Bleh...I recently just went through a type of psychosis from antipsychotic withdrawal that i never really needed in the first place (very long story)...anyways...basically I got to the point where i truly believed i was dreaming and could not get out. I almost commited suicide not out of depression or sadness or anything, i just truly that was how i could get out and go back to reality. Obviously i did not do this as I am here today. It took an extrem amount of self talk and logical thinking. I basically told myself that the same laws may apply in this world i'm in. I lived by that. It got me though.
2 days ago after being 100 percent functioning for a week, I started to get sketchy again. Now on my exercise today it was very intense. Confusion set in, thoughts became obsessive. The way everything looked is different. I can't stop thinking about things, people...I feel like there is cement in my head again, tired, jittery, head aches. I started to depersonalize on the walk by reflecting on my existence too much and just the sensation of reality itself and experiencing it. I became TOO self aware. But i was able to distract myself and prevent it. When i was very sick in my previous episode 4 weeks ago, i had it 24/7 basically. Sometimes i could only lay on the couch with the blanket over my head with one eye peaking through the T.V and concentrating on the comedy channel. This depersonalization i think is a bit different and the derealization. It is at the psychotic level. No sense of reality whatsoever. Like i said, i just use my logic and that is my sword against this enemy I am facing. As well as the rest of you.
The worst I had was i was walking on m exercise route that i usually do, i was already pretty f ucked up right, so all of a sudden this jolt of adrenaline goes up my spine. I go into panic, riip off my headphones, count to 15 over and over again in desperation. I felt like i got sucked out of this universe and dimension into another universe that is similar but different. IT was F UCKED UP. Most scariest experience of my life. I literaly was separate from reality at that point (whatever reality was then)...my mind was more real than what i was going through. I saw my arms move and i was moving but like i in a way would tell my body what to do but at the same time it wasn't me. It was like I was 2 feet behind my body and sometimes i couldn't' even feel my body...it would do s hit. When i dreamed i was more in touch with myself than when i was awake.
Now the psychosis is starting again. I think this will be the last round and i should be ok from what i have read. I'm am SCARED
F UCKING SHI TLESS .......................-_-....like i can deal with it, it's just the anticipation and it is just very frustrating because it puts my life on hold and in some ways i forget what it was like 'exactly'. Kinda like when you do drugs and try to remember what the feeling was like, you have a general idea but you can't remember the whole feeling and the subtleties of that experience. F uck.....