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Jaqueline's Story

 

My name is Jaqueline. I am around 16 years old and have
been for a very long time.  I am one of the vast many
in the system that goes here by Truth_Speaks.

Recently, in emails, a very good friend of ours here on
EP has been talking about feeling like things were her
fault, that she had been betrayed by her body because
her body responded in a normal, natural way like girl's
bodies are designed to do when stimulated in certain ways.

This is an issue that many survivors struggle with.  I
wanted to share my story here in the hopes that it might
help her, as well as be helpful to other survivors.

I don't know exactly what I'm going to say here, so I
hope it's appropriate and at least a little bit helpful.
So, please bear with me.  This is the first time I've
tried to write myself, anywhere really.  The others had
started to write my story to her privately, but then the
email disappeared and I decided to try myself.

*Sigh*  Takes a deep breath...Ok, so first I need to tell
you that this system was sexually abused by the body's
father starting we know for sure with oral rape at the
age of 18 months old.  Whether he did other things before
that, we don't know.  The youngest kids we've met inside
are 18 months old.  Becca and her twin (the sad scared
little in the crib).  Becca is a happy and bubbly 18 month
old who is mostly preverbal but babbles almost non-stop
whenever she is out.  She got the good end of things.
Her twin got the bad end.  We don't even know a name for
her.  she is alone in a big dark room with nothing but a
crib in the middle of it.  With her, on her stomach I think,
in the middle of the crib with a little blanket covering
her.  She took the abuse.  So far we haven't been able
to reach that little one, to give her love and comfort and
find out what she had to endure.

Ok, sorry for getting off track.  The father started taking
us to "the basement" which is where the ritual abuse took
place when the body was 3.  The horrors we lived through
from than on is almost unspeakable.  Though of course, if
we don't speak it, they maintain the power.  If we don't
speak out, than people continue to believe it doesn't
happen, and nothing changes.  It won't ever stop.  So, we
speak.  We tell.  The RA we went through was not Satanic,
as far as we can tell, it was mostly the "left-hand path"
of paganism (the dark, evil, harmful side) probably with
elements of Jewish mysticism thrown in.

The people in the basement knew we were multiple, and
through various methods were able to intentionally create
people for their own purposes.  I was one of those that
they created.  The created me for one reason and one
reason only.  To be a child prostitute for their benefit.
It's only been in the last couple months that we've been
able to use that term for it, but that's what it was.  
Sexual abuse of our system/body was a common part of the
ritual abuse, but I was created for something more than
just garden variety sexual abuse by the people in the
basement.  They made me specifically with the purpose of
sexually satisfying any man they wished me to.  Some of
these people were people that they wanted something from,
some were people they wanted to blackmail, some were
members of the cult, or members of a connected cult from
another area who were "visiting" for whatever purpose,
some were people they wanted to reward.  Some were young
boys they were trying to indoctrinate.  I wasn't generally
told the reasons.  Wasn't generally told the names.  
Just taken whereever and told what to  do, if they wanted
something specific.  The threat was always there that if
I didn't satisfy the guy,they would kill us, or sometimes,
they would kill someone else and it would be my fault.

They first created me, and started training me, when the
body was 7 years old.  I did what I was told.  I did what
I was created for, what I was trained for.  And that's all
I ever did.  It was all I ever knew.  And I was good at
what I did.  I always successfully satisfied whoever they
sent me too.  Well, I basically believed that my only
purpose was to have sex.  That that was all I would ever
do.  All i would ever be.  No one would ever want me for
any other reason.  

Like I said, I was good at what I did and the men weren't
the only ones who enjoyed it.  I did too.  This doesn't
make me a bad person.  Or sick.  Or disgusting.  Or
whatever.  Though I have thought that many times.  I enjoyed
it because that's how  bodies respond, and beyond that,
I enjoyed it because that's how I was designed.  When the
men preferred someone who would fight, someone who was
scared, or that they wanted to force, they sent someone
else.  Someone else in our system.   I was doing the only
thing I knew how to do.  And I had no choice in the matter.
I didn't want to be doing what I was doing.  Even though
I thought I did at the time.  That was the only way I could
survive.  And the only way I could ensure that the body
survived and that they wouldn't kill anyone else.  (a
situation that was unfortunately not uncommon in the
basement).  So, I grew up thinking I liked doing this.
Enjoying it fully physically at least, and not really
letting myself think about it beyond that.  Not until we
were fully beyond their control in our early twenties.

At that point, I basically lived in stasis inside since
I wasn't "needed".  And I never believed I could have
any kind of life beyond pleasing men for the benefit
of the cult.  I had no concept of who I was beyond that.
No likes, no dislikes, no hopes, no dreams.  Never believed
that anyone would want me for anything other than being
someone they could ****.  Pardon the vulgarity, but that's
what the situation was.

I stayed in stasis for about 6 or 7 years.  That's when
our system got involved with the system we were married
to for 14 years.  They were very abusive to us, but we
didn't realize it at the time.  I met a man in their
system (well, he was also about 16).  We started out
having sex.  Just like with anyone else.  Only he wasn't
like everyone else.  Like all the others I had been
forced to be with.  He was someone I chose to be with.
That's not something I ever expected to happen either.

