Where to Begin`

Do we begin at the first attempt or the latest? I am not writing this to brag about my crazy but to open peoples eyes. I see so many here calling, crying, begging for someone to just "see" them, before it's too late. We all don't necessarily want to die but sometimes it seems the only option when your mind can't get out of the dark.

My own very best friend grew up watching me torture myself with blades, pills, stupid over the top mood swings and although she stuck by me she never really understood... until that is she developed a VERY bad case of postpartum depression. When she finally fought her way back into the world she explained to me how NOW, after all these years, she finally understood.

I'm not wishing depression on anyone but maybe with stories about what we go through, how we feel, what our minds actually do to us, maybe if others read and finally "get it" then maybe more people will have the help they so beg for. Someone to see them before it's too late.

I'm not sure how I've made it this far... tried so many things over the years that I'm sure there is a real angel with a tight grasp onto my ankles holding me down on this earth. I've taken more pills than I can remember, mixing and matching and riping my body apart from the inside out. Of course there were the school days when a razor was my friend and carving the pain away seemed to do the trick. I've walked the proverbial tight rope many a times and even fell off a few, but here I am, alive and breathing just like you. And the fact that I haven't flipped any vehicles as I hit the gas, tears pouring down and eyes closed is just proof that miracles do exist.

Ya see, we don't REALLY want to go but when that puppet master has control of the strings we'll do anything to take him down, even if it means taking ourselves with him.

mysplitpersonality mysplitpersonality
36-40, F
2 Responses Mar 7, 2009

we do what we must just to get by... my comfort is here, i write and hope that it chases it away. <br />
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hugs to you all

Thank You for the heart felt story. I love real people. I too have struggled with despair and just wanted /attempted to stop the pain. Even tho I've chosen meds to maintain, I still live with depression. It's very restricking to be all I can be, but now it's OK. I've learned how to accept it as a way of life.