother well and went straight to our house and waited for him. Finally my dad convinced him to come home and turn himself over to the cops and he did. He admitted to the stealing plus much else and made a deal with the cops. He gave up the names of two major drug dealers in our area to save his but from going to jail. He was put on probation, which didn’t do much because he wouldn’t follow any of it. By doing that he put himself in danger and on a hit list be the dealers he gave up. My brother was always sneaking out of the house and a couple times got caught. Sending him to court with probation breaches. He had a few incidences with his vehicle, which caused him to get his license taken away and eventually his vehicle. That didn’t stop him from sneaking out and driving around and again the cops found him a couple times getting him into deeper trouble. He even managed to get a DUI. What I have all listed for you is just a short list of what he has done. So as you can see this as well created a lot o conflict at home, straining my dads in his relationship very much. So much to the point my dad had kicked him out multiple times until it came the time he was never allowed to come home. My brother growing up was one of my best friends I love him like crazy and would die without him. I worry about him lots which you will soon learn as well took a huge toll on me but ill save that for later. My brother turned into an alcoholic pothead who was always fighting the law. The only reason he is not in jail is because the cops grew to like my brother and his infectious personality so they would do what they could to help him out. He dropped out of school and couldn’t keep a job to save his life. He was what my dad called useless and pathetic. Thankfully now he has his life straightened out and is on a good path, as well he is off probation. I hardly see him but I finally got my brother back. I got tired of crying at night praying he would come home alive. My older sister and me get along pretty good but when she wanted to be mean, she was mean! She had her life pretty good except for in grade ten she went off the deep end a bit but she went though college and got her life on a good track. My younger sister was always my best friend growing up. I’d spend every minute possible with he. As we got older we kind of drifted apart and now we are older we but heads a lot. She always dealed with issues of her own such as she became bulimic. She hid it from my family pretty good but it wasn’t going to stay that way for long. We were destined to figure it out. Luckily she got over that and is doing exceptional in school. Now me. You could say my brother and me were the troublemakers of the family. Always managing to do something wrong. My brother grew out of it but I’m still battling every moment of it. As I said, looking at my childhood you would have never guessed I would turn into what I am now, struggling to just stay alive. Though my family had its issues we were still close and will always be family, even with our quirks. (Oh as well my brother was diagnosed with ADHD, which explained a lot of his quirks)
In all of elementary and junior high I was an honor student who was always commended on my ability to do school work. My issues were minor and the only battles I fought were the obvious friend drama that everyone knows. I should have been happy right? Not even close. No matter what I did people would rip me to shreds. All of elementary and junior high I could hardly keep a friend because they always turned on me and befriended the enemy and some of the just pretended to be my friend so they could get to me easier and tear me apart faster. As a kid I didn’t know any better though so I let them. The things the mean girls (as I call it) would do to me. All my life I was brutally bullied and made fun of. The names the kids would come up for me were horrendous. As I got older it got worse and worse. I would tell teachers but they would tell me to deal with it, or the way that they would solve it would never work. Just would make things worse. It got to the point I would walk down the hallways and everyone would moo as I walked by. I was not overly overweight but I was the bigger kid. So of course they would use that against me. It seemed like everyday I was going home crying with the story of what the kids did that day. Of course I’m a very introvert person so I always managed to keep it to myself. Most times I would go to my bedroom and bawl for hours, hating myself more and more. The mean girls would pretend to be my friend but I always knew what they were saying behind my back. I hated every bit of school. Every year I would bag my parents not to send me back because I couldn’t stand it anymore. At least me being a hardworking farm kid came to my advantage. On the bus once one of the mean boys was laughing at me and I finally had enough. I slapped him so hard across the face he started crying. Thinking that solved it I went into the school and went straight to my locker. That was until this mean boy decided he was going to fight me. He flung me around and went to throw a punch but I ducked. In a matter of seconds I had him pinned on the ground as everyone was chanting around us fight. I had won but once again that did