Destructive

I have a great husband, who I know I'm losing because of my ways. I am a depresive person, I have self esteem issues. I suffocate him, I think he cheats on me. I accuse him even though I've never found any evidence. He's starting not to care.

Since I was young my mother used to tell me that I was never going to be happy if I don't change my ways. My ex husband told me the same thing. And yes, current husband too. I can't be happy. I wont be happy. And when I start to feel happy I start thinking that somehow it is not gong to last.

I started self mutilating a few months ago. My real intentions is to cut myself "accidentaly" so I don't feel so bad when I slowly die. The only thing that keeps me from taking my own life is my son. He's  a few months old. And I know that will affect him for the rest of his life.

I hurt myself because it keeps me calm. it reminds me why I'm still alive. It feels good because it hurts outside and not inside. Sometimes I can't stop myself. I keep going for for a while thinking it's wrong but I still do it. My husband doesn't know I do this. He knows I've wanted to die but not that I hurt myself.

I make no difference on noones life. I have no friends, my family and I are not very close and my husband has told me he wants nothing to do with me. But my baby...

I don't know if I want to stop hurting myself. It keeps me from breaking expensive things and punching the walls. maybe it's a good thing.