I Think I Am, I May Be, I Do What I'm Told All the Time!

I seem to  prefer it when I am not in control. i mean, in the whole of life really..  as long as they do care about me, as long as they are not being bossy and inconsiderate. If they are acting in my best in=terests then that's cool, i like not being in control.. lazy perhaps!!

Oh yeah.. in bed? Well I  suppose i would be more comfortable with being submissive..

oh who am I kidding!

To me sex is all rape. In my mind that's how i make it.. I get horny like anyone. only I wouldn't want to be dominant at all,, coz I always hated that, and guys like that.. and my dad.  and all the weird p0rn he used to watch. I think it's from exposure to p0rn and guilt.. he used to really batter us.. mentally too..

now I just coudn't face actually doing that to anybody,, and yet at the same time, if someone should act in aa sexually dominant way to me.. I would still do anything they want.

I find this disturbing and shameful because i was a very willing victim in the sexual abuse that happened when I was a kid and I always felt i was too willing..

 now I just seem to want the same sort of relationship again...

I have also had some really weird kinky fantasies about this.. about being a willing vctim of all sorts of stuff.. that I would never do in real life obviously.. but I do just about anything I am told..

I don't actually WANT a unbalanced relationship.. I just have a tendency.. It's not entirely welcome! i'd rather be normal.. not criticising anyone as I'd be anyone's if they actually said they wanted me..

I not only like this though...  I mean it's partly guilt over the side of me that does want to be in control.. the side that i am not comfortable with..  becaause of being afraid of being like my father.. i really am still afraid  that I am like him.. even though  i know I am  not..  God..  sometimes I still wonder..

demonizd demonizd
31-35, M
4 Responses Mar 3, 2009

i never really thought of it in this way before. i know i need to explore the whole thing but i'm afraid of what i might find...there's hidden stuff in there somewhere & think it's there for a reason...

It's a difficult one to get out isn't it? I'm glad you shared it here though. That's the start. Well done, I'm proud of you. :)

i never said that before. ever. to anyone.

you are NOT like him. OK?<br />
<br />
I have thoughts of being a willing victim. i don't talk about it though. i don't understand it. i'm not sure i want to.