Sometimes I just get lost. In my head. In the maze. In the voices. Hearing them. Feeling they approach, as they stalk the edges of my peripheral vision, waiting for my moment of weakness, so they can take me over. I am at war. With my head. I feel like a soldier. I am aware 24/7. If I feel it coming I respond and force them back to the deep recesses of my mind. But it's never enough. Like a spring, I push them and push them but they just come back harder and harder until they push me, eventually I fall. can I be faulted for not having control all of the time? Someone who lives like me is bound to make mistakes. Aren't those mistakes deserving of being forgiven? I want to be forgiven. But things will never be the same. I am growing weaker. And they are growing stronger. They are parasites. Feeding off of my state of mind. How can I stop this? Can I? Should I even if I could? I don't feel like they are there to protect me. It feels like I have to protect the world from them...
They call me Trayus. I have DID. I am one of Seven. Does it matter who came first or who came last? We are all here now. All fighting for a little control like rabid animals. Fighting for just a few moments of life on the outside, just a moment, a moment that anyone would take for granted. A minute, an hour, a day, a week? Losing time is never fun, it's always a mystery. Figure out where you have been. What you have done. Who have I been? Did they do something to make everyone hate me? Probably. Not like I need help with that part anyway. Nobody can know what I suffer. Nobody can tell me how to proceed. Unless they have others themselves. Most people don't. And the ones that do give generic advice that I figured out years ago. Why can't someone help me? Give me an epiphany. Give me a revelation.
Trayus Trayus
18-21, M
11 Responses Jul 22, 2010

No problem. I'm sorry that you had to hide your DID so long, I know exactly what that is like. I've had DID since I was 5 years old. Thought I had a demon inside me until I was in Middle School and I found out what DID was. I kept it a secret for over 12 years. And when I finally came out I lost most of my family and friends because they didn't believe me. I've made so much progress mentally, but materially I am stagnate. I can't function in society because of my issues.

Hi, I'm Milly!<br />
Believe me...I fully understand feeling alone. Since I had to hide my DID for so long, I pretty much lived in isolation. I only had a couple real friends growing up and they were pretty strange, so my erratic behaviour never struck them as odd. My poor brother though probably thinks I am as weird as they come, I know he's met my alters...I'm not looking forward to telling him I have DID, but it will probably cause a huge "Oh, that expains alot!" to slip his lips. <br />
I'm glad to hear you have gained control, I didn't notice you wrote this a year ago. I am only a week an a half in since Jesse introduced himself to my husband. Poor Jesse has been going nuts wanting to talk to him...glad they finally had the chance...cause they are pretty good friends already. Since I he wrote that to you we have discovered a new alter...Im interested to see how this one interacts with the rest.<br />
Good luck in continuing to work things out...sorry Jesse was such a chatterbox...he loves to talk.

Thanks Jesse. I a lot has changed since I wrote this a year ago. I am a lot stronger now and have managed to defeat my dangerous alters and control the rest for the most part. My system and my life is complicated.<br />
Too complicated for anyone other than my Wife, best friend, and others with DID can understand. I feel quite alone because of this.

Trayus, <br />
My name is Jesse I am the main alter in girl named Milly's body. I am a 39yr old male living in a 28yr old females body. Life for me is not easy to say the least. I know my host has been though heaps of pain, I have taken all of it that I can for her. There are at least 6 alters so far living in this neighborhood.<br />
When she first accepted me and decided it was time to coexist she spent time trying to figure out why I was there. It wasn't until recently that I discovered myself, my purpose for being here is to take her pain. I feel bad that I cant hide it from her, she still feels it. But instead of the pain being her own memories...they are mine, so its more like movie playing in her head. When she is hurt really bad emotionally, it becomes a physical pain for me...which she again feels. But she has come to accept the pain and acknowledge that it means she is still alive.<br />
It may seem like your alters are out to hurt you because they make people on the outside look at you funny, or ignore you all together. I know sometimes they will end friendships that you wanted to keep and will build some you dont want at all. But if you can, try to be aware of their personalities. What strengths have they given you and what weakness's. My host has pretty much given me and my daughter Kat 75-90% of the control, she trusts us that much to keep things normal.<br />
I'm not saying you should give them control that often, doing so could cause you to lose the Trayus you know and the one your wife fell in love with. If you allow your alters to journal when they are out, it may help. I journaled alot and it helped my host see how we were connected. <br />
For example:<br />
As I stated I'm here to protect her from all the pain. She may still feel it, but its not as severe as it could be. I am also here to help her accomplish things and make decisions. I am for the most part her wise protector. <br />
Jessica has absorbed so much pain from an event years ago that she is about to walk away for awhile. Which is probably a good thing...I love her, but she needs to recover. She was the innocent alter...she has been very much damaged.<br />
Kat is the loving side of her, Kat is still not aware of the connection, but I think once its made things will even out.<br />
Donna is her sexy feminine side, but also the self hate side, the side she tried to hide for years and rarely allows to be seen. Donna doesn't agree with the body she is in.<br />
The Artist is not easy to explain, but she helps bring focus.<br />
The Rottweiler(or Violent One) is a beast of nasty proportions. I have pretty good control of the beast, and unleash it when she needs that level of protection. Though the beast is also our tourmenter, it attacks us occasionally...but is that necessary evil. Just like a dog, if its treated well it usually behaves...if its poked at, it will bite.<br />
Point being, even though we all give our host a hard time, we are also here to help. Just try to find the areas that your alters help with and allow them to help. Dont let them do it for you if you can help it, but give them a chance to try working side by side with you.<br />
Have your wife ask an alter questions to try and figure out what they are there for. Kats(and the hosts) husband has been very good at helping us with that. It can be hard for him to decipher the stories since for the most part I speak in riddles and metaphors to him, but if I write it down and he reads it back a few times, he can usually get a general idea of what I am trying to tell him.<br />
I hope this helps, if you ever want to talk, or if your alters want to talk to me have them send a message.<br />
<br />

