Post
Experience Project iOS Android Apps | Download EP for your Mobile Device

Bad Day

we are really struggling not to hurt ourself right now.

we want to soooo badly. we won't.  we can't.  it's not
allowed.  the protectors have a rule.  noone can harm
themselves, each other, or the body.  when the protectors
set a rule we all have to follow it whether we want to or
not.  and right now we don't.  we want a break.  we
want to feel better even for a few minutes.  we want to
ease the tremendous tension that is boiling out of us.

but we can't.  we are trying to distract ourselves as
much as we can.  we are watching teen wolf from the
beginning on netflix.  we ate ice cream.  we are listening
to musiic we like while we write this.  but nothing is
enough.  

God....I want to run.  run and run and run...barefoot
through the woods.  I want to go and go and go and never
have to stop.  and my damn leg hurts so bad that it is
brining my to tears just laying in my own freakin bed.

we are falling apart.  and it's not good.

we have two poems on self harm.  they are short and simple

the second one is graphic.  please take care of yourselves.












6:30 PM                            3/26/93

     Hold me tight.
     Let me out.
     Let me live.
     Let me rage.
     Let me burn.
     Don't let me go.

     I am so alone.
     I ache with such a void.
     Hold me tight.
     Kiss and bite.
     Pound and pummel.
     Hurt me.
     Hold me.
     Make me real.

---------------------------Storyteller '93



-----------------------------------------------

6:45 Pm                             3/26/93


      Fear.
      Desperation.
      Thoughts of destruction.
      Knives.
      Big and sharp.
      Slicing through my skin.
      Across my arm.
      Across my leg.
      Slice to the bone.
      Scrape across the bone.
      The feel of the slice.
      Would bring release.

-----------------------------Storyteller '93

------------------------------------


hmmm....aparently we wrote them one after the other.

Must have been a bad day.

Thanks for reading.  Sorry to be a downer.

Truth_Speaks
TruthSpeaks71 TruthSpeaks71 41-45 3 Responses Aug 19, 2012

Your Response

Cancel

As I was reading your post it sounded so familiar. As if I or an alter could have been writing themselves. Only I do have alters that don't seem to want to follow rules. They self harm to ease their pain for the moment or to take their mind off what's upsetting them. I am hoping they start loving themselves and realizing that they have a therapist who wants to help and they need to start trying to trust her judgment and not just want someone to hold them and share their experiences with.

I understand how difficult this is for u. Accept the fact when u can what value their is in having the alter system. That does not mean it wont feel horrible. In time w ur effort u will gradually get better. Your alter system served you well in the past when necessary. Current it is so protuctive it preserves in response not to present but stress levels , triggers that were used then. Healing and love will help

Sent w love and care

It seems as if I could have wrote this. I used to burn myself with boiling water but for some reason it wasn't satisfying me like it use to then I decided to heat a knife up and press it onto my arm and it didn't feel that hot but it caused a second degree burn on my arm. I had an appointment with my psychiatrist coming up and I had this huge blister on my arm that was going to be difficult to hide from her. I knew if she saw it that she could have me committed to a mental hospital so I called and cancelled my appointment for a different week. I burst the blister but it looks really bad. I hope she doesn't ask to inspect my arms. I managed to change the subject the last time I met with her and she asked about if I still self harm. I still have a strong urge to self harm but I am trying my best to fight it since I know I have to see her in two days. I think I feel I need to do it because I often feel like I am not real or that I am in a coma and dreaming everything. I may be doing it because I am used to being abused and it feels weird to me to not feel torture. It could be that I feel filthy from all the sexual abuse or it could be all the above. I just know I don't know how to adapt to a normal way of living. I feel so alone even with everyone in my head. I try to do things that everyone would enjoy doing to satisfy everyone so they can shut up, sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. Nothing ever seems to be enough no matter what I do.

offers safe hugs. I'm sorry you are struggling so much. you can get through it. you can fight the urges and the need to self harm. all the reasons you listed sound very real. maybe you can try asking if anyone inside can help make sure the body doesn't get hurt. you might be surprised at the response.

please take good care. you can get through. moment to moment, breath to breath. we are pulling for you.

Truth_Speaks

Thank you Truth_Speaks. I am trying to find other ways to cope. I try to go out in public even though there are a lot of triggers out there. I feel like if other people are around me then I am least likely to self harm. I hope I can maintain that until I can think of something else to do. I like photography but I don't do it anymore because of the flashbacks, they distract me. I am always worried about another attack if I have my camera out trying to focus on something else that some man will come up behind me again and hurt me. I am thinking of attempting therapy again but I definitely don't want another male therapist. I am scared of being judged but I may have to overlook that just to get some peace in my mind. Hopefully I can continue to keep from self harming myself, it has been a week so far. I started to do it again today but a voice in my head told me not to do it because I am only making things worse for myself. I found it within myself to listen. Thanks again for encouraging me.

Hello again.

I am very glad to hear that you were able to stop yourself from self-harming today and grateful that one of your insiders was able to help you. You are not alone. Inside or out. Noone here is going to judge you...and if they do, well they're not in the right place. this is a place for support.

as for therapy: read this story, http://www.experienceproject.com/stories/Have-Dissociative-Identity-Disorder/2502856#comment_8299964

it was written by a dear friend of ours longfang2 (who commented below). In my comment, I discuss in detail our experience of looking for therapists. we are happy to try and help you if you wish. also, if you are not comfortable with a man, simply ask for a woman, same goes for any other criteria. try to remember that you are the consumer, you are the client. the therapist is providing you a service, and just like any other service provider it is your right to choose the one best for you. Kind of like, if you don't like the clothes in a certain store, or they don't fit you, you just go to another store. *shrug*

As for the photography, it may sound strange, but have you thought about possibly standing with your back to a wall or some other large solid object. that way noone could come up behind you. just a thought.

Please continue to take good care of yourself. you're doing great.

Truth_Speaks

You are right, the therapist is working for me. I am paying them so I don't get why they act like I have to do whatever they say or else. The next therapist I go see I am going to make sure that is clear by saying I am interested in hiring a therapist so they know that I am their source of income and I don't have to allow them to force me into anything that makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe. I also like the idea of making sure my back is against something like a wall to take a picture. That would be less stressful. Thanks for the great helpful advice and link. ((hugs))

You are so no alone. I too struggle with the same things. I hate that you are struggling but it is comforting to know there are others out there like me despite me feeling so alone, different, and abnormal.

2 More Responses