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Bleh...

I recently just went through a type of psychosis from antipsychotic withdrawal that i never really needed in the first place (very long story)...anyways...basically I got to the point where i truly believed i was dreaming and could not get out. I almost commited suicide not out of depression or sadness or anything, i just truly that was how i could get out and go back to reality. Obviously i did not do this as I am here today. It took an extrem amount of self talk and logical thinking. I basically told myself that the same laws may apply in this world i'm in. I lived by that. It got me though.

2 days ago after being 100 percent functioning for a week, I started to get sketchy again. Now on my exercise today it was very intense. Confusion set in, thoughts became obsessive. The way everything looked is different. I can't stop thinking about things, people...I feel like there is cement in my head again, tired, jittery, head aches. I started to depersonalize on the walk by reflecting on my existence too much and just the sensation of reality itself and experiencing it. I became TOO self aware. But i was able to distract myself and prevent it. When i was very sick in my previous episode 4 weeks ago, i had it 24/7 basically. Sometimes i could only lay on the couch with the blanket over my head with one eye peaking through the T.V and concentrating on the comedy channel. This depersonalization i think is a bit different and the derealization. It is at the psychotic level. No sense of reality whatsoever. Like i said, i just use my logic and that is my sword against this enemy I am facing. As well as the rest of you.

The worst I had was i was walking on m exercise route that i usually do, i was already pretty f ucked up right, so all of a sudden this jolt of adrenaline goes up my spine. I go into panic, riip off my headphones, count to 15 over and over again in desperation. I felt like i got sucked out of this universe and dimension into another universe that is similar but different. IT was F UCKED UP. Most scariest experience of my life. I literaly was separate from reality at that point (whatever reality was then)...my mind was more real than what i was going through. I saw my arms move and i was moving but like i in a way would tell my body what to do but at the same time it wasn't me. It was like I was 2 feet behind my body and sometimes i couldn't' even feel my body...it would do s hit. When i dreamed i was more in touch with myself than when i was awake.

Now the psychosis is starting again. I think this will be the last round and i should be ok from what i have read. I'm am SCARED
F UCKING SHI TLESS .......................-_-....like i can deal with it, it's just the anticipation and it is just very frustrating because it puts my life on hold and in some ways i forget what it was like 'exactly'. Kinda like when you do drugs and try to remember what the feeling was like, you have a general idea but you can't remember the whole feeling and the subtleties of that experience. F uck.....

-_-
MrJungleMonkey MrJungleMonkey 31-35, M 11 Responses Apr 21, 2011

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Sorry to hear that, I know what you feel. I am a walking corpse. Do you repeatedly awaken all the time like you walk for a long time reach your destination, Then you realise I am here. It feels like new footage is playing in your head. I hate waking up to a 1d world that is 3d in my eyes but is so flat. Do you experience times? Do you have a sense of, this is the afternoon or it is morning? I don't know if i'm gone but I don't feel like that. It is all the same to me. aaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

In my opinion the big difference between a psychosis and a derealization is that the latter is an alteration of reality, the first makes you experience things that are NOT real. <br />
For example: seeing a monster crawling out of the pavement is a psychosis, but seeing that same pavement waving like it was the sea is derealization.<br />
Learning the differences between the two has made a big change in my life, it keeps me from taking meds when I don't need them. Both are horrible to go through, but it does help me knowing what is going on, no matter how scary it all is. It also helps knowing that it will pass at some point.<br />
Depersonalisation is an entirely different story though, it's how you experience yourself, not the world around you. I do think the two are very often linked and the impact is probably very misunderstood.<br />
<br />
I hope you're doing better and manage to deal with the (un)realities in your life.

You have inspired me to get myself back together.im glad to know there are more people out there going throu the same thing.i also got to the point of suicide for the same reason.i get these insane thoughts that im in a dream and the only way out is to "awaken" in other words die.sometimes i begin to draw theorys.stuff like "maybe we are all really dead" or "maybe we are in hell" stuff like that.it has been getting better but not completely.and with my lucid dreaming it is becoming harder to grasp was real and whats not.im so detached i talk to talk without thinking just going throu life without living.i feel you.we all have to try to get better cause we can we have that potential and we deserve to get better.i wish you all the luck in the world

tHaT tYoE oF lAnGuAge wIlL rEaLlY mAkE yOur ShOeS lOoSe

aye! =(

i highly doubt its an awakening......i feel SKETCHED THE F UCK OUT..lol...aye..bleh.....

eYe SaY u r gOiNg IntOO A SpIrItUaL AwAkeEnIng..,,..iF yOu hAvE nOt bEfOrE...,,,,........tHen deW nOt dIsCrEdItE mY dIaGnOsIs.!1!11;""<br />
<br />
iTs wHeN tHee aWaKeNinG tAkEs pLaCe Is wHeN mOsT sEw Is sIdEs tAkE plAcE.

yea but now the derealzation and dP is like 24/7...then i just get like these extra added attcks on top of being f ucked up the whole time...i basically can't even leave my apartment right now, i got these headaches, my brain feels like its filled with cement...just sketched out t o f uck....-_-....like i just donj't understand what is going on..like my shrink said it WAS a type of psychosis right...but at the same time from everthing i've read this is a bit different....it's like what you have but more psychotic....i dunno..its f uckt man...thanks for the advice :)

heh, true, at the start i find it hard and then i kinda get into it..its weird..anyway...hmm, how ideal with it..you know, i dont really know lol O_O well i mean, i do meditation, to clear my mind, and centre myself that ussually helps me.<br />
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one of the important things to know though, is that you are crazy, and neither am i. what we have doesn't make us insane or whatever, lol, and it can't grow to be something more. so i hope that does help you..

u just did describe it...heh......how do you deal with it though???????

i understand, i suffer from depersonlization, i can't really explain what my feelings or expreinces are like, but they feel completely detached from everything, from me, and i can find no word to describe it. i would get attacks of it too, i would feel completley sure that there was something more to it, that i was in another place, another reality, that, if i could just understand it everything would mkae sense to me at last. i look in the mirror and i see a person that i dont even know, idont feel like i am even real sometimes, i just simply..am not there at all..i am sorry, i can't describe what it is like as well as you can. <br />
<br />
i wish you luck in your struggle with this. i understand excatly how you feel.