nothing. Another time in grade six one of the mean boys again tried fighting me but two of his friends jumped in on the fight. Though I was outnumbered I still fought my hardest. It finally broke up when the teacher walked into the classroom and I had to sit there like nothing happened. Basically my childhood was filled with a lot of tears from the things my schoolmates would do to me and of course everyone had to join in on it. So in total school was a nightmare. Of course I kept every bit of emotion to myself. If I didn’t I was just showing weakness which I refused to show my family. On top of all this I have to deal with the memories of horrid things my family would do as I was a child. I have this one memory where my brother told my cousin and me to take our clothes off. I’ll leave it at that because to even think of what happened next wants to make me cry. The only reason I got through any of this was I had a loving family and my pets. I love animals with all my heart. Growing up I had a dog-named bow and a dog-named teddy. They were both older dogs so they weren’t in my life long. Teddy passed away leaving a whole in my heart but it was soon filled with an angel. We got my dog Maggie and as well we had a cat named Izzy. I would rely on them for everything. Finally the day came when bow had passed away and once again I had a whole in my heart. My mom is a dog groomer so one day she came home from work with a dog in her hands. That’s when I met my best friend Eddie. I loved that dog like no one could imagine. He would sleep with me every night and was very protective of me. I loved every minute of having him. Like I said my animals are my life. No matter what species they are. So I now had my best friends Izzy, Maggie and Eddie. It was us against the world. If life stopped there I would have been fine but time goes on and no one can live forever. Izzy had to be put down because he was destroying the house. When I was ten we moved into a new house with my dogs Eddie and Maggie. I can’t strain enough how much I love my animals. One day we introduced our dogs to a new dog named Brody. He didn’t last long though because he had a strong rage for vehicles, which would end his life. One night I left the door open and Brody escaped. My sister drove in the yard as he raced past her. She called the house screaming for help to catch our dog. He was running down the road when my neighbor came barreling over the hill. My sister was so close to snatching him but he got away and decided to take the oncoming vehicle head on. He soon lay there on the road no breath running through him. My sister and brother watched as he gave one yelp of agony and passed away. The saddest part was my brother saying the hardest thing I ever have done in life was pick my brother up off the road and it was all my fault. If life stopped there I would have been fine. I got over it, though it left a gap in our life I would move one. If only life would have stopped there. One week when my parents were gone my do Eddie rapidly lost weight. We brought him to the vet but they couldn’t find out what was wrong. It turned out my neighbors had poisoned him. My parents rushed home and brought him to the vet once again while I was at school. I made it home before them and as soon as they came through the door I ran to them expecting to pick up my best friend. They held nothing in their hands. That very moment I thought life was over. I cried every night for a year straight longing for him. Begging God to give him back. I would go to school crying and all anyone did was laugh at me. I know he was just a dog but he was my entire world. Living on a farm we had tons of animals. One time a stray came along which I named skipper. At first I wanted him gone because all he was doing was fighting with the other cats but I soon grew to love him. He was very wild but starving. Slowly day-by-day I’d bring food to him and every day I got closer to him until I could pet him and eventually pick him up. I named him Skipper. One night I had a dream of my dog. He looked at my cat and whispered it’s your turn to take care of her. Little did I know I woke up soaked in my own tears. Skipper managed to fill that hurt and kept me going from day to day. He became my new best friend. But that’s enough about my animals. On top of my everyday battle with bullying and dealing with the family and their issues I couldn’t sleep at night. Why? Because I monster lurked in my mind. Who new he would ever grow to overtake me but ill explain that later. Every night I would have nightmares of people dyeing or me dying. Complete strangers been shredded to pieces, me being shredded to pieces. Rape. Death. Pain. I was too young to know what any of it was I just knew how horrible it was. Little did I know these nightmares would plague me for life. As I grew older they grew more gruesome and horrifying. Finally it got to the point where death didn’t faze me. I saw things no one should ever see. My childhood was filled with its pain and hurts but if life stopped there I would have been fine. I could deal with the bullying, the nightmares, the family rage, my losing what meant most to me. I was strong enough for that. Why God decided it wasn’t done yet. I do not know. I will never know.