He had been created in system also for the purpose of sex
though in his case, it was only with his main abuser, and
not as a prostitute.  We had a very active and satisfying
sex life, yes.  But we had much much more than that.  
We talked.  We watched movies.  We ate meals together.
He helped me believe that I was more than just a sex object.
That I was an actual person.  That what I had done had
been forced on me and not my choice.  That I enjoyed it
because I was created to enjoy it, trained to enjoy it.  
It didn't mean I was bad or sick or anything else.  He
helped me figure out what I liked and what I didn't, not
just in bed, but in life.  He held me when I cried about
what had been done to me.  He reinforced over and over
again that it wasn't my fault and that it wasn't all I was.
He held me and talked me through it when I cried in fear
for being noticeably turned on.  For making noise during
sex.  For having an ******.  Telling me it was ok to enjoy
sex when it wasn't forced.  and it didn't mean that's
all I was.  I know I'm repeating myself.  I'm sorry.  He
sat through my anger and rage at what they had done to and
what they had done to the rest of the system, and to the
other children.  He helped me deal with/work thorough a
lot.  He loved me.  For all of who I was, not just
because we had sex.  He was my husband.  We lived together
inside, took care of some of the inside kids together.  

He wasn't perfect.  He was sometimes manipulative.  He
cheated on me at least once by having sex with other
people, other bodies than ours, without talking to me
about first.  Without getting my permission first.  And
it didn't really feel like I had a choice when he did ask
for permission.  But still, I loved him.  God, I loved
him so much.  And I lost him.  I can never see him or
speak to him again.  We figured out (with the help of the
system's current spouse, and their boyfriend) how abusive
the relationship between the systems was.  And that was
it.  The safety of the system comes first.  I lost my
husband because the systems separated.  A lot of us lost
our partners.  There were probably between 20 and  50
individual relationships between the systems.  Most of
them not at all abusive.  But we all lost our partners,
our parents, our kids.  It makes me angry sometimes that
I had to lose the only good thing that had ever happened
to me in my life, but there wasn't even a question.  And
even if I had been given a choice, I would have done the
same thing.  I had to protect the rest of our system, just
like I did every time I slept with someone for the people
in the basement.

I still miss him terribly, and it will be a very long time,
if ever before I get involved with anyone else.  But
I know now that I am a whole person, and not just a
sex toy.  That I enjoyed what I did, because that is how
bodies are designed.  And that's how I was designed.  Not
because it's what I actually wanted.  And I will always
be grateful to him for that.

So ladies,and gentlemen too, please try to take a lesson
from my life.  Human bodies are designed to respond
with sexual arousal, when they are sexually stimulated.
No matter how old you are.  No matter how old you were.  
Just because your body reacted sexually to what was done
to you, just because you got "turned on" does not mean
what happened was ok.  It doesn't mean it was your fault.
It doesn't mean you wanted it.  It doesn't mean you asked
for it, or any other lie your abused tells you.  All
it means, is that your body reacted the way bodies are
designed to react.

You can expect to have problems sexually if and when
you find someone who you CHOOSE to be sexual with.  But
also know those issues can be worked through.  It's going
to take work.  It's going to be something you will need
help and support to get through.  And if the person you
choose can actually be trusted, they will help you through
it.  If not, they are not the right person for you to be
with.

I am happy to talk to anyone who is having issues with
these things.

I wish the best for you all.  Thanks for bearing with me.
I'm sorry this was so long, for those who read it through,
thank you.

Jaqueline

Truth_Speaks

TruthSpeaks71 TruthSpeaks71 41-45 7 Responses Aug 30, 2012

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What are you talking about when you say "the body?"

I really thought no one else struggled with the shame and guilt of being aroused while being abused. Most of the time I absolutely hated it and had to pretend to be enjoying it, otherwise it would anger him. As you can imagine, this person was the apple of my eye, the only person in the world for me, whether he was evil or not didn't occur to me at the time for more than a few seconds and I would quickly brush it off, feeling like I had no option for a different reality so I might as well be happy in this one.

Your words really helped me to affirm that I'm not as crazy as he's made me feel. I have one question for you, and anyone else that has insight: am I crazy for having suggested doing something sexual with my abuser even though he wasn't pushing me to do it? This happened well into the abuse, after I had completely dissociated from real life, and I had learned that any sexual acts would calm him down and would most of the time guarantee that I wasn't going to get hit that day. I feel like I did it out of self-preservation, and absolutely 100% not because I wanted to. I tried to confront him once and it backfired; he is so manipulative and tells me that I obviously enjoyed it and that I would initiate it at times, proving that he wasn't doing anything wrong.

Thanks again.

Cary.

First, I am very sorry. I thought I responded to this last night. I really did..

