Scarred For Life...

A huge sense of relief rushed over me as i discovered this site. The few friends and family that are aware of my nasty little habit usually are too repulsed to discuss it let alone seek to understand it.  Certainly  feeling like a leper hasn't helped my confidence and resolve to deal with this compulsion. So, finding out that I am not the only one gives me one thing I have not had; hope.

I have memories of picking my skin as a very young child. There is not one discernible reason I started, but it definitely progressed as I got older and life got harder. Now at 45 years old, my face, back and chest have accumulated many scars. Sometimes this fact seems to be the worst part of it all, to know that I am scarred for life and to know that I am the one who did it to myself! Other times I feel the worst of it is the realization that I have wasted countless hours of my life in front of a mirror lost in a void breaking my skin til' it bleeds. I suppose it's much like many addictions because it takes me out of the moment. I escape reality and feel no pain....just a vague numbness and sad state of nothingness.

Many times I swear to myself that I will never to do it again. That resolved rarely lasts.  I realize that until I have truly worked out my emotional problems and learned to value my existence, I will continue to dig into my skin. It frightens me because this has progressed into a harsher form of self-destructive picking. I have gone from using my fingernails to mutilating my body with a pair of sharp tweezers. I shamefully go beyond pulling out hairs into digging deeper and deeper through blood and layers of tissue. Why, why, why!?  Maybe someone can someday tell me. I guess this is a start. Being able to reveal my secret routine of picking for the first time in my life on this page.

I am looking forward to connecting with others through this helpful site. It feels good just to finally know that I am not alone and to know that I can have hope.

cripplehead cripplehead
41-45
1 Response Mar 13, 2010

I feel your pain and you are not alone! I too have promised myself over and over again that I will not do this to myself anymore, only to find myself picking again without even being aware that I was doing it. I am an educated, intelligent person and I know that I can overcome this, but it sure does help to know that I'm not alone. I haven't been to a psychologist in years, but I'm making the call tomorrow. Keep in touch!