Growing up I was always a very emotional kid. Every little word would dig a whole dip inside me, feeding my self-hatred. I started doing things I couldn’t explain. I turned into a freak. But I hid it all inside. Put it in a box and hid the key. I would not show weakness. It started with the hand washing. Then avoiding different parts of the house. I started avoiding touching my family. Simple chores turned into giant mountains. I was...different and I couldn’t explain it. As time went on it grew worse and worse. My bedroom became my safe place and NO ONE was allowed to enter it. My showers dragged out to be hours long and I couldn’t stop the anxiety pulsing through me. Behind my parents back I would have anxiety attacks. I would hyperventilate and some times couldn’t even catch a breath I was panicking so hard. Tears would stream down my face and soak everything. My body would shake and panic. I felt like I was dying. One day the TV show obsessed came on. Everybody’s symptoms were too familiar. Once again I kept it hidden though. Finally one day my brother and me were having a heart to heart on the roof. He told me what he had been hiding and I had told him what I was hiding. That was the day my family learned of a different part of me. I told me brother about the nightmares and the weird behavior. How I thought I might have a disorder called OCD. At first he laughed at me, which hurt a lot. I begged him to keep it a secret but of course he told my parents. We went to the doctor and they diagnosed me with OCD and depression. I thought that was it, that it wouldn’t get any worse. I was so wrong. Grade seven rolled around and my OCD slowly escalated. I met a boy at a cattle show and we soon fell for each other. He was older than me but I didn’t mind. For once I felt wanted and put my full trust in him. He laid me down and whispered in my ear, I want your virginity. I of course said no and got up to leave. Why it couldn’t have ended there I do not know. He wasn’t going to take no for an answer and you can probably guess what happened next. Now I was left bullied broken and I trusted no one. I was fighting this battle by myself. I had a choice of ratting him out or keeping it to myself. I decided it was easier to bury it and that I did. I locked it away hoping it would never resurface again. Memories of when I was a little girl plagued my mind again and I felt as if I was worthless. So I acted as such. So by this point I was bullied, bruised and broken. Finally half way through the year I new girl came into our class. Her and I instantly became friends and for once I trusted someone again. At school I would pretend nothing was wrong and started becoming very mean myself. I’m not proud of the things that we had done to other classmates but don’t worry now I’m older I asked these certain people forgiveness and now we r friends. Anyways she became everything to me. She had her life struggles as well and we just related so well. One day she came to school and told me she was moving away and she did. I crashed. I was an empty shell walking down the hallways. Junior high went on with the same stuff. I was battling OCD, my emotions, and my depression. I was being bullied and yelled at, at home. I was hiding a world full of secrets. I finally graduated grade nine and thought that would be the end of it. I had my cat skipper. It was he and I against the world. Grade ten was a new start for me. No one had to know my past. I was a new person. I got to grade 10 and my OCD had escalated to controlling my life. I was constantly washing my hands. All together I stopped touching hugging or getting close to any member of my family. I was avoiding certain part of the house. I wouldn’t touch doorknobs or anything that one of my family member’s could have touched. I’d find ways to open things and touch things just so I wouldn’t have to touch it with my hands. I refused to do simple chores and that’s only a little bit. If I explained everything you would be here all day. For some reason I could hide it at school though. It didn’t bother me as much, it wasn’t my safe haven so I didn’t have to worry if it was contaminated or not, as long as I didn’t become contaminated. I got very good at bending around parts of my OCD. Kind of tricking my friends to do things for me like open doors. I would avoid the school bathroom and wait till home and if I thought a person was contaminated I wouldn’t touch them. I made friends quick and at first everything was fine. My OCD didn’t show and neither did my depression. No one knew my past. How could I of expected my past wouldn’t catch up with me though. I started falling for a boy in my grade and we soon started dating. I tried my hardest not to freak when he reached for my hand but inside I was dyeing. Every time he leaned in to kiss me memories of when I was younger flooded my mind and I couldn’t. Finally I couldn’t handle it anymore but it was to late. He was completely and totally in love with me and he hardly knew anything. I broke up with him ripping his heart to shreds. He says he forgave me but I know he never will, I wont forgive myself either. One day in class a popular girl was assigned to be my partner. Looking back now I wish I read the warning signs sooner. Soon I became close friends with her and started doing things she would. She would come to school high every day and for some reason I longed for that. One day I was with her while she was doing a drug pick up, and she offered me some and I said yes. Not because of peer pressure. I didn’t care how it made me look. I saw