Anyway....You are absolutely NOT alone. It is actually not that uncommon. people's bodies are designed to operate in a certain way. Just because you liked it (on a physical level, or even an emotional one) DOES NOT MAKE IT OK. It also DOES NOT MAKE IT YOUR FAULT. No matter what lies your abuser has told you....no matter how he has controlled you and manipulated you, the fact remains that you were a child. And this goes to answering your question too. You asked for things in order to calm him down in order to protect yourself. That does not mean you wanted them or liked them. Honey, you were a child. Even if you were older when you started initiating he had groomed you and twisted your world and your mind from the time you were very young. Even if a child gets all dressed up, propositions an adult, tries to seduce them whatever (not saying that's what you did) It Doesn't Matter. It is never ok for an adult to take sexual advantage of a child. Even if it's entirely the childs idea. The appropriate response from an adult if a child asks for sex is to explain that that is not appropriate between adults and children, that they love them, but will never epress that love sexually. And frankly then try to figure out why the child is offering/requesting in the first place, because chances are they learned it someplace. So no, Cory, you are not crazy, bad, or making things up. We have done more things than I can count to appease the abusers and protect ourself and others as best as we can. None of those things are things we ever would have done if we had ever really been free to choose. The same applies to you. I hope you are not still living with him, If you are, please, do everything you can to get out.

Safe hugs offered,
Jaqueline
Truth_Speaks

Oh, and also, thank you so much for your kind words. It wasn't easy to think about and write all this. I am so grateful that doing so has helped you, and others here.

So, Thank You.

Jaqueline,
Truth_Speaks

Thank you so much. Hearing this from others is truly, truly helpful. I am still living with him but have set a plan to leave in 19 days...counting them down.

I know it doesn't change much but I wasn't a child when this happened, I was a teenager and in my early 20's. The only thing that makes me feel is ashamed that I wasn't strong enough to figure out away to get out of the situation when all the warning signs were right there.

Thanks again. Take great care.

Cary

I wish you everything of the best.
You are stronger than you think or feel and even though you may be scared, do what you plan to do scared and then move forward from there.
I know someone who did and it changed her life so much for the better.
Big safe hugs :)

1 More Response

Wow! Thank you so much for sharing this. I have heard about this before but not in any detail. I am glad you came out of that system and are finding your way to healing.

Would you mind if I hugged you?
:-)

Thank you. And thank you for asking before hugging. Even on the internet, unwanted touch is still unwanted touch. :) Yes, a hug would be fine.

Be well,
Jaqueline
Truth_Speaks

:-) *Hugs*

Thanks for writing this. We are impressed with how cognitive (your mental processes of perception, memory, judgment, and reasoning processes) you are. Our parts are different, but that is a story that we have yet to write. You have really moved forward in your healing and we are sooo proud of you for making so much progress. : )

Well, thank you. Though I don't really feel I have gotten very far. At least, I know I have much further to go. But, this was just my story. Our system is very large (over 2000). We all have stories, but most cannot tell them yet.

It is nice to meet you. We wish you peace with yourselves and each other.

Jaqueline

Hi there Truth speaks 71, i have many friends that are survivors of S R A(ritual abuse) and" cults"; /and "Mk-ultra"; (mindcontrol) My heart just breaks for you all im so sorry for the pain and trauma you all have endurered :( :( from what i have learnt about these things from my survivor friends the "cults" deliberatly "create and shatter" the child into a "mulitiple" through R***** and abuse from a baby sometimes "alters" are created "to be obediant slaves" that is the purpose of S R A :(
If you are in need of support/or need someone to talk to; there is a ministry Called( Overcomers Ministry) on Facebook; im one of the admins in the Group I can add you as there is other survivors there to connect with and support you. God bless you truth speaks 71 :)

Your a SURVIVOR! You will be able to help many others as yourself.

Thank you very much. That means a lot.

Jaqueline

Truth_Speaks

your welcome if you want some support as i said there is a ministry group on Facebook called " overcomers Ministry" (My name on Facebook is ( Felecia van) friend add me if you would like and I will add you Into( Overcomers Ministry group) (if you want to) were you will have support/and people who can be a "safe friends" to support you God Bless you Jacqueline/Truth speaks :):)

I am not exactly sure how u lost him and what u meant by separated and losing parents and kids but thanks for sharing your story. Sometimes I feel like I wish I was one of those girls that enjoyed the rape. Cuz then it is easier to not call it rape. However it is one of the most confusing things to enjoy rape.

i totaly agree, it would make you feel guilty and dirty, but you shouldnt, it is a bodily function to feel pleasure when you are penetrated in certain ways, and you never emotionally enjoyed it

LS - "not exactly sure how u lost him" -> what I understood is that other parts of the system (probably a protector?) saw that the system was being abused and terminated the body's relationship with that person (who had DID).
"and what u meant by separated and losing parents and kids" -> there is complications because the other person had DID or a system. So when the systems from two different bodies interacted many relationships were formed and when these two people were separated, many relationships, including those between young parts and older parts were lost.
Just the way I saw it.

*smiles* Yup. That just about covers it.