We're Not Sure Where To Go From Here

Hey I'm new to the site and I've just recently found out and accepted that I have D.I.D. I've spent about two years going in and out of counseling and mental institutions where no one really could give me answers. They told me that I was narcissistic and bipolar. I don't know too much about DID but now that I'm aware I'm starting to feel some relief that others share similar experiences and symptoms. My mother has really helped me come to see my alters (Jack, Garret, and Phillip). understanding my alters completely different functions and personalities has helped me to understand the bipolar misdiagnosis, and the narcissism from Jack, and the issues that we have caused upon my family.

To skip ahead to my questions....

My mother wants me to start working towards integration now that I can understand my disassociation but I'm having a few problems and fears. She believes that our "separation" is largely due to sexual abuse she believes happened in my early childhood and to how my Dad raised and treated me. Now, I love my Dad completely but as I'm starting to fill in some gaps in my memory (my childhood is a complete blur and I barely remember anything about it) my mom is showing me how he had somewhat "brainwashed" me as he did to her. The problem is that I fear trying to go any deeper because our entire lives were built upon my Dad. Jack practically worships him and tends to act out his negative traits. Garret sees him in a more human light but doesn't ever talk to him. Phillip fears that my Dad may have had some part in the sexual abuse. None of us want to get deep into the water due to the fear of our entire life being shattered around us. There are also other traumatic events in my life that I have little or warped memory of and honestly we're afraid to even begin down the path. My whole existence was unsure to me until the diagnosis at which point I gained some hope and clarity but I want to ask, is it wrong for us not to want to integrate?
I just recently found my third alter, Phillip, and he too fears looking into those memories that I'm not sure are even there anymore.
At the same time I fear for my girlfriend, who I love very much. I had read some other stories on here about how partners become fascinated with our problems. We feel so grateful just to have someone believe us and care for us but we don't want to hurt her. Phillip is very sexual and socially awkward and feels put off by my girlfriends sexual advances but Jack is almost sexually deviant (which I'm guessing both are contributed to sexual abuse). Also Jack is very narcissistic, and loves himself completely but is extremely insecure. I think my girlfriend knows me best for Garret (who is a more calm and loving, selfless person) although she says she sees who I truly am (all of us I suppose). But when I switch (which I'm just starting to explain to her) to Jack, we get hyper sensitive and generally act like a jerk. I think she was more comfortable assuming I was bipolar because it is a little easier to understand but now that she's dealing with all of us I don't know if she can handle it. I love her and if we have to integrate for her we will but I'm conflicted on what to do.

Also my final problem, is who is the host? My real name is Jordan but I don't know which personality is Jordan's or who is in control. I'm trying to dig and find him but I don't know who is more real. I'd say that Jack is the most prevalent as of late but Garret was a few weeks back. I'm Phillip today but who is Jordan? Is Jordan his own alter or is he just a combination of all of my alters? Sometimes we think Jack is actually the host and that Jordan is an alter but I'm not sure anymore. I feel somewhat distant from my very existence to be honest.

Also a random question that might have nothing to do with DID but I'm curious...
We constantly have random aches and pains, especially with Jack. He always believes he's sick in some way.
Do you think this is a separate issue or is it tied to DID?

Any advice or personal experience sharing would be much appreciated!
Thanks so much
jackspeiffer jackspeiffer 18-21, M 4 Responses Dec 23, 2010

Your Response


Integration doesn't have to be the goal, but functioning together needs to be.

As for us; we will NOT integrate..... Just Sayin'....

Integration doesn't have to be the goal, but functioning together needs to be.

As for us; we will NOT integrate..... Just Sayin'....

Hi guys,

We're in the same boat and can empathize with many of the problems you're facing. Right now there are three or four of us; different genders, too.

On your question about integration: I'd say do what you feel most comfortable with. My boyfriend thinks that integration is probably for the best, but like you, we all fear it. Most therapy available for people with DID involves facing each traumatic event you've experienced, and I know that none of us are ready to make that step. It's just too scary.

As for the aches and pains, ever since our other alters became self aware, we've gotten intense aches in our upper back and shoulders. I'm not sure at all, but this is our theory: our boyfriend came back from Peace Corps service with PTSD related to a bad trip and weed. Every time any pot-related words were even mentioned his body would tense up severely in the shoulder and neck areas. We think that since DID is closely tied in with trauma, that switching between alters or thinking about traumatic events causes these aches.

That's our two cents, we wish you the best of luck. :)

It doesn't matter who the host is anymore Jordan. Don't worry about it, let me explain to you. There is as much a possibility that you are the host as there is the possibility that the actual host went to sleep a long long time ago while the abuse was happening.

However, if you are mostly in control than you are the one that the alters and your collective subconscious has chosen to bare life right now in the ope world, embrace that. You are all autonomous and none of you are any less than the other, that means that you all need to think about and love eachother. D.I.D give a new meaning to "love your neighbor as you do yourself" think of it inside your head in terms of "Love your neighbor, they are yourself."

While you keep that in mind you will begin to understand that a host is unnecessary and is just a term for the most active personality.

The afflictions with the personality Jack is most likely connected to the D.I.D. people with D.I.D often discover that they have strange symptoms such as head aches, dizziness, tunnel vision, weakness, numbness, or post traumatic stress disorder symptoms. I would try and search for the cause of Jacks sickness, asking jack why he feels sick, or when he has felt sick before. You need to let them open up because those personalities are holding some very deep troubling problems, in my opinion it isn't fair to make them carry that forever without getting it out in some sort of therapeutic way even if it's not or is professional help.

I myself suffer from affliction symptoms such as tunnel vision, dizziness, temporary blindness, panic attacks, forgetfulness, compulsions. It's rough but everyone has their problems they must over come. I have come a very very far way without a huge amount of people knowing about my disorder and without an extreme amount of aid. I'm in college and receive good grades and so don't give up hope, you'll do fine in life even with this disorder that might feel like it's holding you back.

For more information on my experiences I have written many stories about my alters and about experiences here on this site. You are welcome to read them and place comments, i love comments ..they make me feel respected and thought of. Anyways, i hope this helps.