it as a way out. After that I went to the guy that supplied her and bought my own. That was the day I made the worlds biggest mistake. After that I became infatuated with lighters and would play with them all of class. I turned into a monster that was following her every move. All the amazing friends I made soon disappeared and I had lost myself again. My depression and OCD continued to grow worse and suddenly the bullying started again. I started skipping class and became “one of those kids”. One day I had enough. Doctors had put me on medication for my OCD and depression but little did my parents no I wasn’t taking it. Instead I was keeping it all in a suicide stash. One day when I was home alone I took all the pills as well as what else I could get my hands on. That was it I thought it was all done. I called a friend before hand and little did I know she was on her way to my house. I woke up later, which who knows how long later. Surrounded by my vomit, my stomach churning and my friend standing over me screaming. I had failed. I was so angry with myself. I thought how could I have failed. Rage ran through my body. She helped me to the house and insisted she call 911. I wouldn’t let her. I passed out in my bed and became a shadow to the world. School went on and I headed on the same course. But I hid most of my school life from my parents. One day my ‘popular’ friend and me decided to go smoke weed in the park with two other girls. I was the one supplying the weed. We smoked some and soon realized it was laced but that didn’t faze us. We headed back to the school and acted as if nothing happened. The other two girls went to class and me and the popular girl stayed in the cafeteria. Soon one of the girls came flying in the cafeteria explain she’s been suspended and that we all got caught. Soon the principle approached us in the café and I knew we were doomed. Another friend of mine was sitting beside us so I slid my bag, which had the weed in it over to her and told her to hide it. We were than ordered to come to the office. I went first. The other girls had admitted to smoking weed and so they knew we had so there was no denying it. So I told the truth. He asked me if I had any and I said no. Little did I know the popular girl ratted me out and they knew I had weed. A couple minutes later an officer walked into the door and went to the office of the principal. Right away we were both suspended but than I was called back to the office. They checked the cameras and saw my friend with my purse so they went and got it from her. They right away searched it and found the weed. I was then put under arrest and of course they called my parents. From that went to court and myself was put on probation with requirements I seek mental help. After that my depression and OCD got so bad that I tried once more to kill myself. I loaded a gun and was ready to pull the trigger. Once again I had called a friend to say goodbye and she talked me out of it. A lot more happened that year but the jist of it is I didn’t finish grade ten, had OCD and depression and didn’t give a **** if I died or not. I thought that was the worst of it. (Keep in mind I’m dealing with family issues at the same time. At least after I was arrested I stopped the drugs though because it scared the living daylights out of me but I continued to be friends with the popular girl even though she ratted me out. On top of all this I was still being bullied. Then grade eleven came around. Over the summer I tried once my overdosing on drugs but to my dismay I woke up in the emergency room. I was hardly into the year when I was put into the psych ward of a hospital where I’d stay there for a month. I didn’t tell anyone I just disappeared. I had already lost tons of friends after my third attempt and they refused to talk to me. I was too much to handle they said. I had to many problems they said. By this point as well I had started self harming. I remember the first time I cut and burned myself, the satisfaction I got out of it. I got out of the hospital thinking I was better but I was so wrong. My friend had asked me to smoke weed with him and I instantly agreed not even thinking bout it. Soon I was hooked. Smoking weed everyday trying to help resolve my anxiety from my OCD. It was controlling my life. One day of doing it turned into seven months straight of smoking weed eight times a day. By this point I was taken out of the high school and put into a small homeschooling type school. (There was still a building we went to school in but we just did the schooling by ourselves and there were teachers there if we needed help.) My OCD and depression started spinning out of control and my want for weed grew stronger. That was when a friend and me made the stupid decision of trying every drug at least once. By this point all medications, and anything I could hurt myself with, were locked away in a safe and I couldn’t get to them. I finally one day got my hands on Oxycodone and a lot of it, an brought it to school to do with my friends. We snorted it at least 8 times each as well as continued to smoke weed all day. I thought we were going to be fine until my friend overdosed and was rushed to hospital with drugs I gave her. As well I grew horribly sick and couldn’t stop vomiting. My world was crashing. I not only was smoking weed at school but now at home. I found it more enjoyable to smoke it alone which little did I know would become more dangerous for me. I was doing drugs on top of drugs. I became paranoid and started creating more mental issues for myself. If