My name is Jaqueline. I am around 16 years old and have
been for a very long time. I am one of the vast many
in the system that goes here by Truth_Speaks.
Recently, in emails, a very good friend of ours here on
EP has been talking about feeling like things were her
fault, that she had been betrayed by her body because
her body responded in a normal, natural way like girl's
bodies are designed to do when stimulated in certain ways.
This is an issue that many survivors struggle with. I
wanted to share my story here in the hopes that it might
help her, as well as be helpful to other survivors.
I don't know exactly what I'm going to say here, so I
hope it's appropriate and at least a little bit helpful.
So, please bear with me. This is the first time I've
tried to write myself, anywhere really. The others had
started to write my story to her privately, but then the
email disappeared and I decided to try myself.
*Sigh* Takes a deep breath...Ok, so first I need to tell
you that this system was sexually abused by the body's
father starting we know for sure with oral rape at the
age of 18 months old. Whether he did other things before
that, we don't know. The youngest kids we've met inside
are 18 months old. Becca and her twin (the sad scared
little in the crib). Becca is a happy and bubbly 18 month
old who is mostly preverbal but babbles almost non-stop
whenever she is out. She got the good end of things.
Her twin got the bad end. We don't even know a name for
her. she is alone in a big dark room with nothing but a
crib in the middle of it. With her, on her stomach I think,
in the middle of the crib with a little blanket covering
her. She took the abuse. So far we haven't been able
to reach that little one, to give her love and comfort and
find out what she had to endure.
Ok, sorry for getting off track. The father started taking
us to "the ba
place when the body was 3. The horrors we lived through
from than on is almost unspeakable. Though of course, if
we don't speak it, they maintain the power. If we don't
speak out, than people continue to believe it doesn't
happen, and nothing changes. It won't ever stop. So, we
speak. We tell. The RA we went through was not Satanic,
as far as we can tell, it was mostly the "left-hand path"
of paganism (the dark, evil, harmful side) probably with
elements of Jewish mysticism thrown in.
The people in the ba
through various methods were able to intentionally create
people for their own purposes. I was one of those that
they created. The created me for one reason and one
reason only. To be a child prostitute for their benefit.
It's only been in the last couple months that we've been
able to use that term for it, but that's what it was.
Sexual abuse of our system/body was a common part of the
ritual abuse, but I was created for something more than
just garden variety sexual abuse by the people in the
sexually satisfying any man they wished me to. Some of
these people were people that they wanted something from,
some were people they wanted to blackmail, some were
members of the cult, or members of a connected cult from
another area who were "visiting" for whatever purpose,
some were people they wanted to reward. Some were young
boys they were trying to indoctrinate. I wasn't generally
told the reasons. Wasn't generally told the names.
Just taken whereever and told what to do, if they wanted
something specific. The threat was always there that if
I didn't satisfy the guy,they would kill us, or sometimes,
they would kill someone else and it would be my fault.
They first created me, and started training me, when the
body was 7 years old. I did what I was told. I did what
I was created for, what I was trained for. And that's all
I ever did. It was all I ever knew. And I was good at
what I did. I always successfully satisfied whoever they
sent me too. Well, I basically believed that my only
purpose was to have sex. That that was all I would ever
do. All i would ever be. No one would ever want me for
any other reason.
Like I said, I was good at what I did and the men weren't
the only ones who enjoyed it. I did too. This doesn't
make me a bad person. Or sick. Or disgusting. Or
whatever. Though I have thought that many times. I enjoyed
it because that's how bodies respond, and beyond that,
I enjoyed it because that's how I was designed. When the
men preferred someone who would fight, someone who was
scared, or that they wanted to force, they sent someone
else. Someone else in our system. I was doing the only
thing I knew how to do. And I had no choice in the matter.
I didn't want to be doing what I was doing. Even though
I thought I did at the time. That was the only way I could
survive. And the only way I could ensure that the body
survived and that they wouldn't kill anyone else. (a
situation that was unfortunately not uncommon in the
Enjoying it fully physically at least, and not really
letting myself think about it beyond that. Not until we
were fully beyond their control in our early twenties.
