I Have Dermatillomania
Hey guys, I'm 15, and you can call me Jess. Ever since I was a kid, I've picked my skin to take away the pain I was feeling. It was hard for me to make friends, since it seemed like no one understood me. I always got made fun of, and was always pushed away.
I lost my father when I was in fourth grade, and my mother and I aren't very close. I realized it was then I started to really pick at my skin, and force myself to feel the pain. It really was like a relief to me,and even though it looked disgusting, I couldn't stop it. And here I am today, still a picker, and struggling to get over this problem. I know I'm growing up and I don't want this to stick around forever, you know?
It's a nasty habit, I know. But it seems like the only thing that comforts me when I'm upset. I used to be a cutter, but the "picking" it just an easier way to escape from feeling this bottomless pit of sadness. Even though I have my boyfriend here to support me, he gets worried because this just consumes me from my activities. I have tried to talk to people about it, but you can see the obvious uninterest in their eyes.
This is quite hard for me, since prom is coming up in March, and I want to look my best. I look around at these people every day, and they don't know what it's like to go through this like the rest of us. Yeah, they may have problems, but usually those are easily covered up. With all the scars and scabs I have, it's not that simple.
I know I'm not like others around me. (That may sound conceited, but I'm not going to hide who I am.) -- I observe the world around me, almost in a psychological kind of way. And I think that's where I really want to go. The most important part of that is I test MYSELF. It's like I mediate my way through my problem by drawing, singing, and just being active to keep my mind off of it. And even though it slows down, I really can't go one day without picking my skin to oblivion.
I've kept myself strong through a total of almost 8 years with this problem, and now I'm starting to break. School has been harder for me, and I really have no friends right now. I am too focused on my problems and trying to get better. Problem is, the more I focus on getting rid of this problem, the more it comes back.
I know I'm depressed... My boyfriend just holds me close, to the point where I am crying into his shoulder, and releasing all of my emotions ... But he seems okay with that, and just tells me he loves me, to see that smile on my face. Certain things like that are the only things that don't make me feel numb. I get that opening of happiness that I missed in my younger years. -- This is with my grandparents, especially. They make me feel so comforted and protected with this, because they accept it. They will hug me, and tell me it's okay. Sometimes that's all a person needs is a smile and a pat on the back to keep going. I know it really helps me. I know they aren't going to be alive too much longer, and it chokes me up and brings tears to my eyes to know that support will disappear, but I have memories that will never go away. It's like a mental photograph of the things to make me happy to relax my picking.
I may be quite young, and may not know the full world around me, but I am curious and try my best to understand the love and comfort of us humans coming together as one. It was very hard for me to talk about this, but the more I right, the lesser some of this weight comes off my shoulders. I could care less what people think about me, because I am who I am. No one or anything will ever change that. I will keep going strong; there are other people who share the same problem as me and can get and idea of what I'm going through.
I may not be religious, I may have trust issues, I may cry and take my pain out on myself, I may feel alone, I may fight with those around me, I may not be able to reach my goals once in a while because of something holding me back, but I know it's possible. It's possible for all of us to be happy, and to take a deep breath and relax.
Know you're not alone. I found this today, and I now know that as a FACT. Let it all out sometimes, and let yourself be held. It can really help..
I struggle.
I know I'm not alone.
I can be strong.
Even when we both feel blue,
There's always hope for me.
And even more hope for you.
I lost my father when I was in fourth grade, and my mother and I aren't very close. I realized it was then I started to really pick at my skin, and force myself to feel the pain. It really was like a relief to me,and even though it looked disgusting, I couldn't stop it. And here I am today, still a picker, and struggling to get over this problem. I know I'm growing up and I don't want this to stick around forever, you know?
It's a nasty habit, I know. But it seems like the only thing that comforts me when I'm upset. I used to be a cutter, but the "picking" it just an easier way to escape from feeling this bottomless pit of sadness. Even though I have my boyfriend here to support me, he gets worried because this just consumes me from my activities. I have tried to talk to people about it, but you can see the obvious uninterest in their eyes.
This is quite hard for me, since prom is coming up in March, and I want to look my best. I look around at these people every day, and they don't know what it's like to go through this like the rest of us. Yeah, they may have problems, but usually those are easily covered up. With all the scars and scabs I have, it's not that simple.
I know I'm not like others around me. (That may sound conceited, but I'm not going to hide who I am.) -- I observe the world around me, almost in a psychological kind of way. And I think that's where I really want to go. The most important part of that is I test MYSELF. It's like I mediate my way through my problem by drawing, singing, and just being active to keep my mind off of it. And even though it slows down, I really can't go one day without picking my skin to oblivion.
I've kept myself strong through a total of almost 8 years with this problem, and now I'm starting to break. School has been harder for me, and I really have no friends right now. I am too focused on my problems and trying to get better. Problem is, the more I focus on getting rid of this problem, the more it comes back.
I know I'm depressed... My boyfriend just holds me close, to the point where I am crying into his shoulder, and releasing all of my emotions ... But he seems okay with that, and just tells me he loves me, to see that smile on my face. Certain things like that are the only things that don't make me feel numb. I get that opening of happiness that I missed in my younger years. -- This is with my grandparents, especially. They make me feel so comforted and protected with this, because they accept it. They will hug me, and tell me it's okay. Sometimes that's all a person needs is a smile and a pat on the back to keep going. I know it really helps me. I know they aren't going to be alive too much longer, and it chokes me up and brings tears to my eyes to know that support will disappear, but I have memories that will never go away. It's like a mental photograph of the things to make me happy to relax my picking.
I may be quite young, and may not know the full world around me, but I am curious and try my best to understand the love and comfort of us humans coming together as one. It was very hard for me to talk about this, but the more I right, the lesser some of this weight comes off my shoulders. I could care less what people think about me, because I am who I am. No one or anything will ever change that. I will keep going strong; there are other people who share the same problem as me and can get and idea of what I'm going through.
I may not be religious, I may have trust issues, I may cry and take my pain out on myself, I may feel alone, I may fight with those around me, I may not be able to reach my goals once in a while because of something holding me back, but I know it's possible. It's possible for all of us to be happy, and to take a deep breath and relax.
Know you're not alone. I found this today, and I now know that as a FACT. Let it all out sometimes, and let yourself be held. It can really help..
I struggle.
I know I'm not alone.
I can be strong.
Even when we both feel blue,
There's always hope for me.
And even more hope for you.
By:
FindingAnAnswer
Age:
13-15
,
Female
2
responses
