I Don't Know What To Do Anymore

My name is Hayley. I'm 17 and I found out I had depression about 2 years ago. I also have OCD and anxiety. I used to be pretty happy, but it seems like it goes downhill every year. I used to be fit. I used to weigh about 142. Now I'm 189. I'm 5'5" and I'm not pretty. I have friends and family, but that doesn't do much. I like anime, music, and fantasy. I've never really been good at anything except drawing. My drawing skills haven't improved since 8th grade, so I can't say I'm that great anymore. Most days I feel like lying in bed for hours. I don't get excited much. I've never had a boyfriend, because I don't trust people. With my friends and I, it's just one punchline after the next. There's no deep conversation. I love them, but they could do without me. I give all my things away. I give money and other possessions to people I don't even know or like. I feel like nothing I do in this life is ever going to matter. Why am I even here? There's no reason for me to be here. I can't do anything. I can't make a difference. I gave up excersizing because I'd figure it doesn't matter how fit your are. We're all gunna die some day. I don't know what I want to do with my life. I have interests, but I'm not interested in anything enough to make a career of it. I don't see myself living past 30. I don't want children. I'm also stubborn and shy. I don't interact well with people. I feel like their on a different wavelength than me. I wouldn't kill myself, because I'm too afraid of death. I love animals more than people. I love my grandma, and she doesn't deserve what I put her through. My life is great. Too bad I can't enjoy it. I get good grades in hopes that maybe in the future I'll be happy. I'll look back and be glad I did good in school. I have a feeling that won't happen though. People would never guess that I'm depressed. They say I look happy and friendly. They don't know how wrong they are. I get bad thoughts from my OCD. For example, a thought might pop up about hurting my cat. But I love my cat. I'd never hurt her. I have no motivation for anything. The prom is coming up, and I'll have to buy a big dress to cover up my fat. I want to be fit, but it's useless. I don't have dreams or beliefs anymore. I have morals, but they're slowly slipping away. I'd never hurt anyone, though I've had my bad experiences with people. I don't have hope for changing. If I changed, it would be a miracle. However, I'm too stubborn to want to change. I'm stuck in my well of depression with no way out. Depression is my ship, and like a captain, I'll go down with it.
narutofangirl narutofangirl
18-21, F
1 Response Jan 15, 2013

I'm a lot like you. I have a bunch of problems and I want to get over my depression I want o be how I used to be but I feel like I will never be like that I feel like I'm destined for misery and Depression. I feel like my friends will leave me my family will leave me and that the only thing left is me alone with nowhere to go lost in my depression. I don't know if you found help or did something but if there is something I would like to know.