At that point, I basically lived in stasis inside since
I wasn't "needed". And I never believed I could have
any kind of life beyond pleasing men for the benefit
of the cult. I had no concept of who I was beyond that.
No likes, no dislikes, no hopes, no dreams. Never believed
that anyone would want me for anything other than being
someone they could ****. Pardon the vulgarity, but that's
what the situation was.
I stayed in stasis for about 6 or 7 years. That's when
our system got involved with the system we were married
to for 14 years. They were very abusive to us, but we
didn't realize it at the time. I met a man in their
system (well, he was also about 16). We started out
having sex. Just like with anyone else. Only he wasn't
like everyone else. Like all the others I had been
forced to be with. He was someone I chose to be with.
That's not something I ever expected to happen either.
He had been created in system also for the purpose of sex
though in his case, it was only with his main abuser, and
not as a prostitute. We had a very active and satisfying
sex life, yes. But we had much much more than that.
We talked. We watched movies. We ate meals together.
He helped me believe that I was more than just a sex ob
That I was an actual person. That what I had done had
been forced on me and not my choice. That I enjoyed it
because I was created to enjoy it, trained to enjoy it.
It didn't mean I was bad or sick or anything else. He
helped me figure out what I liked and what I didn't, not
just in bed, but in life. He held me when I cried about
what had been done to me. He reinforced over and over
again that it wasn't my fault and that it wasn't all I was.
He held me and talked me through it when I cried in fear
for being noticeably turned on. For making noise during
sex. For having an ******. Telling me it was ok to enjoy
sex when it wasn't forced. and it didn't mean that's
all I was. I know I'm repeating myself. I'm sorry. He
sat through my anger and rage at what they had done to and
what they had done to the rest of the system, and to the
other children. He helped me deal with/work thorough a
lot. He loved me. For all of who I was, not just
because we had sex. He was my husband. We lived together
inside, took care of some of the inside kids together.
He wasn't perfect. He was sometimes manipulative. He
cheated on me at least once by having sex with other
people, other bodies than ours, without talking to me
about first. Without getting my permission first. And
it didn't really feel like I had a choice when he did ask
for permission. But still, I loved him. God, I loved
him so much. And I lost him. I can never see him or
speak to him again. We figured out (with the help of the
system's current spouse, and their boyfriend) how abusive
the relationship between the systems was. And that was
it. The safety of the system comes first. I lost my
husband because the systems separated. A lot of us lost
our partners. There were probably between 20 and 50
individual relationships between the systems. Most of
them not at all abusive. But we all lost our partners,
our parents, our kids. It makes me angry sometimes that
I had to lose the only good thing that had ever happened
to me in my life, but there wasn't even a question. And
even if I had been given a choice, I would have done the
same thing. I had to protect the rest of our system, just
like I did every time I slept with someone for the people
in the ba
I still miss him terribly, and it will be a very long time,
if ever before I get involved with anyone else. But
I know now that I am a whole person, and not just a
sex toy. That I enjoyed what I did, because that is how
bodies are designed. And that's how I was designed. Not
because it's what I actually wanted. And I will always
be grateful to him for that.
So ladies,and gentlemen too, please try to take a lesson
from my life. Human bodies are designed to respond
with sexual arousal, when they are sexually stimulated.
No matter how old you are. No matter how old you were.
Just because your body reacted sexually to what was done
to you, just because you got "turned on" does not mean
what happened was ok. It doesn't mean it was your fault.
It doesn't mean you wanted it. It doesn't mean you asked
for it, or any other lie your abused tells you. All
it means, is that your body reacted the way bodies are
designed to react.
You can expect to have problems sexually if and when
you find someone who you CHOOSE to be sexual with. But
also know those issues can be worked through. It's going
to take work. It's going to be something you will need
help and support to get through. And if the person you
choose can actually be trusted, they will help you through
it. If not, they are not the right person for you to be
I am happy to talk to anyone who is having issues with
I wish the best for you all. Thanks for bearing with me.
I'm sorry this was so long, for those who read it through,