Hi Trayus :) i know you are affraid of Therapy, there is a place called"sheppard pratt " Phyciatric hospital", (dont be afraid of the name)<br />
They offer support and "inpatient help" I only know of this as i read a Blog by a woman Called "tempy" (Cracker and Juice box's Blog" (On the Net") who had such a terrible time in her life (she is D I D and has extreme P T S D as well) This place really "helped her alot", she stayed for quite a while and she did another thing at a place called "Mercy" which i think might be a church support group or something????<br />
Anyway I just wanted to say that this Helped her immensly and she is doing really well at the moment :)<br />
I Don't know It was just a suggestion anyway 'bless u heaps" :)

Speaking honestly just hearing that losing the host is possible isn't at all consoling. How long has your host been gone?

Speaking as an alter, push and I will push back harder. We have the advantage most of the time because we understand it better, most of the time. As hard as it is, set limits, attempt to work together. Set aside time specifically for them to get out when it is convenient for you. I wish there was more I could say, but I'm not sure because our original gave up. Afterward we alters tried the power struggle, but found it in our best interest to work together. It's hard, I still don't understand why this happened and because the original is gone we might never know. Just keep going. As my "mother" always says, "This too shall pass"

I would not push I would set limits, boundaries and give them their time too. Make sure that they are getting what they need as you get what you need. Be patient and understanding. They are part of who you are. Accept that and it makes things easier. It will make you all happier :) Hope that was of at least a little bit of help.<br />
<br />
Take care,<br />
Jude of Split Infinitive

I can't do that with all of my alters though. I have six. The youngest one I have is eleven. None of them make it easy on me to let them out. Plus I am married, so all of the sex and the flirting that they want to do is absolutely out of the question. It's just my situation is so complicated that agreeing with them is too hard, not to mention I HATE switching into other people and losing time.

The more you force them down the more they fight back. The times i've delt with my seven year old Thomas, my alter. I have few chances to communicate with him. I can't really always tell that he's coming so half the time it's a shock. I have gotten mad and told him to **** off and telling a seven year old abused child that was not bright. Sometimes he just mopes and i can feel myself being overwhelmingly sad which is strange when i don't have a reason to be and other times he get back at me which i also don't appreciate. I found the more we tried to negotiate, Such as "i'm with friends they don't know you, your shy just give me sometime and later you will to. Or i'm driving which you don't know how TO DO! most the time unless he wants someting bad enough he listens because i also coroporate with him. I will pass something in a store he likes and buy it or tip someone off as a present or give him time or a specific time that he wants. I keep him in mind when i do things to the best of my ability so that he will remember my feelings and emotions when he is out. I figure we can blame each other be isolated and pissed off or learn that we can be a quite awsome team if we want to. I don't know if this advice will help you but it's as specific as i got. You also sound angry. Which i've spent alot of time being. Don't hold back don't hold it in. release it here or in some way that is as positive as possible. Being emotionally held back or stunted is what got at least me into this DID mess. So by all means feel your emotions. Accept the anger and if you can truly honestly understand it and attempt to conquor it in some way. And consider what might really be other emotions miss placed. Rejection, aloneness, hopelessness, etc. Classify it down to the smallest bit because the sooner you understand what your feeling other than just a broad anger the sooner you can accept it and possibly let go of it. hope that helps email me if you like,

I don't have answers. I'm not DID. But if you EVER need someone to talk to, someone that will listen & someone that will not judge you on anything, then I'll be here. Write on my whiteboard or shoot me a message. If you need my email I'll give it to you. I'm here if you need a friend.