I Self Harm. This Is Why

I am a teen in high school and I suffer from anxiety and depression. As a result I battle with self-harm, suicidal thoughts, and anorexia nervosa.
I have had anxiety my whole life and It's kept me from many things I would otherwise enjoy. I avoid social interactions as much as possible and do not know very many people.
In october of last year I was (unwillingly) hospitalized for self harm and spent a week in the psych ward. Less than a week after being discharged I tried to kill myself. It was my first ever attempt at suicide. I was in therapy and psychiatry and have been on medication for anxiety. However, my treatment only lasted a maximum of three weeks. I do not wish to seek help again until I am an adult.
Over the past three or four months I have taken on a paranoid pattern of thinking and find it difficult to trust people. Every night without fail since being out of the hospital I experience an anxiety attack. Throughout the day the attacks are subtle and random unless triggered by a specific event.
However, I believe my depression was caused by a series of events throughout my life. The first being the loss of my only childhood friend. The first year of middle school I began to self harm. In seventh grade my self esteem dropped due to bullying over my appearance thus resulting in an eating disorder; anorexia nervosa. The same year I began skipping school and my grades dropped from straight A's to F's. In eighth grade my parents seperated. My first day of highschool I was suspended. After that every other week I would be on the receiving end of either a detention or suspension. Most days I skip class or fail to go to school at all, and when I do I sleep through the day. At school I am frequently sexually harassed by my peers. A few months into freshman year I ran away. Because of this I lost most of my friends.
I feel very disposable and rejected by the people around me. It's very hard for me to make and keep friends and I regularly argue with the few I still have. I am constantly in a state of frustration and the stress makes me more irritable and harder to be around. I do not like myself, I feel ugly and I am very insecure, more so now that I have gained some weight over the past few months. I also don't have many cute girl clothes that are long sleeved, which are the only tops I will wear in public because they hide my many ugly scars (a few are still healing and are raised and look like welts). I also have scars on my legs and so I cannot wear shorts. And I feel fat so I tend to wear baggy, un-flattering clothes. It's not exactly a self-esteem booster.
I have avoided self harm in fear of being re-commited to the psych ward despite the overwhelming urge. However, I am now more drawn to drugs, alcohol and cigarettes as a release. My suicidal thoughts are becoming more frequent and are getting to be closer to a reality than a mere idea or fantasy. I often talk down to myself and am more prone to take comments or actions made by others more offensively.
My home life is uncomfortable and my relationship with my family is strained.
Things are getting pretty bad, all I really want right now is to self destruct.
EmmyL EmmyL
18-21, F
2 Responses Jan 5, 2013

You may not want help now, but between here and adulthood who knows what could happen. I've fought suicidal thoughts and the likes since middle school and I'm getting help now. A therapist is good, there is someone supportive to listen to and if need be, drugs are prescribed. I was hesitant to take drugs but they make my life so much easier to manage. Seriously, what you need is uplifting things in life, something to hold onto. Even go to a church if you don't believe or not. People at churches are generally really nice and compassionate people. Give it a shot

would like to help you please find something positive to hold onto and love yourself for the special person i know you are love you from angelrose