To Pick...or Not To Pick...that Is The Question.

Ah well, if only I could even ask myself this question before I literally dig in to my skin and mutilate my body...and I dream of the day that digging my nails in to my skin is a simply a choice, rather than an inevitable toxic ritual. A simple choice, where I can think through my actions, you know, "play the tape all the way through" before even touching my skin. Playing the tape through is simply imagining myself picking, feeling guilty, shameful, picking more, telling myself "just one more bump, and then I am done", the bargaining with myself, stuck in the bathroom for over an hour, straight picking, nail marks in my face, chest, etc...bleeding from picking so hard it punctures my skin, causing ugly scabs, scars, and HATE, oh yes, the hate. I begin to then hate myself, and even continually tell myself in my head "Stop it, stop it now, stop, stop, just f***ing stop you FREAK!"...than finally something pulls me out of the trance, I see the overall damage I had just done to my skin, and realize once again that this is an addiction...just like the cutting, drinking, smoking, snorting, and shooting addictions I had fallen so deep in to, and somehow overcame those addictions. Yeah, off that dope, no joke, some say its impossible to kick those habits, people tell me I am so strong to have gotten through all that and come out alive. But I broke through those addictions, began to pick up the pieces of my life that was torn apart at the seams, slowly but surely began to live again...and for what??? To realize that I am now a PICKAHOLIC, PICK-ADDICT, call it what you want, but it blows. I have been struggling bad lately. To the point where I have thought about giving up...which would entail picking my body raw, so that I would be covered in scabs, nail marks, refuse to leave the house because I would look so scarred and disgusting like a freak. Oh, Lord, just take this demon away from me, I beg of you...
Genna4 Genna4
22-25, F
2 Responses Sep 21, 2012

I have the same problem and feel the same way. So many times I feel like a prisoner in my own body! I have realized that stress makes it 1000 times worse. I had cut back so much over the past 6 months or so and it felt like I had control over it, although sometimes the temptation was a struggle. But now **** started going wrong in my life and I am sitting here with scabs all over my face. Now its the time to make a conscious choice again to control this demon. Idk if the day will ever come when I wont be tempted, but I know if I try my hardest I can control it and not let it get out of hand. It starts with trying to cut the stress out of your life, and the urge wont be as bad. Also something that has helped me tremendously are the products from and I am talking especially about the treatment gel. It helps dry up and heal the damage fast and helps with pimples and blackheads. When i see my skin getting better I am motivated to stop or at least keep it under control. Looking in the mirror, I need some ASAP myself. I know how shameful it is, but we are hurting inside and this is our way of expressing it unfortunately. If you beat those addictions I believe you can beat this too. Good luck and I hope this helps :)

just stop doing that and everythng will be ok