I kept on going at this point I was going to die. Sadly no one in my family noticed. They knew something was different about me but never asked. As I said I was spiraling out of control. It got so bad, that one-day my parents and me were arguing like usual and I screamed at them I wanted to die and I didn’t give a **** what they thought. By this point my habit of cutting and and burning grew so big to the point where I was covered in scars and fresh wounds. But I didn’t care. Why would I, I want to die. That night I snook outside and hung myself. Yes I hung myself. To my dismay the old rope I used snapped and broke and I had once again failed. **** *** drunk at the time I stumbled into the house and passed out crying my eyes out in my bed. The next morning was Sunday and we were getting ready to go to church. We were headed out when we passed the church. I knew than where they were bringing me. Against my will I was brought to the hospital and put back in to the psych ward. I was covered in wounds and I was angry. But I had no choice. Of course I knew all the staff already and most grew to really like me so when it came to searching my stuff they did a really lazy job. I had managed to sneak in razors, knifes, broken glass, weed and a pipe and lighters and paperclips. One day the nurse walked in on me hurting myself and right away they searched my stuff and found all I had been hiding. They soon found out as well I was giving weapon to other patients so they could self-harm. I immediately was put into lock down and lost all my rights. I had only a hospital gown to wear and couldn’t go much further then my room. By this point as well my rents took everything away from me. I was forbidden to see any of my friends because my parents thought they were al bad. They took away my phone and my ipod plus much more. I had never been that low in my life. I had decided I was going to try and take my life once more. I did the mistake of telling a fellow patient who told the nurses and I was confined to my room. The things I saw in the psych ward will haunt me for the rest of my life. The rest of the time I was in there looked very similar to this. Finally after two months of being on suicide watch I was finally good enough to leave the hospital. By that point school had ended and the summer had started. I had gone to months without doing any drugs. As soon as I got out I continued with the drugs. I got a job and started smoking weed at work as well. I continued to self-harm. And my OCD and depression continued. The summer went by pretty quick an now I’m in grade twelve but technically I still haven’t finished grade ten or eleven now. I am now confined to my house and am not allowed to see anyone. I continue to do drugs and self-harm. My family and my relatives despise me and look at me like that mental freak. Two week ago my cousin had asked me to smoke weed with her for her first time and I agreed. We had smoked some and she wasn’t feeling anything so she asked me to add another drug to it so I added cyclone. She had a bad trip and started screaming that she was dying. Before I could grab her she took off to the house and ran inside. Of course I chased after her. I got into the house and by this point she told my sister everything and she had called my parents. My cousin sat there rocking back and fourth and all of a sudden took her phone and called 911. An ambulance came and assured her she was fine but just having a bad trip. I had to give up 500 $ worth of drugs to my parents. The next day my rents called the police and A drug dog came and searched my entire property. My cousin is now forbidden to see me, not that she wants too. I have been clean for a week but still battling with my OCD and depression. After that incidence I ripped myself to shreds and am covered in deep wounds that I ended up having to go to the hospital. I am battling my mind and am ready to give up. I don’t care if I die or not.

Of course this is not everything but that would be to much to write. Everything is not in exact order of events but I tried my hardest. I am now 17 and have to convince myself to wake up in the morning. I am self-harming everyday and now have hardly any friends and the friends I did have I have disappeared out of their lives and most think I’m dead. All I want is for someone to care and to love me. I don’t want to be the bad child, which my family despises. I have retreated so deep within myself no one knows who I am anymore. I am lost and am destined to be dead by 18. I need help and am trying as hard as I can. I really am. The only reason I’m still here is I can’t leave my best friend Skipper behind me. I love him to much. Once he’s gone, I don’t know what I’m going to do. But from where I see it, it won’t be pretty.














knifeb4life knifeb4life
18-21, F
1 Response Sep 24, 2012

i was the same way, i was daddys little girl then my nieces came to live with us and now there is no more room for me in his life. my brother is in and out of jail and my mom well.. all she does is yell at us for no reason. and i started self harm i would cut 1 or twice a week maybe up until dec of 2011 my best friend died then all my other friends shunned me and i started cutting over 8 times a day thinking it would help but it didnt it made it worse. all it did was make me sit in my room and do nothing ,i didnt talk to family or friends at all.i am now apart of a project called the butterfyl project for people who self harm message me if you would like to know more. but it has helped ,me soo much i havnt cutt in 5 mounths